Love… do I really know how to love someone? I know how to be in a relationship with someone. I know how to care about someone. I know how to let someone into my life. But I’m not really sure I know how to love someone. And it doesn’t matter what else I bring to the table, or whatever other good is there, without love, it is useless. (1 Corinthians 13: 1-3).
I’m talking about real love, sacrificial love – a love that is patient, that is kind, a love that does not envy, and is not prideful; a love that is considerate, putting the other first, and love that is not selfish, is not about seeking self gain; a love that doesn’t respond in anger, even when blind-sided or hurt; a love that forgives instead of keeping a tally of faults or failures; a love that is honest and true, even when the truth hurts, and a love that is actively protecting, and hoping, and working for the best (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7).
The truth is even when I start out genuinely caring about the other person, when things get tough, it is too easy to become impatient and selfish, too tempting to keep track of the wrongs, the embarrassment, the pain; too risky to not be selfish; too dangerous to continue to hope.
The only hope for learning to love like the picture in 1 Corinthians is to be perfected by God’s love for me, to let His love radiate through me and change my heart and my mind, to change my natural responses from one of selfishness to selflessness, to develop a new capacity to love based on His love, His patience, His grace that He has shown me. He is the one that is slow to anger and quick to forgive. He doesn’t keep track of our sins and He is always there even when we hurt him or grieve Him. He sets the example for me to follow, for us to follow, to show us how to love each other in a radically different way, with a life-changing kind of love.
Perhaps love is not just the missing piece in my life, but also the missing piece in our society, the piece that keeps us from moving beyond selfishness to building intentional connections and community, to really sharing life with each other and really caring about the other people around us. Ah, that sounds like another topic for another day. What do you think?
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Day 21 – Looking Through the Glass Dimly
I need new glasses. I am near-sighted in one eye and far-sighted in the other, so without my glasses I have a hard time getting any sense of depth perception or sanity. But because each eye is good at something, I can manage for a short time without any glasses at all. I may not have the most accurate picture or the complete picture but I can usually make do fairly well over a short period of time.
I just got new windshield wipers, thankfully. Who knew how essential these were for living in Columbia, not just for dealing with rain, but to get rid of the yellow sheet of pollen on my windshield every morning.
Over the last few weeks as I have been on this fast, I am beginning to see just how often I get used to looking through the glass dimly (1 Corinthians 13:12) – of course I am not just talking about a dirty windshield or adjusting my eyesight without the right glasses. So many times, I get used to seeing situations, people, relationships through my limited perspective. Instead of seeing how things really are, I see what I want to see, or what I expect to see. It may not be the most accurate or complete picture, but I make do and fill in the rest with my best guess.
Even my best attempts and best guesses are often well off the mark. Here is a good example. I really struggled when I left my full-time job to go back to grad school full-time. Everyone else seemed to be at a different place in their lives and I didn’t seem to fit the mold. The other night, though, as I was celebrating my less than a month to go graduation with some friends, one of them talked about how hard it was for her in grad school; this was someone that I completely thought fit the mold and had an easier time of it than most. All I could see was how hard it was for me… and it never occurred to me that it was that hard for her too. I was seeing through the glass dimly.
At other times, where I have seen hostility, there has really been hurt. Where I have seen aloofness in coworkers or colleagues, it has been their loneliness and need for true friendship. Instead of hearing what someone is saying, sometimes I assume I know what it on their mind or heart. Instead of praying and seeking God’s will, I assume I can figure it out on my own. So many times I miss what is really there or what God is trying to show me, because I become content with my dim picture.
Then I think about the Chris Tomlin song, “Give Me Your Eyes.” Oh, how I want to see as God sees. How I want to have His compassion to see the hurt and needs of others. I want to have His perspective – “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).
I may never be able to see the full picture, but I want to see through His lenses, His love and His truth. The lenses that see us as we are, imperfect, clumsy, flawed people but that choose to view that through His incomprehensible and perfect love.
I just got new windshield wipers, thankfully. Who knew how essential these were for living in Columbia, not just for dealing with rain, but to get rid of the yellow sheet of pollen on my windshield every morning.
Over the last few weeks as I have been on this fast, I am beginning to see just how often I get used to looking through the glass dimly (1 Corinthians 13:12) – of course I am not just talking about a dirty windshield or adjusting my eyesight without the right glasses. So many times, I get used to seeing situations, people, relationships through my limited perspective. Instead of seeing how things really are, I see what I want to see, or what I expect to see. It may not be the most accurate or complete picture, but I make do and fill in the rest with my best guess.
Even my best attempts and best guesses are often well off the mark. Here is a good example. I really struggled when I left my full-time job to go back to grad school full-time. Everyone else seemed to be at a different place in their lives and I didn’t seem to fit the mold. The other night, though, as I was celebrating my less than a month to go graduation with some friends, one of them talked about how hard it was for her in grad school; this was someone that I completely thought fit the mold and had an easier time of it than most. All I could see was how hard it was for me… and it never occurred to me that it was that hard for her too. I was seeing through the glass dimly.
At other times, where I have seen hostility, there has really been hurt. Where I have seen aloofness in coworkers or colleagues, it has been their loneliness and need for true friendship. Instead of hearing what someone is saying, sometimes I assume I know what it on their mind or heart. Instead of praying and seeking God’s will, I assume I can figure it out on my own. So many times I miss what is really there or what God is trying to show me, because I become content with my dim picture.
Then I think about the Chris Tomlin song, “Give Me Your Eyes.” Oh, how I want to see as God sees. How I want to have His compassion to see the hurt and needs of others. I want to have His perspective – “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).
I may never be able to see the full picture, but I want to see through His lenses, His love and His truth. The lenses that see us as we are, imperfect, clumsy, flawed people but that choose to view that through His incomprehensible and perfect love.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Day 17 – Speaking with Intentionality
As I ponder the integrity question, I realize that it really is a mind and heart question, both changing the way I think as well as the way I feel. I look to the book of James to start my thinking. I think integrity encompasses a lot of things, but it starts with “letting your yes, be yes and your no, be no” (James 5:12)– meaning what you say and speaking with intentionality.
This is something I struggle with and here are a couple of ready examples from the weekend. Let’s start small… sometimes I am just completely mindless in conversation. The guy behind the counter at the gym tells me to have a great workout, and I respond with “you, too” even though he is not working out, merely because I responded to what I thought he was going to say instead of actually listening to what he really had to say. It’s a small thing, but listening counts. Did I mean what I said? No, what I said didn’t even make sense.
Or the time last week in class when one of my classmates made a comment about an exam question. Instead of listening and responding to what she said, I immediately react without thinking, with my frustration at something entirely different. Speaking mindlessly.
Other times, I speak mindlessly and it has a lot more serious ramifications, disconnecting my words from the impact they will have or how I want them to be interpreted. I speak mindlessly and I hurt people that I care about, or I offend people without knowing that I have done so. I get so caught up in expressing myself that I miss what they are trying to say or I become oblivious to the hurt that I have inflicted.
Somehow, I need to pause intentionally, choose to really listen to the other person, and then respond in a way that shows I care, that I am listening to them, and that gives me an opportunity to convey the meaning that I actually want to convey. I need to speak with purpose, and to let my words match my meaning. I need to let my yes, mean my yes, and my no, mean my no.
All I can say is that kind of mindfulness is new and is much harder for me. It’s going to take discipline and practice to learn new habits, to change my mindset, to really connect with others in my conversations, so that they can trust my words and my heart.
This is something I struggle with and here are a couple of ready examples from the weekend. Let’s start small… sometimes I am just completely mindless in conversation. The guy behind the counter at the gym tells me to have a great workout, and I respond with “you, too” even though he is not working out, merely because I responded to what I thought he was going to say instead of actually listening to what he really had to say. It’s a small thing, but listening counts. Did I mean what I said? No, what I said didn’t even make sense.
Or the time last week in class when one of my classmates made a comment about an exam question. Instead of listening and responding to what she said, I immediately react without thinking, with my frustration at something entirely different. Speaking mindlessly.
Other times, I speak mindlessly and it has a lot more serious ramifications, disconnecting my words from the impact they will have or how I want them to be interpreted. I speak mindlessly and I hurt people that I care about, or I offend people without knowing that I have done so. I get so caught up in expressing myself that I miss what they are trying to say or I become oblivious to the hurt that I have inflicted.
Somehow, I need to pause intentionally, choose to really listen to the other person, and then respond in a way that shows I care, that I am listening to them, and that gives me an opportunity to convey the meaning that I actually want to convey. I need to speak with purpose, and to let my words match my meaning. I need to let my yes, mean my yes, and my no, mean my no.
All I can say is that kind of mindfulness is new and is much harder for me. It’s going to take discipline and practice to learn new habits, to change my mindset, to really connect with others in my conversations, so that they can trust my words and my heart.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Day 15 -- True Freedom
My heart’s cry is to be a woman of integrity. I want to act honorably and sincerely in my relationships with other people, my work relationships, my dating relationships, my friendships. I want to be known as a woman of principle and a woman of my word. Sometimes, though, I miss the mark entirely.
The truth is, sometimes I don’t even know what integrity looks like. I don’t know what the right answer or right decision is. Sometimes I get lost in indecisiveness or just start drifting along with what feels right at the moment. One of my close friends had an honest conversation with me once about my patent unreliability and indecisiveness. Wow. That was hard to hear. But he was right, that’s not who I want to be.
“True freedom has more to do with following the North Star that with going whichever way the wind blows. Sometimes it seems like freedom is blowing with the winds of the day, but that kind of freedom is an illusion. It turns your boat in circles. Freedom is sailing toward your goals” (Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia)
There have been many times I have just drifted along; times I have been turned in circles, doing whatever fits at the moment, but not really getting anywhere. I don’t want that anymore. I want to be fixed on Christ, the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2) That is one of the reasons I am on this fast, to seek His will, to find clarity about the decisions that I need to make and who I need to be, in dating, in my career, in every aspect of my life. So many times, my life gets so busy with noise, that I forget to “be still and know He is God.”
As much as I want to be a woman of integrity, I can’t do that if I don’t know what it looks like. How can I be a woman of integrity if I don’t have a clear sense of the principles that I want to live by? How can I act with honor if I am constantly changing my mind? How can people trust my sincerity when it changes every day?
In the days and weeks ahead, I want to focus on discerning what integrity looks like. I have some ideas – noble character like Ruth, acting in love like 1 Corinthians 13, having true beauty that comes from within.
If you have suggestions for me as well, please share them. I welcome your comments and feedback. What does it means to act with integrity and honor? And how do we live it out when integrity is not always honored by those around us?
The truth is, sometimes I don’t even know what integrity looks like. I don’t know what the right answer or right decision is. Sometimes I get lost in indecisiveness or just start drifting along with what feels right at the moment. One of my close friends had an honest conversation with me once about my patent unreliability and indecisiveness. Wow. That was hard to hear. But he was right, that’s not who I want to be.
“True freedom has more to do with following the North Star that with going whichever way the wind blows. Sometimes it seems like freedom is blowing with the winds of the day, but that kind of freedom is an illusion. It turns your boat in circles. Freedom is sailing toward your goals” (Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia)
There have been many times I have just drifted along; times I have been turned in circles, doing whatever fits at the moment, but not really getting anywhere. I don’t want that anymore. I want to be fixed on Christ, the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2) That is one of the reasons I am on this fast, to seek His will, to find clarity about the decisions that I need to make and who I need to be, in dating, in my career, in every aspect of my life. So many times, my life gets so busy with noise, that I forget to “be still and know He is God.”
As much as I want to be a woman of integrity, I can’t do that if I don’t know what it looks like. How can I be a woman of integrity if I don’t have a clear sense of the principles that I want to live by? How can I act with honor if I am constantly changing my mind? How can people trust my sincerity when it changes every day?
In the days and weeks ahead, I want to focus on discerning what integrity looks like. I have some ideas – noble character like Ruth, acting in love like 1 Corinthians 13, having true beauty that comes from within.
If you have suggestions for me as well, please share them. I welcome your comments and feedback. What does it means to act with integrity and honor? And how do we live it out when integrity is not always honored by those around us?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Day 13 - Dating, Jobs, and Tattoos
Over the past several years, fear is one thing I have struggled with constantly in relationships. I am a self-confessed commitment-phobe, afraid of getting too close, of getting hurt, of hurting someone else. I’m also afraid of dating the wrong person or making poor decisions or just screwing up my life. And you know, the more I think about it, it’s true for a lot more of my life than just dating – it’s true of careers, and ministry, and buying a house, or getting a tattoo. Commitment terrifies me. I steer clear of signing on the dotted line as much as possible.
God is showing me, though, that I don’t have to be fearful in any of those situations. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love.” I read that and at first, I was taken back. Punishment is not what I am afraid of… but maybe it is…. I’m afraid of the consequences that might come, the failure, the hurt, the bad decisions. But I don’t have to be. God wants to perfect us in His love… it’s not that the consequences won’t necessarily come – it’s that I can trust God regardless of what happens.
I’m learning that I can trust God with my heart. I can be open and not fearful in relationships because I know that He cares and He will take care of me whether a relationship leads to heart-break or an incredible love unlike any that I’ve ever known. I can trust Him with my career, because I know that He will take care of me whether I am in the same job for 35 years or whether I am laid off tomorrow. I can trust Him with whatever comes, good or bad, because He is in control AND He cares. His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is perfect when my strength is gone.
I still worry sometimes about those decisions, but then I read 1 Timothy 1:7. “God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.” When we walk with Him, He gives us the wisdom to make the right decisions, He gives us the power to live the life He has called us to live, and He has given us a love that is constant and true, even when all else fails.
We, I, don't have to be afraid of commitment. I can approach situations boldly, knowing that He has equipped me to make wise decisions, to commit to the right things. Even when I get off track or when things don't work out the way I have planned, He'll be there in the aftermath, comforting me and using it for my good. I don't have to be afraid of relationships; I have to use Godly wisdom when it comes to relationships. I don't have to know what job I will be at tomorrow, or next year, or five years from now; I have to know the one that is preparing me for the role He wants me to play. I don't have to fear; I can live abundantly in Him and in His power, trusting Him whatever tomorrow brings.
Perfect love does drive out fear.
God is showing me, though, that I don’t have to be fearful in any of those situations. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love.” I read that and at first, I was taken back. Punishment is not what I am afraid of… but maybe it is…. I’m afraid of the consequences that might come, the failure, the hurt, the bad decisions. But I don’t have to be. God wants to perfect us in His love… it’s not that the consequences won’t necessarily come – it’s that I can trust God regardless of what happens.
I’m learning that I can trust God with my heart. I can be open and not fearful in relationships because I know that He cares and He will take care of me whether a relationship leads to heart-break or an incredible love unlike any that I’ve ever known. I can trust Him with my career, because I know that He will take care of me whether I am in the same job for 35 years or whether I am laid off tomorrow. I can trust Him with whatever comes, good or bad, because He is in control AND He cares. His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is perfect when my strength is gone.
I still worry sometimes about those decisions, but then I read 1 Timothy 1:7. “God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.” When we walk with Him, He gives us the wisdom to make the right decisions, He gives us the power to live the life He has called us to live, and He has given us a love that is constant and true, even when all else fails.
We, I, don't have to be afraid of commitment. I can approach situations boldly, knowing that He has equipped me to make wise decisions, to commit to the right things. Even when I get off track or when things don't work out the way I have planned, He'll be there in the aftermath, comforting me and using it for my good. I don't have to be afraid of relationships; I have to use Godly wisdom when it comes to relationships. I don't have to know what job I will be at tomorrow, or next year, or five years from now; I have to know the one that is preparing me for the role He wants me to play. I don't have to fear; I can live abundantly in Him and in His power, trusting Him whatever tomorrow brings.
Perfect love does drive out fear.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)