On Death, Dying, and Living Well

There is nothing like contemplating death for giving us a new perspective on life. While I was home for the holidays, I thought about death quite a bit. I thought about it as I left Waco knowing my pastor would likely pass away before I returned to Waco and as I got the news that he had indeed passed away. I thought about it while taking my dad to the hospital when his blood pressure was dangerously high, and we thought he was having another heart attack. I thought about it while visiting my grandmother who continues to decline and inch closer and closer to the other side. I had sweet and special time with my family, maybe particularly sweet given the realization again of how blessed we are for each day together and how quickly death can sneak up on us. Even when we know it’s coming, it is an unwelcome intruder into our lives, robbing us of people near and dear. But death is also peace from suffering and eternal rest in Christ. It is to be present with God in all His glory and to be with Him forever.

The grief is real, though, just as the promises are. I realized while I was home how much I have already grieved my grandmother and how much I already feel the loss of her. I also realized how completely unprepared I am to lose my dad. Dad, I want you around so much. I need your wisdom, your love, and your strength in my life. I still have so much to learn from you. But I know that regardless of what happens in either situation, or with any of my family and friends, I know God is in control and He cares. So as I pondered death & dying, I decided to revisit His words and His truth, seeking solace and peace.

I love that God understands our grief, and even cries with us! He is there when the tears won’t stop. And He is a God of Comfort, who wraps us in His loving arms. I love the assurances He gives us to help us through the tough times. And I love that He is God over death, and God over life, that Jesus came that we might have life abundantly and that we might live fully in Him. The paradox of death is that it is both fully certain, in that it comes to all of us, and uncertain, in that we don’t know when or how it will come. To make our lives count, we must live fully in Him. We must run the race well and fight the good fight.

Here are some passages and verses that particularly spoke to me. If you are dealing with loss in your life, I hope these verses encourage you as much as they encouraged me.

Grief
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:17-18

2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.
3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
-Psalm 127:2-4

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
-Psalm 42:1-5

32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. 35 Jesus wept. 36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” – John 11:32-36

Comfort
4 Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
-Isaiah 46:4

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Assurances
13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words. – 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. – John 14:1-3

Living
I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly. – John 10:10

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:12-14

6 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. – 2 Timothy 4: 6-8


Do you have other verses that have spoken to you on death, dying, or living well? If so, please share in the comments section below. I would love to hear from you.

From Dating Fast to Marriage Feast

Several years ago, I embarked on a dating fast, an intentional time away from dating to seek God’s will for my life in dating relationships, specifically seeking His healing and His direction. What does it mean to be a woman of integrity in dating? What I realized is that dating for me had become a distraction from God, from the ministry and the life I felt God was calling me to live. It was a 50 day journey and without a doubt one of the most meaningful times in my life spiritually, as I dove into scripture and sought God with a new level of earnestness.

Several weeks ago, I revisited the Dating Fast, looking back on that time in my life and remembering some of what God had taught me through that experience. After pondering the lessons learned and then thinking about where I currently am, I realized that in many ways I had internalized those truths for my life. I have for the most part been much more intentional about my dating choices and had made much wiser decisions when it came to being a woman of integrity.

I also realized, though, that I had internalized the message that dating is a distraction from God’s purpose for my life. In my resolve to keep my eyes on God, I took that to mean that there is something less spiritual about dating and that dating need not be a priority in my life. And in some respects, I took that a step further to marriage. While I want to get married in theory, sometimes I assume a super-spiritual posture of being single-minded instead of the super-vulnerable posture of being single. Sometimes I have viewed marriage more as a distraction from ministry, from God’s purpose & calling into my life, instead of a wonderful blessing from God and a primary calling in and of itself. I am a self-confessed commitment-phobe, and I confess that sometimes instead of viewing marriage as a wonderful blessing, I think more of the dangers, the horror stories, a view of marriage distorted by pain, brokenness, and all too often divorce.

However, over the last year, God has challenged that view in my life. I have been so fortunate to witness so many incredible love stories written by a God who calls us into relationship with Him and with each other. I have seen firsthand the love that weathers the storm, the love that redeems the past, the love that matures in marriage to a blessing & an intimacy that is one of God’s richest blessings. And while still imperfect and flawed, I have also seen the strength of a three-strand cord (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12) and the power, value, and blessing of a marriage centered in Christ. I also have been reminded that marriage is the metaphor that Christ uses for His relationship with the church and the depiction of the marriage feast that awaits us in Christ. The marriage feast - a celebration of unity and community, a fulfillment of anticipation & desire, the beginning of a new life together eternally with Him. I confess that has not been the way I have pictured marriage. I want to ponder that, to let that truth meditate in my heart, to let God reveal Himself to me as the God of the marriage feast, the God that yearns for us to be reconciled with Him, the God who yearns to pour out His blessings, that prepares the table of grace for us, and that makes it possible for us to be united with Him. I want to ponder what that means for marriage here and now, what it means for my life and my ministry, my heart & my desires.

So, I want to set out on this journey, to once again seek God’s will in my life, for my dating relationships and for marriage - eleven weeks, today, my birthday, until the end of the year. I will likely revisit some of the themes of the past, some of the lessons learned. But I also want to dive into new scriptures. I want to look intentionally at God’s will and His plan for marriage. I want to challenge myself to not view dating as necessarily a distraction. It certainly can be a distraction. But I want to look at how it can be not a distraction but rather how it can be a tool that God uses to show us the way, to lead us into deeper relationship with Him and a deeper understanding of His love for us.

Here are some starting scriptures I plan to peruse:

The marriage feast

• Christ & the church - Revelation 19-22
• Joy & desire - Isaiah 62:5 & 54:5

Purpose of marriage

• Leave father & mother - Genesis 2:24
• Becoming One - Mark 10:1-11
• Two are better than one - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Blessing the search

• Isaac & Rebekah - Genesis 24
• Provider & redeemer - Ruth

Characteristics of a godly wife

• Noble Character - Proverbs 31
• Gentle Spirit - 1 Peter 3
• Respect & submission - Ephesians 5, Genesis 3:16

Characteristics of a bad wife

• Complaining - Proverbs 21:9
• Looking back - Genesis 19:16-29
• Leading away from God - Job 2:9-10

Characteristics of a godly husband

• Faithfulness - Hosea
• Passionate Love - Song of Songs
• Tender Love - Ephesians 5
• Spiritual Leadership - 1 Timothy 3:12

Waiting for the bridegroom

• Preparation - Matthew 25:1-13

I welcome your prayers on this journey, and your participation, if you are so inclined. I hope to share the journey with you, so feel free to follow along on my blog or to have conversations with me over coffee, Skype, or phone. I would love your feedback, insight, and encouragement.

Thank you for sharing life with me!

In Christ,
~Erin

The Puzzles & the Friend

I had this dream last night. I was on the floor and spread out before me were puzzles – 100 piece puzzles, many of them, the pieces all mixed together. If you have ever worked these kinds of puzzles, you know they are relatively easy to work; they just take time. Even with the pieces mixed together, it’s relatively easy to figure out which piece belongs to which puzzle and how the pieces fit together. A friend was there in the floor with me, helping me to put together the pieces. We were rushing to get them done. The task before us was urgent. The work had to get done, but we had it under control. We were making significant progress.

Then, I turned around and noticed unbeknownst to me, on this other side of the floor were more puzzles, this time 1000 piece puzzles. If you have ever worked these puzzles, you know they present a much greater challenge. It is no longer obvious what the bigger picture is or how the pieces fit together. Now, it is work to seek out the right pieces and to make progress. We didn’t get extra time. In fact, we didn’t know how much time we had. We just knew they had to get done. The task was the same –but the progress was much slower, the challenge was much greater. The challenge seemed impossible to me. I was overwhelmed. I’m going to need more time. The rules changed. No answer came. But my friend urged me on, urged us on, as we set to work all the puzzles, as we set out to confront the new challenge. It was slow, but piece by piece we started making progress. It was slow and frustrating, but as we continued to work, the bigger picture started to emerge. I realized my friend was right. We could do this, we were doing this. And so we kept pressing on, working faithfully at the tasks before us.

Have you ever had one of those game-changing moments? Have you ever felt you had it under control, doing the work, going about your business, with purpose and intentionality, and yes, even with confidence – knowing that you were fully ready for the task at hand, that you knew what had to be done and was working to accomplish it? Then, as you are working on it, as you are getting it done, suddenly the rules change, without your knowledge or consent. The challenge that seemed so manageable becomes harder, your confidence is shot, and it seems overwhelming. Have you ever felt that?

I have. That has been my reality for the last few months, as I have transitioned to a new position, full with new challenges and with different pieces that I don’t know how they fit together. It has been overwhelming at times. It has also been exciting at times, to catch glimpses of the bigger picture. The truth is I am good at working 100 piece puzzles. There are certain tasks that I have mastered and have under control. I know how to get things done. But now, I also have 1000 piece puzzles – ones that I haven’t mastered and struggle to make work, ones that I don’t know what they are supposed to look like or what the end result is going to be.

BUT my friend does. My friend has seen the box lids. My friend was there when the design was created. My friend is there guiding me, showing me how some pieces connect, correcting my missteps along the way – you know, the times you so much want a piece to fit only to try to force it or convince yourself it is the right fit. My friend knows when it is the wrong piece. He knows the right pieces. He holds them in His hands, waiting for me to take them from Him. He urges me on, encourages me to keep working, to be faithful with the task at hand.

The prayer of Jabez (1 Chronicles 4:10) is popular in Christian circles. It becomes in some sense a call for greater responsibility and greater blessings in our lives. In this prayer, “Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.’ And God granted his request” (NIV, 1984). Sometimes, though, when God enlarges our territory, it can feel like being moved from a working a 100 piece puzzle to a 1000 piece puzzle. Even the answer to our prayer, more responsibility, better opportunities, can seem overwhelming. But God’s hand is with us. In my dream, my friend was with me. I wasn’t left alone. I am not left alone. You are not left alone. God is with us. When He calls, He equips. He “equip[s] us with everything good for doing His will and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him through Jesus Christ...” (Hebrews 13:21)

Here are some promises that have encouraged me in the challenges that lie ahead:

• In times of preparation – “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:13-14)
• In times of weakness & failure – “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
• In times of discouragement – “And the God of all grace who has called you into eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)
• In times of correction – “All Scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17)
• In times of doubt – “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
• In times of lonliness – “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20).

I’m working the puzzle. I don’t know how all the pieces fit together. But my friend is with me. I plan to be faithful, even when it seems daunting. I plan to trust Him and take the pieces from His hand. He knows what is best. And I’m excited to see the pictures start to emerge, to see the masterpieces He has created.

Lone Ranger Syndrome

As part of a discussion group at my church, I started reading the book Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis. It is Katie’s story of moving to Uganda after high school and ministering to the children there and adopting 14 of them herself. It is an incredible story of courage and ministry, meeting very real physical needs and loving these children with an extraordinary love. It is an amazing story of what God is doing in and through her.

As I was reading it, though, it really struck me that there is no talk (so far) of her working with a local church or another agency. She is there pretty much on her own. Parts of it sound like another “lone ranger” story or the “white savior” complex, as it is often referred to in foreign aid circles, a passionate and caring individual coming in and trying to save the world herself versus building long-term sustainable partnerships and collaborative efforts that can address multifaceted needs and complex issues.

I like Katie, though, probably because I see a lot of me in her. I realize how many times I let my passion and concern, my desire to jump in and do things, my sense of calling drive me to minister, to love, to hopefully make a difference in the world around me. And I don’t want to lose that. So many times, though, I do that without concern for those around me. I find myself wanting to do my own thing, wanting to make a name for myself, wanting to earn the respect of others, wanting to do good and noble things, but wanting to do them myself. Even when I talk about my calling, I can sometimes sounds as if I have an exclusive call from God or that I am the only one on God’s side. Cocky, isn’t it?

But I am learning how important it is to bring others along with me, to partner with others who are called to similar work, to realize I can’t do it all myself, I don’t need to, and that I can’t bear that burden alone. I am not the only one on God’s side, and if I’m not careful I can even end up on the wrong side, fighting Him instead of serving Him. I find myself cut off from those around me thinking I know what is best, what needs to be done, what is right and choose not to listen to dissenting voices. The work suffers, the impact is diminished, and the pride takes it tolls when I am a lone ranger working isolated and alone.

The work benefits, though, and the impact increases dramatically when I am a part of something greater than myself, when I am a part of a team, part of the a body united with a common purpose and effort. I can lay my pride down knowing it is no longer about me but about Him. And I am one among many who is useful to Him. I hear Him saying to me, “I didn’t create you to be a lone ranger” (Thank you, God, I don’t look good in masks.) “You need others on your team and they need you. Work with them to do the work that I have called all of you to do.”

I read the story of Elijah, an Old Testament prophet who struggled with this same thing (See 1 Kings 19). I’m so encouraged that God responds to Elijah’s pride and pity party with a fresh revelation of who He is, a new awareness of fellow servants, and a new partner in ministry. God doesn’t leave us alone. Even the Lone Rangerhad Tonto, and God is faithful to provide the partners we need in ministry and in life.

Beyond the Barren Places

These last couple of months have been hard. Right as a celebrated a year here in Waco and at my job, I found out that my job is changing – a good position and good opportunities, I think and I hope. But instead of feeling more comfortable in my role, I find myself instead starting from scratch once again, navigating new relationships and dynamics, new responsibilities and challenges. And through the process I have found myself staring all my insecurities in the face again – feeling like I am not good enough, or smart enough, or polished enough. I have felt very beat up in that process, very drained, very lost. My teaching has suffered and my work has suffered as a result. I found myself going through the motions, but they were very unfruitful, very stale and stagnant, very unfulfilling.

The questions that I was almost afraid to ask loomed right beneath the surface. Why would God bring me all the way to Texas, far from family and friends, far from the ministries that He had given me? Why am I in this desert place? (Desert, figuratively speaking, Waco is not a desert.) Why do I feel so barren and unproductive when I am here to be useful, to serve, to minister, to grow? I’ve done much soul-searching and much praying over the last couple of months asking God and searching for those answers, trying to sense His purpose for me here and His purpose in my work.

And answers did not come easily or in expected forms. As I was struggling one day to make sense of it, I came across a friend’s status update on Facebook, requesting prayer for his 5 year old daughter with a serious & painful disease. I just stopped in my tracks, and read her story and cried for her. God was showing me a different perspective on my “hardship” in light of the very real pain and unimaginable suffering of a young girl and her family. I was deeply moved by compassion for her, deeply moved by her courage and her family’s faith, deeply moved by seeing God work in her life. Her name means mercy. As so many called out to God for mercy on her behalf, I could sense God writing an incredible story in her life, one that reveals Him as the God of all mercy, the healer, the redeemer.

That may seem random, but to me, it was a reminder and a message that I needed to hear – one that went straight to the desert place in my heart and reminded me of God’s love and His mercy, even in the midst of horrible pain and suffering as in her life, and in the hard, unpleasant times in mine. God is with us, even when we are weak, when we fail, when we just are not good enough. His grace is sufficient, His love is overflowing, and He is more than enough, abundantly more.

Last week, we started wrapping up the semester. On the one hand, I finished up my two courses and realized how much my teaching had suffered in this transition, how much I had felt lost and how much it showed in my courses. I felt I had let my students down and myself. On the other hand, though, I celebrated with students at our end of the year banquet and got to recognize them for their work, their leadership, their projects, their sense of calling and purpose. And in doing that, it reminded me of why I do what I do – I care. And I want to be a part of investing in students’ lives, of helping them to discover their purpose and calling, and helping them to overcome their own sense of inadequacies and failures. I got to see a student who was so talented and yet unsure of herself step into the president role of a student organization, passionate about making a difference. I got to recognize a student who is a gifted artist for using her talents and abilities to talk about important issues on campus. I had the opportunity to see students who have decided to serve, decided to step into the community and work alongside professionals to make a difference in dental care, in politics, in education, in so many different areas. It was energizing and exhilarating. I came back with new focus and energy in my work, new productivity and hope.

Yes, there are times that I am wholly inadequate, times when I fall flat on my face – figuratively and literally. But there are times when God completely uses those inadequacies to equip me for my work. I know what it is like to be ready to make your mark on the world, to want to do great things for God, and so caught up in fear and insecurity and doubt. I also know the value of someone coming alongside me, guiding me on that journey, and encouraging me as I continue to step forward. I want to be that for students. I want to encourage, develop, minister, teach, and guide them along their way.

Please pray for me as I move into this new position. In my new role, I will be overseeing the service programs on campus. I have the opportunity to work with students as they seek to serve in a variety of a different ways, and I will have the opportunity to shape the conversation on campus around service – focusing on how to love and how to minister, how to do service the right way with the right heart. I am excited that Baylor is making a new commitment to expand community engagement across campus and to build more meaningful and intentional relationships with the community. I think we have a unique opportunity to cultivate servant-leaders and to make a difference in our local community and around the world. The responsibilities and the tasks loom large, and in many ways I am inadequate. But He is enough, more than enough, and He equips us for the work He calls us to do. I am very thankful that I get to play a pivotal role in this office and these efforts, that I was recruited for this position and asked to take it on. I am even more thankful that God is with me every step of the way, past the insecurities and inadequacies and into the place of His mercy and grace.

Dancing to the Music

Some people are tone deaf; I am rhythm-deaf. I have an incredibly hard time feeling the music. I have always loved music, but it never comes naturally to me. I can read notes on a page but can’t seem to feel music the way others can. I think this is why I struggle so much with dancing. People say just listen to the music – I listen, but I am more apt to sing than I am to figure out how to move with it.

But last week, I was feeling extra adventurous and decided to go swing dancing with some friends. It was something very much out of my comfort zone, which is part of what attracted me to it. And since I knew I was with people I enjoy being around, I knew I would have fun even if this dancing thing didn’t turn out so well.

And so, I was introduced to the world of swing dancing. And it started off rough. After a very short beginner lesson, I was still nowhere near comfortable with the steps and pretty overwhelmed with the feeling of not being able to “get” it. There were several gracious guys that were patient enough to “lead” and help me figure it out, and then there were those I could tell I obviously frustrated by getting so out of sync. Ugh!

As the night went on though, I started thinking about this experience. I am ultra-independent. I prefer and need high levels of autonomy in just about everything I do. And dancing bucks that trend. I need a partner, and I need to follow my partner. I am used to taking the lead. It is very different to take my cues from someone else, to really listen as they communicate nonverbally with me and to learn to trust their moves.

I know I need more practice with those skills – when it comes to dancing and when it comes to life. Just like with music, it doesn’t come naturally for me to slow down and get in sync with others. I am a people-person. I thrive on relationships. But when it comes to projects and work, I prefer to leave others behind and do my own thing – not in a malicious or indifferent kind of way, but rather with a sense of getting things done in the most efficient way possible. Way too often, I find myself marching to my own drummer (and off-rhythm) instead of working to get in sync with those around me.

I learned the hard way that it is disastrous on the dance floor to get out of sync. One can go flying, or trip, or clash with your partner if you move in the wrong direction or miss a step. The success of the dance requires that both partners be in sync the whole time, reading each other’s cues and moving together with the music. There is something beautiful, though, about seeing two people move together when they “get” it, to sense the chemistry and synergy of the couple as they float effortlessly across the floor.

I sense there might be something beautiful about finding ways to work with others, of learning that trust, and not having to “lead” all the time. There might be something worthwhile about slowing down and picking up the cues of those around me that might help me avoid disaster and flops. I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of chemistry and synergy on and off the dance floor.

Hmmm… I sense I have only scratched the surface. I still have much to learn here. Maybe some more dance lessons are in order?

True Love

I so wanted to believe your words
I so wanted to trust your love
But I guarded my heart. I couldn’t let you in.

And yet you whispered how much you care.
You sent me flowers and called to me through the rain
The storm rages yet you were calm in the midst of the pain
As I flirt with others and ignore you.

Others say those three words, but they fall as empty shells, a counterfeit truth
If they only knew me, they wouldn’t love me - they couldn’t, they wouldn’t.
Could you? Would you?
You who know me best and see me at my worst.

I am drawn to your whisper, to your care, to your presence
I am scared to trust yet scared to walk away
You never walk away. You always seem there.

I so want to believe you, to trust you, to love you.
I so want to be loved by you. I so want you to be true.
So I come to you. I lay my soul bare & open my heart
I hear you say, “I love you” and the fear departs.

I have so little to give – the hurts, the past, the scars so deep.
You wipe away my tears, though, and in your arms I finally sleep.
Your love is steady and true. It doesn’t change. Ever.
Your love is powerful and new. It changes me. Forever.

Eight years since, I have never been the same.
I give you my heart, my life, my being
Because you first gave me yours - and a life worth living.
I love you, Lord. Thank you for loving me.

In honor of the eight-year anniversary of my baptism, 3/21/2004, the day I let the love of Christ change my life forever.

The Bittersweet Truth

Warning – For those of you with a sweet tooth, this post may cause unintended harm. It may interfere with your ability to derive pleasure from some of your favorite foods and may limit your desired consumption levels of sweets. Read at your own risk but for your own benefit!

A couple of months ago, I signed up for a wellness program at work called Naturally Slim. I started it because I wanted to eat better and get rid of some bad habits – like skipping meals in lieu of raiding the candy dish at work constantly. One of the first challenges the program laid out was to avoid sweets and limit sugar for three weeks. I thought I had signed up for the wrong program! I love my cookies and brownies and candy, my sweet tea and Dr Pepper. I’ve never even considered giving those up. Those are some of my favorite foods. However, since it was just a temporary request – three weeks – I decided to give it a try. Then I was sure I would go right back to my old habits.

Little did I know that this journey would become something else entirely and that I wouldn’t want to go back to my old habits.
Week one, every meeting I go to, there are sweets available, and they are calling my name. Cookies, brownies, sodas, you name it. I am so tempted. I am craving them, but I resist. I have to see this experiment through.

Week two, I survived the initial withdrawal and start to be okay without them. I sense that I have more energy and the cravings are not nearly as intense. I can do this… but again, why would anyone want to do this long-term?

Week three, I completely have this under control, so now I can cheat and have a cookie, right? LOL Well, I do cheat and have a cookie, but I am shocked that it doesn’t taste good to me. It wasn’t even worth cheating for. What?! So, of course, I have to experiment again, so I have a Dr Pepper, one of my favorite drinks – it wasn’t good either. What?! My tastes are really changing. I’m completely surprised at how quickly I lost a taste for some of my favorite sweets.

Week four, I go to the dentist and I get the best report ever. My hygienist is completely surprised at how good my teeth look – I’ve never had that happen before. Then I see a report on the news that sugar causes the mouth to release acid which in turn leads to tooth decay. Now I knew that sugar leads to tooth decay, but I didn’t know the acid immediately starts eating at your teeth as soon as you eat sugar. I always thought it was more of a long-term effect. Could my good dentist report be in part because I have reduced my sugar intake? Coincidence or not – I’ll take it.

Week five, I go to the store and fit into a size 6 dress – the first time that has happened in years! (See center picture above.) I feel much better, have more energy, and starting to wonder exactly how bad all this sugar has been for me. I had no idea of all the consequences. I start to get angry that no one told me sooner.

About 7-8 years ago, I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic. My doctor was befuddled because I didn’t exhibit any of the normal risk factors for diabetes. He asked me about my diet, but it didn’t seem like I ate a lot of sugar. I never eat more than one doughnut, for example, and I don’t eat multiple candy bars at once. I don’t do a lot of the things that seem like a high sugar intake. Did you know, though, that a can of soda has 10 tsp of sugar, 17 tsp in a 20 oz bottle? I am a runner, and chocolate milk is one of the best post-run drinks and one of my favorites. Did you know though that a pint of chocolate milk has 54g of sugar? These numbers astound me. Not because I didn’t know that foods have sugar – I just didn’t realize how much and how pervasive it is. Baby food even has 4 tsp of sugar. Really?

All these years later, it makes much more sense to me. I had no idea I was as addicted to sugar as I was, and I had no idea how much sugar I was consuming in my diet without knowing it. I didn’t know that my body couldn’t manage the amount of insulin my body was producing to keep up with my sugar intake.

All the low fat foods that are marketed as being healthy – not so, they just compensate sugar for fat – and sugar is just as bad if not worse. Plus, the average person on a low fat diet consumes 400-500 more calories than someone not on a low fat diet. We tend to eat more maybe because we give ourselves credit for the “low fat choices.” I am angry at myself for not thinking it mattered when I ate multiple sweets a day, when I thought I deserved it. I am angry that sugar is so interwoven in our foods and our culture that avoiding it is really hard – that our office candy bowl is almost always full, that hospitality is just necessarily linked with food, that we market holidays like Valentine’s Day, Halloween, and Easter with unlimited sweets, sugary confections that are not really a gift but a curse. The trick is on us, dear friends.

It doesn’t mean that we have to give sweets up entirely. That is what I was afraid of when I started this journey, and I wanted to opt out of that option very quickly. What it does mean is that I need to pay attention to my sugar intake. I need to save the sweets for the special occasions not the everyday, multiple times of the day staple. And when I do eat sugar, I need to balance it out with protein which helps the body process it. Even with natural sugars, like apples, are much healthier when eaten with protein like peanut butter. Who knew?

Well, now I know the bittersweet truth about sugar. I plan to keep my distance and only have an occasional fling with a good dessert. I am breaking off the intimate relationship. The three week challenge was over awhile ago, but I don’t want to go back to my old habits. I can live without my daily Dr Pepper and even my cookies, because in the end, I can now say they are not worth it and that, my friend, is the bittersweet truth.

For more information on the Naturally Slim program, check out their website here.

Confessions of a Non-Flosser

This post is a reprint from a series of reflections leading up to my 2010 trip to Nicaragua. I have found myself revisiting it as I continue to ask God to give me the desire to do the things that I need to do. After studying Romans 7, I realize that even when my heart is in the right place, the struggles continue. I need God's grace in moments of weakness and His power to change my heart and my mind.

Ok. I admit it. I don’t floss. I went to the dentist several weeks ago and was once again reminded that I NEED to floss. I WANT to take care of my teeth. I take care to use the right toothbrush, brush for 2-3 minutes, use the right mouthwash and in most other respects take very good care of my teeth and gums. But I just don’t like flossing. It doesn’t seem natural to me. It takes a long time, particularly trying to reach in between those back teeth; it’s uncomfortable wrapping the floss around my fingers; and then of course there is the saliva, which just makes it icky to mess around in my mouth too long. Oh, I know there are solutions that can help. Honestly, though, I want to take care of my teeth, but I just really don’t want to floss. I am sure that if I made up my mind to do it, I would find a way to make it less uncomfortable and maybe even a little more joyful, but flossing is not something I have a burning desire to add to my morning or evening routine.

Sometimes there are other things that are like flossing to me. There are things that I know I need to do. God’s directives are sometimes very clear to me, and yet, I don’t want to do them. I don’t even want to want to do them. Some of His commands just don’t seem natural to me. They make me feel uncomfortable or icky – like loving my enemies or presenting the Gospel to a close friend.
I respond to God the way I respond to the hygienist. She asks about my flossing, and I pretend to listen; I assure her that I understand the importance; I even floss a little while I am there to show her that I know how to do it. But then I take the free sample of floss and go home with no intention of changing my habits. I ignore her advice and choose to stay with my comfortable routine. I ignore the opportunities to share my faith with those around me. I give my money, but do I really need to care about those who are hurting or poor or different from me? I rationalize and I ignore, satisfying myself with my own meager efforts that never require me to be uncomfortable or to give sacrificially.

I know, though, that I am called to care, to respond, to give, and that as Christians, we all are. We are called to move beyond the ickiness, to love our neighbor, even when he is annoying, and to share our faith, even when it is awkward. We are called to care about the people in our neighborhood and the people on the other side of the world.

When I go in for my regular checkups, I hear Him reminding me of those truths. He chides me - sometimes gently and sometimes firmly commanding my obedience. He shows me the plaque building up and the consequences of sin. He shows me those hurting and those in desperate need of His love and His truth. So I confess my sin, and repent, choosing to follow and this time, sincerely desiring to change. I choose to move beyond the ickiness and to follow His lead. Even though it may not come naturally at first, with practice hopefully it will become a familiar part of my routine, one that will help fill cavities of a far more serious kind.

The Beauty of Suffering

Lately, I have been contemplating suffering, particularly as my grandmother has gotten weaker and weaker and has been on the brink of death. It has been hard to hear her talk about being in pain, to hear of her bad days, to sense her suffering. When I went home at the beginning of the month, she was saying her goodbyes. She is wrapping up her time here on earth and preparing to go Home. My grandmother is one of the most loving and joyful people I know. There is a beauty about her spirit that just radiates love and laughter and joy. I don’t know how else to describe it. I’ve sensed that spirit about her for a long time. Over these last few weeks though it has become even more evident, something about the suffering that she is going through and the peace that she has in the midst of it is… is touching and fragrant and beautiful.  Her suffering isn’t beautiful. It’s incredibly hard at times to see her in pain and to not be able to make it better. But her suffering makes her peace even more striking, more radiant.

At church this morning, we studied the letter to the church in Smyrna (Revelation 2: 8-11). I tend to think of Revelation as this mysterious book that raises more questions than it provides answers. There is so much I don’t understand. I don’t really think of it as applying to my life, here and now. But today was different. This passage was different. It spoke right to the heart of my ponderings on suffering.  

The church in Smyrna was hard-pressed and facing all kinds of trials. They were poor; they were being persecuted by the Jews; they were falsely accused and slandered by the public; they were labeled atheists (???) because they didn’t participate in the emperor worship that was prevalent. They were suffering - physically, financially, and probably emotionally. I can imagine they were probably feeling beat down by their circumstances, frustrated and discouraged.  

Even though I have never faced that kind of persecution, I can certainly relate to those feelings of discouragement and even despair at times; I think we all can. We can find ourselves seemingly beat down by  life, wanting things to get better and looking for hope. That is what makes Jesus’ words to them stick out to me. They needed encouragement and His words spoke right to the heart of the matter.

Jesus says to this suffering church, the people right in the mix of very real trials and tribulation, “I know your afflictions and your poverty” (v 9). He says he knows the tough times they are going through. He notices. He sees. And not only that, He cares. 1 Peter 5:7 says “Cast all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you” (emphasis added). How wonderful it is that He knows our troubles, He feels our pain, He cares when we hurt! He goes on to say to them, don’t be afraid, the suffering will be intense but it won’t last forever (v 10). He then encourages them to be faithful, to continue to stand firm (v 10). He reminded them of His faithfulness and that He had already claimed the victory. He is the one who died and is now alive again. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last (v 8). He is the one that has been there from the beginning and is there now and will be there forever. What a tremendous promise, particularly when we feel alone and discouraged!

What an incredible message! Here were a people feeling beat up by life, by the world around them. And Jesus encourages them. And He encourages them as one who has been there in the midst of suffering. “And because He himself suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted” (Hebrews 2:18). “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses…” (Hebrews 4:15).

So why does God allow suffering? Why not deliver us? Why doesn’t Jesus just rescue the church in Smyrna? Why doesn’t He rescue us from the hard times? Why does my grandmother have to continue to suffer? Why doesn’t He just give us the answers we are looking for?

“…now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1Peter 1:6-7)

God is not calloused. He cares for us deeply. In fact, He is using the suffering and the trials in our lives for our good. He refines us like gold, to strengthen our faith, and to reveal His glory. Smyrna is also the Greek word for myrrh, the fragrant oil used for burial. The oil comes from a bark that is hard-pressed. As the bark is pressed (similar to grapes in a winepress), the fragrant oil is released. Sometimes, the hard times are what God uses to bring out the valuable fragrance in us, the fragrant aroma that bears fruit in our lives.

The fact that something beautiful and fragrant can come from suffering blows my mind, that God can use it for a greater purpose and He can be glorified in it. Then I think about the tough times in my life, and I think about the fruit that came out of those times – new love and compassion for others, new dependence on Christ, new maturity and lessons learned through the pain. As I look back now, I see the ways He redeemed the pain and the heartache, the ways He worked for good. The beauty is not the suffering but rather the beauty of God’s hand at work in the midst of it.

Please continue to pray for my grandmother and my family. Pray also for those who currently feel beat down by life, in the midst of the trials. I know several of my friends are going through difficult times. It's so hard to see the people we care about suffer. Pray also for those facing severe persecution, like the church in Smyrna. Their suffering makes the daily challenges of my life seem trivial and selfish.

Day 27 – Making Tough Decisions

I have talked a lot about integrity – responding in love, seeing the full picture, acting with intentionality, making the right decisions. Sometimes, though, honestly I get stuck. I want to do the right thing, but I don’t really know what the right thing is. What then? I posed this question on my Facebook page and asked some of my trusted Christian friends as well. Then, I spent some time looking at some verses.

Here are some principles from 1 Peter 3: 8-17, that I found particularly helpful to my decision-making dilemna:

• Live in harmony with others. (v8)
• When that fails, repay others with a blessing. (v9)
• Speak well of others (v10)
• Do good (v11)
• Seek peace and pursue it (v11)
• Focus on God, not on myself and not on my situation (v12)
• Pray, knowing He is listening (v12)
• Develop and keep a clear conscience about what to do based on previous steps (v16)
• Act without fear (v14)
• Act with gentleness and respect (v15)
• Leave the results to God (v13)

As I moved down this list with my decision, I was led to really question my actions, my motives, and my focus. As I shifted my focus away from me to Him, as I really prayed about it and sought His wisdom and His clarity, my heart changed. What I needed to do changed; the decision itself changed. And I gained a whole new sense of what was right in the situation and a whole new sense of what I needed to do. Now that’s pretty cool, if I say so myself.

Day 17 – Speaking with Intentionality

As I ponder the integrity question, I realize that it really is a mind and heart question, both changing the way I think as well as the way I feel. I look to the book of James to start my thinking. I think integrity encompasses a lot of things, but it starts with “letting your yes, be yes and your no, be no” (James 5:12)– meaning what you say and speaking with intentionality.

This is something I struggle with and here are a couple of ready examples from the weekend. Let’s start small… sometimes I am just completely mindless in conversation. The guy behind the counter at the gym tells me to have a great workout, and I respond with “you, too” even though he is not working out, merely because I responded to what I thought he was going to say instead of actually listening to what he really had to say. It’s a small thing, but listening counts. Did I mean what I said? No, what I said didn’t even make sense.

Or the time last week in class when one of my classmates made a comment about an exam question. Instead of listening and responding to what she said, I immediately react without thinking, with my frustration at something entirely different. Speaking mindlessly.

Other times, I speak mindlessly and it has a lot more serious ramifications, disconnecting my words from the impact they will have or how I want them to be interpreted. I speak mindlessly and I hurt people that I care about, or I offend people without knowing that I have done so. I get so caught up in expressing myself that I miss what they are trying to say or I become oblivious to the hurt that I have inflicted.

Somehow, I need to pause intentionally, choose to really listen to the other person, and then respond in a way that shows I care, that I am listening to them, and that gives me an opportunity to convey the meaning that I actually want to convey. I need to speak with purpose, and to let my words match my meaning. I need to let my yes, mean my yes, and my no, mean my no.

All I can say is that kind of mindfulness is new and is much harder for me. It’s going to take discipline and practice to learn new habits, to change my mindset, to really connect with others in my conversations, so that they can trust my words and my heart.