From Dating Fast to Marriage Feast

Several years ago, I embarked on a dating fast, an intentional time away from dating to seek God’s will for my life in dating relationships, specifically seeking His healing and His direction. What does it mean to be a woman of integrity in dating? What I realized is that dating for me had become a distraction from God, from the ministry and the life I felt God was calling me to live. It was a 50 day journey and without a doubt one of the most meaningful times in my life spiritually, as I dove into scripture and sought God with a new level of earnestness.

Several weeks ago, I revisited the Dating Fast, looking back on that time in my life and remembering some of what God had taught me through that experience. After pondering the lessons learned and then thinking about where I currently am, I realized that in many ways I had internalized those truths for my life. I have for the most part been much more intentional about my dating choices and had made much wiser decisions when it came to being a woman of integrity.

I also realized, though, that I had internalized the message that dating is a distraction from God’s purpose for my life. In my resolve to keep my eyes on God, I took that to mean that there is something less spiritual about dating and that dating need not be a priority in my life. And in some respects, I took that a step further to marriage. While I want to get married in theory, sometimes I assume a super-spiritual posture of being single-minded instead of the super-vulnerable posture of being single. Sometimes I have viewed marriage more as a distraction from ministry, from God’s purpose & calling into my life, instead of a wonderful blessing from God and a primary calling in and of itself. I am a self-confessed commitment-phobe, and I confess that sometimes instead of viewing marriage as a wonderful blessing, I think more of the dangers, the horror stories, a view of marriage distorted by pain, brokenness, and all too often divorce.

However, over the last year, God has challenged that view in my life. I have been so fortunate to witness so many incredible love stories written by a God who calls us into relationship with Him and with each other. I have seen firsthand the love that weathers the storm, the love that redeems the past, the love that matures in marriage to a blessing & an intimacy that is one of God’s richest blessings. And while still imperfect and flawed, I have also seen the strength of a three-strand cord (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12) and the power, value, and blessing of a marriage centered in Christ. I also have been reminded that marriage is the metaphor that Christ uses for His relationship with the church and the depiction of the marriage feast that awaits us in Christ. The marriage feast - a celebration of unity and community, a fulfillment of anticipation & desire, the beginning of a new life together eternally with Him. I confess that has not been the way I have pictured marriage. I want to ponder that, to let that truth meditate in my heart, to let God reveal Himself to me as the God of the marriage feast, the God that yearns for us to be reconciled with Him, the God who yearns to pour out His blessings, that prepares the table of grace for us, and that makes it possible for us to be united with Him. I want to ponder what that means for marriage here and now, what it means for my life and my ministry, my heart & my desires.

So, I want to set out on this journey, to once again seek God’s will in my life, for my dating relationships and for marriage - eleven weeks, today, my birthday, until the end of the year. I will likely revisit some of the themes of the past, some of the lessons learned. But I also want to dive into new scriptures. I want to look intentionally at God’s will and His plan for marriage. I want to challenge myself to not view dating as necessarily a distraction. It certainly can be a distraction. But I want to look at how it can be not a distraction but rather how it can be a tool that God uses to show us the way, to lead us into deeper relationship with Him and a deeper understanding of His love for us.

Here are some starting scriptures I plan to peruse:

The marriage feast

• Christ & the church - Revelation 19-22
• Joy & desire - Isaiah 62:5 & 54:5

Purpose of marriage

• Leave father & mother - Genesis 2:24
• Becoming One - Mark 10:1-11
• Two are better than one - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Blessing the search

• Isaac & Rebekah - Genesis 24
• Provider & redeemer - Ruth

Characteristics of a godly wife

• Noble Character - Proverbs 31
• Gentle Spirit - 1 Peter 3
• Respect & submission - Ephesians 5, Genesis 3:16

Characteristics of a bad wife

• Complaining - Proverbs 21:9
• Looking back - Genesis 19:16-29
• Leading away from God - Job 2:9-10

Characteristics of a godly husband

• Faithfulness - Hosea
• Passionate Love - Song of Songs
• Tender Love - Ephesians 5
• Spiritual Leadership - 1 Timothy 3:12

Waiting for the bridegroom

• Preparation - Matthew 25:1-13

I welcome your prayers on this journey, and your participation, if you are so inclined. I hope to share the journey with you, so feel free to follow along on my blog or to have conversations with me over coffee, Skype, or phone. I would love your feedback, insight, and encouragement.

Thank you for sharing life with me!

In Christ,
~Erin

Revisiting the Dating Fast

I am in the process of cleaning up my blog and tweaking the layout and look. Please be sure to let me know your thoughts on the changes.

As I was going through old blogs, I came across this list of themes and passages on dating that were part of The Dating Fast, my original blog series that I started many years ago. Since that time, I have revisited these verses many times, seeking His heart and His will for my life and giving Him my desires for a Godly husband. I have learned that I can trust Him with heart and with my future, whatever that holds.

Enduring Hardships
Hebrews 12: 7-13

The Inseparable Nature of God's Love
Romans 8: 35-39

Peace Without Bitterness
Hebrews 12: 14-17

Restoration/ Healing Fractures
Psalm 60: 1-3

Shaking the Dust Off
Matthew 10: 11-14

Hope for a Settled Future
1 Peter 5:10

An Invitation to Leave the Tent
Exodus 33: 7-11

Abundantly More
John 2: 1-5

Overcoming Fear
1 John 4:18

For Such a Time as This
Esther 4: 12-14

Noble Character
Ruth 3: 10-11

The Nature of Love
1 Corinthians 13

Treasure and the Heart
Matthew 6: 21

True Beauty
1 Peter 3: 2-4

A Prayer for Love
Philipians 1: 9-11

The Value of Two
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

Perseverance
Isaiah 40: 28-31

Stumbling Along the Way
Psalm 37: 23-24

Praying with Expectancy
Habakkuk 2:1

Seeing as God Sees
1 Samuel 16:7

Finding Favor
Exodus 33: 12-13

A New Creation
2 Corinthians 5:17

Abiding in Christ
John 15: 5-12

Sexual Purity
1 Corinthians 6: 18-20

Plans for Good
Jeremiah 29:11

Day 50 - Breaking Fast & Going Forward

Fifty days ago, I began a journey to intentionally seek God’s will in my life in the area of relationships. I was heartbroken and hurting, in need of God’s healing, His peace, His restoration in my life. I wanted to know His heart, His love, His desires and also how to live those out in integrity not just with dating relationships, but with family, friends, co-workers, everyone in my circle of life.

I started with a list of passages and themes, but I didn’t really know where He would lead. Maybe I thought I would end up justified, that I was right or had the right answers. That’s a laugh, for sure, as seeking God is always a humbling experience reminding me that He is God and I am not.

Instead I found God challenging me, challenging my thoughts about what it means to love, how to make intentional decisions, how to trust Him to write the script in my life. Even more so, I found Him asking me to be content where I am, focusing single-mindedly on Him, even while in the midst of pursuing His will and His plans for the future. I found Him reminding me that is He is the great healer, the One who can do abundantly more than we could think or imagine, the One whose ways are much higher than our ways, and the One that can redeem any kind of painful circumstance in our lives and bring radical good out of it for His glory and to accomplish His purposes.

I am thankful for the truths of His word, that the Bible isn’t just empty words on a page, but words that speak directly to my life, to my needs and my questions and my crises. I am thankful it always points me to God who is in complete control and who cares intimately about me and about each of us.

I’ve had several people ask me about what is next. And the truth is I don’t have that answer either. But as I seek to apply these truths in my life, I am trusting God to give me wisdom to make the right decisions about dating and to both guide and guard my heart as I try to live those truths out with integrity.

Psalm 147:11 says “The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love.” Going forward, I want Him to be able to delight in my life, and I want to be able to put my hope in His love, a love that never fails. I certainly do not think I am there yet, but I know the journey of getting there is incredibly worth it.

Thank you for being a part of this chapter of my life and for encouraging me in this journey. It has been cool to have conversations with old friends and new through this process, reflecting, connecting, and even sometimes disagreeing over my thoughts. It is great to share life together with others.

May God bless…
erin

Day 36 – Next Steps

I look back over these truths from these past weeks and I see more of who God wants me to be and how I can honor Him in my singleness and in my relationships. Through it, I have realized my failures, my unhealthy patterns, and a standard that I could never possibly live up to but a love that loves me regardless. I have realized that while it is hard to trust a guy with my heart, that I can always trust God with my heart and that He will be there and guide me whether it leads to the greatest love I have ever known or the greatest heartbreak I can imagine. God does work all things out for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. When we seek Him, He will take care of us, even when we get off track or let Him down.

Through this journey, God has taught me compassion, how to really feel for others. He has taught me what it means to really love, to make those intentional choices to respond in love, even in the midst of pain… and how impossible that is apart from Him. It is because of His love for me, that it becomes possible for me to love others, romantically but also and perhaps more importantly others around me, family, friends, co-workers. His love is a transforming love, a powerful love, an active love.

As I look at these truths and look at my life, I think about how I am going to put together the pieces. During these next two weeks, I want to shift to thinking about that, how to live out these truths. I know God still has a lot to show me along the way, but I want to start making decisions and start living these truths out in my everyday life. I want to cultivate that contentment, to live out integrity, to reach out in love to those around me.

So many times when I am seeking God’s will, I get caught up in what He wants me to do next. When that happens, I go back to one particular verse, one that says exactly what I need to be doing to find God’s peace and His will, Philippians 4:10. “Do what you have learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.” How can God show me the next steps before I learn to do what He has already shown me? He has revealed so many truths to me over the last few weeks, and as I go forward my task is to keep remembering those truths and to actively and continuously apply them to my life and my relationships.

Day 32 – Single-minded

During the past month, I have focused a lot on relationships. I want my dating life to glorify God; I want to get married one day; I want to choose to love another person in the way that God chooses to love me. I want the freedom of spending the rest of my life with someone who knows me, who cares about me, who wants the best for me. I want all of that and more.

But I am serious about wanting God to write the script in my life. I give those desires to Him. I was talking to one of my friends the other day, sharing with him about all the great lessons that God has been teaching me. And I value those, and I know that through those God is preparing me to be the woman He created me to be. But my friend’s response resonated with me. He said, all that sounds good, but I guess I’m content being single.

I used to be content being single. I used to not think about dating much, because I didn’t date much. Now, I’ve lost a lot of that contentment and shifted my focus so much to relationships, that I’m in danger of missing the One who created me for relationship. I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out who I need to be in a relationship, that I’ve forgotten that God wants to use me right now, where I am, a single person free from family obligations and soon to be free from school obligations. He wants to use me now... to love others, to serve Him, to grow in faith, to minister to others.

1 Corinthians 8 says that there is much value in being single… that when we’re single, we can devote ourselves to God without distraction. When we’re married (and I think it applies also to relationships) our attention is divided. We can so easily get distracted because then we have to take another person into account.

I’m thankful for what God has taught me about relationships. I want to learn to be that woman of integrity, to make wise decisions, to love, to forgive, to choose peace… I want those, and I want God to continue to teach me and to prepare me to be the woman He created me to be. But I also want to be single-minded towards Him. I want Him to be the focus of life, for Him to write the script, for Him to use me and to grow me, and for Him to glorified in my life, now as I am single, and in the future, whatever that holds. I want to focus on serving Him, on ministering to others, on worshipping Him, and fulfilling His will for my life.

I say that I am on a dating fast… that is changing. I am turning in my dating desires, to give them to Him entirely, not just until May 8th, but until His timing, and only if He writes the script and builds the house. My focus instead is on Christ and glorifying Him.

Day 29 - Writing the Script

I’ve been fortunate to be in some good relationships, even with solid Christian guys with good hearts, guys that at the end of the day I could say even though the relationship didn’t work out, I was glad to have had them in my life. But I’m learning that finding a good guy isn’t enough; finding that rare combination of Godly character, compatibility, and chemistry is not enough; praying and seeking God’s will strangely is not enough. That something is missing, something that is challenging the whole way I think about dating.

The verse that is on my mind today is Psalm 127:1 - “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” That’s it…. Sometimes, often times, I go into a relationship thinking about what I need to do and who I need to be. I think about a checklist of priorities or traits that I’m looking for in someone and then I think about how I can make it work, even when things get tough. But what God is showing me is that I can’t build the relationship. Even me and the other person, the two of us together can’t build that relationship into what it needs to be, even if we clothe it in prayer and godly intentions. God has to not only be in the relationship, He has to build the relationship – His way, in His timing, and according to His will.

I have had times where I really thought God was in it, where both me and the guy were truly seeking God’s will. Now, though, I can look back at some of those relationships and see that God wasn’t writing the script; we were writing it, according to what we thought was His will and then prayerfully submitting it for His approval.

Honestly, I don’t know what it looks like to let God write the script in my relationships, anymore than I know what it looks like to let Him write the script for my life. So many times I come with my desires, my requests and submit them for His approval instead of seeking Him, knowing Him, gaining clarity into the direction He wants me to head. He cares about me. He wants me to have abundant life in Him, so why can I not trust Him to lead me to His best? (Psalm 23) Why do I try to pick up a pen, when He has already written a beautiful story for my life, better than anything I could think or imagine? (Jeremiah 29:11)

Day 27 – Making Tough Decisions

I have talked a lot about integrity – responding in love, seeing the full picture, acting with intentionality, making the right decisions. Sometimes, though, honestly I get stuck. I want to do the right thing, but I don’t really know what the right thing is. What then? I posed this question on my Facebook page and asked some of my trusted Christian friends as well. Then, I spent some time looking at some verses.

Here are some principles from 1 Peter 3: 8-17, that I found particularly helpful to my decision-making dilemna:

• Live in harmony with others. (v8)
• When that fails, repay others with a blessing. (v9)
• Speak well of others (v10)
• Do good (v11)
• Seek peace and pursue it (v11)
• Focus on God, not on myself and not on my situation (v12)
• Pray, knowing He is listening (v12)
• Develop and keep a clear conscience about what to do based on previous steps (v16)
• Act without fear (v14)
• Act with gentleness and respect (v15)
• Leave the results to God (v13)

As I moved down this list with my decision, I was led to really question my actions, my motives, and my focus. As I shifted my focus away from me to Him, as I really prayed about it and sought His wisdom and His clarity, my heart changed. What I needed to do changed; the decision itself changed. And I gained a whole new sense of what was right in the situation and a whole new sense of what I needed to do. Now that’s pretty cool, if I say so myself.

Day 24 – The Missing Piece

Love… do I really know how to love someone? I know how to be in a relationship with someone. I know how to care about someone. I know how to let someone into my life. But I’m not really sure I know how to love someone. And it doesn’t matter what else I bring to the table, or whatever other good is there, without love, it is useless. (1 Corinthians 13: 1-3).

I’m talking about real love, sacrificial love – a love that is patient, that is kind, a love that does not envy, and is not prideful; a love that is considerate, putting the other first, and love that is not selfish, is not about seeking self gain; a love that doesn’t respond in anger, even when blind-sided or hurt; a love that forgives instead of keeping a tally of faults or failures; a love that is honest and true, even when the truth hurts, and a love that is actively protecting, and hoping, and working for the best (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7).

The truth is even when I start out genuinely caring about the other person, when things get tough, it is too easy to become impatient and selfish, too tempting to keep track of the wrongs, the embarrassment, the pain; too risky to not be selfish; too dangerous to continue to hope.

The only hope for learning to love like the picture in 1 Corinthians is to be perfected by God’s love for me, to let His love radiate through me and change my heart and my mind, to change my natural responses from one of selfishness to selflessness, to develop a new capacity to love based on His love, His patience, His grace that He has shown me. He is the one that is slow to anger and quick to forgive. He doesn’t keep track of our sins and He is always there even when we hurt him or grieve Him. He sets the example for me to follow, for us to follow, to show us how to love each other in a radically different way, with a life-changing kind of love.

Perhaps love is not just the missing piece in my life, but also the missing piece in our society, the piece that keeps us from moving beyond selfishness to building intentional connections and community, to really sharing life with each other and really caring about the other people around us. Ah, that sounds like another topic for another day. What do you think?

Day 21 – Looking Through the Glass Dimly

I need new glasses. I am near-sighted in one eye and far-sighted in the other, so without my glasses I have a hard time getting any sense of depth perception or sanity. But because each eye is good at something, I can manage for a short time without any glasses at all. I may not have the most accurate picture or the complete picture but I can usually make do fairly well over a short period of time.

I just got new windshield wipers, thankfully. Who knew how essential these were for living in Columbia, not just for dealing with rain, but to get rid of the yellow sheet of pollen on my windshield every morning.

Over the last few weeks as I have been on this fast, I am beginning to see just how often I get used to looking through the glass dimly (1 Corinthians 13:12) – of course I am not just talking about a dirty windshield or adjusting my eyesight without the right glasses. So many times, I get used to seeing situations, people, relationships through my limited perspective. Instead of seeing how things really are, I see what I want to see, or what I expect to see. It may not be the most accurate or complete picture, but I make do and fill in the rest with my best guess.

Even my best attempts and best guesses are often well off the mark. Here is a good example. I really struggled when I left my full-time job to go back to grad school full-time. Everyone else seemed to be at a different place in their lives and I didn’t seem to fit the mold. The other night, though, as I was celebrating my less than a month to go graduation with some friends, one of them talked about how hard it was for her in grad school; this was someone that I completely thought fit the mold and had an easier time of it than most. All I could see was how hard it was for me… and it never occurred to me that it was that hard for her too. I was seeing through the glass dimly.

At other times, where I have seen hostility, there has really been hurt. Where I have seen aloofness in coworkers or colleagues, it has been their loneliness and need for true friendship. Instead of hearing what someone is saying, sometimes I assume I know what it on their mind or heart. Instead of praying and seeking God’s will, I assume I can figure it out on my own. So many times I miss what is really there or what God is trying to show me, because I become content with my dim picture.

Then I think about the Chris Tomlin song, “Give Me Your Eyes.” Oh, how I want to see as God sees. How I want to have His compassion to see the hurt and needs of others. I want to have His perspective – “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).

I may never be able to see the full picture, but I want to see through His lenses, His love and His truth. The lenses that see us as we are, imperfect, clumsy, flawed people but that choose to view that through His incomprehensible and perfect love.

Day 17 – Speaking with Intentionality

As I ponder the integrity question, I realize that it really is a mind and heart question, both changing the way I think as well as the way I feel. I look to the book of James to start my thinking. I think integrity encompasses a lot of things, but it starts with “letting your yes, be yes and your no, be no” (James 5:12)– meaning what you say and speaking with intentionality.

This is something I struggle with and here are a couple of ready examples from the weekend. Let’s start small… sometimes I am just completely mindless in conversation. The guy behind the counter at the gym tells me to have a great workout, and I respond with “you, too” even though he is not working out, merely because I responded to what I thought he was going to say instead of actually listening to what he really had to say. It’s a small thing, but listening counts. Did I mean what I said? No, what I said didn’t even make sense.

Or the time last week in class when one of my classmates made a comment about an exam question. Instead of listening and responding to what she said, I immediately react without thinking, with my frustration at something entirely different. Speaking mindlessly.

Other times, I speak mindlessly and it has a lot more serious ramifications, disconnecting my words from the impact they will have or how I want them to be interpreted. I speak mindlessly and I hurt people that I care about, or I offend people without knowing that I have done so. I get so caught up in expressing myself that I miss what they are trying to say or I become oblivious to the hurt that I have inflicted.

Somehow, I need to pause intentionally, choose to really listen to the other person, and then respond in a way that shows I care, that I am listening to them, and that gives me an opportunity to convey the meaning that I actually want to convey. I need to speak with purpose, and to let my words match my meaning. I need to let my yes, mean my yes, and my no, mean my no.

All I can say is that kind of mindfulness is new and is much harder for me. It’s going to take discipline and practice to learn new habits, to change my mindset, to really connect with others in my conversations, so that they can trust my words and my heart.

Day 15 -- True Freedom

My heart’s cry is to be a woman of integrity. I want to act honorably and sincerely in my relationships with other people, my work relationships, my dating relationships, my friendships. I want to be known as a woman of principle and a woman of my word. Sometimes, though, I miss the mark entirely.

The truth is, sometimes I don’t even know what integrity looks like. I don’t know what the right answer or right decision is. Sometimes I get lost in indecisiveness or just start drifting along with what feels right at the moment. One of my close friends had an honest conversation with me once about my patent unreliability and indecisiveness. Wow. That was hard to hear. But he was right, that’s not who I want to be.

“True freedom has more to do with following the North Star that with going whichever way the wind blows. Sometimes it seems like freedom is blowing with the winds of the day, but that kind of freedom is an illusion. It turns your boat in circles. Freedom is sailing toward your goals” (Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia)

There have been many times I have just drifted along; times I have been turned in circles, doing whatever fits at the moment, but not really getting anywhere. I don’t want that anymore. I want to be fixed on Christ, the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2) That is one of the reasons I am on this fast, to seek His will, to find clarity about the decisions that I need to make and who I need to be, in dating, in my career, in every aspect of my life. So many times, my life gets so busy with noise, that I forget to “be still and know He is God.”

As much as I want to be a woman of integrity, I can’t do that if I don’t know what it looks like. How can I be a woman of integrity if I don’t have a clear sense of the principles that I want to live by? How can I act with honor if I am constantly changing my mind? How can people trust my sincerity when it changes every day?

In the days and weeks ahead, I want to focus on discerning what integrity looks like. I have some ideas – noble character like Ruth, acting in love like 1 Corinthians 13, having true beauty that comes from within.

If you have suggestions for me as well, please share them. I welcome your comments and feedback. What does it means to act with integrity and honor? And how do we live it out when integrity is not always honored by those around us?

Day 13 - Dating, Jobs, and Tattoos

Over the past several years, fear is one thing I have struggled with constantly in relationships. I am a self-confessed commitment-phobe, afraid of getting too close, of getting hurt, of hurting someone else. I’m also afraid of dating the wrong person or making poor decisions or just screwing up my life. And you know, the more I think about it, it’s true for a lot more of my life than just dating – it’s true of careers, and ministry, and buying a house, or getting a tattoo. Commitment terrifies me. I steer clear of signing on the dotted line as much as possible.

God is showing me, though, that I don’t have to be fearful in any of those situations. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love. Perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love.” I read that and at first, I was taken back. Punishment is not what I am afraid of… but maybe it is…. I’m afraid of the consequences that might come, the failure, the hurt, the bad decisions. But I don’t have to be. God wants to perfect us in His love… it’s not that the consequences won’t necessarily come – it’s that I can trust God regardless of what happens.

I’m learning that I can trust God with my heart. I can be open and not fearful in relationships because I know that He cares and He will take care of me whether a relationship leads to heart-break or an incredible love unlike any that I’ve ever known. I can trust Him with my career, because I know that He will take care of me whether I am in the same job for 35 years or whether I am laid off tomorrow. I can trust Him with whatever comes, good or bad, because He is in control AND He cares. His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is perfect when my strength is gone.

I still worry sometimes about those decisions, but then I read 1 Timothy 1:7. “God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.” When we walk with Him, He gives us the wisdom to make the right decisions, He gives us the power to live the life He has called us to live, and He has given us a love that is constant and true, even when all else fails.

We, I, don't have to be afraid of commitment. I can approach situations boldly, knowing that He has equipped me to make wise decisions, to commit to the right things. Even when I get off track or when things don't work out the way I have planned, He'll be there in the aftermath, comforting me and using it for my good. I don't have to be afraid of relationships; I have to use Godly wisdom when it comes to relationships. I don't have to know what job I will be at tomorrow, or next year, or five years from now; I have to know the one that is preparing me for the role He wants me to play. I don't have to fear; I can live abundantly in Him and in His power, trusting Him whatever tomorrow brings.

Perfect love does drive out fear.

Day 10 - Abundantly More...

John 2:1-5

The story of Jesus turning the water into wine… We talked about this story yesterday in Sunday school, and it taught me something new about how to pray.

In the story, Mary comes to Jesus with a situation – a problem, not a solution, not a request, just a problem. She doesn’t state any desire of her own. She just shares her problem with Jesus and then lets go of it. Actually, she walks away, leaving it entirely in Jesus’ hands.

And Jesus responds, providing His solution to her problem – a solution that showed He cared, that glorified God, and that more than solved the problem. In fact, the solution He provided probably far exceeded anything Mary could have requested or imagined. He provided abundantly more.

So many times, I pray about my requests, bringing God my solutions to my problems and wanting Him to make them happen. Or I pray my desires, as if I know the best picture possible for my life and He just needs to allow it to happen. Praying that way, though, I miss out on the miracles that He wants to do in my life. I may miss out on the abundantly more that He wanted for me. It may lead me further away from God’s plan for my life. As I’ve pondered this passage yesterday and today, I have become more convinced that my way of praying doesn’t honor God and His sovereignty. It doesn’t acknowledge Him as Lord of my life and it doesn’t glorify Him.

During this journey, I want to be a blank slate before Him, giving Him my problems, my desires, and leaving them in His hands, letting Him answer as He wants, being able to walk away and leave my past, present, and future in His hands. Instead of requesting, I want to share, to lay my burdens at His feet and then wait on Him to answer, to guide, to lead in the way He chooses.

I want Him to be the one writing the script, not me. I don’t want His approval for my life, I want to sign on to His best that He already has planned for me. I have a feeling it will be abundantly more…

Day 7 - An Invitation to Go Deeper

Exodus 33: 7-11

The other week in our prayer group, we talked about this passage… and it has still been resonating in my heart.

The tent of meeting was set up outside the Israelite camp, as a place where anyone could go to meet with God. Anyone could go. It was an open invitation for all who wanted to know Him personally, anyone who wanted to inquire of the Lord.

Only Moses and Joshua went, though. The invitation was open to all, but the verses say these two were the ones that went. It says that the others would stand outside their tents and watch, from the sidelines. They would watch as God’s presence would visibly descend on the Tent of Meeting. They would stand and worship, but none of them chose to go to the tent themselves.

I wonder why. Why would they stay on the sidelines when they could see God and know Him more? Why would they hesitate to meet with God and to fellowship with Him?

Was it because they didn’t care? I don’t think so. They stood and watched. They cared about what was going on. They chose not to get involved. Maybe because going to the tent required leaving the safety of the camp behind. Maybe because it required connecting with God personally instead of relying on their leaders. Maybe because they were satisfied with what they already knew.

All these reasons sound familiar to me. They are all reasons/ excuses that I have used. It’s much easier to stay in camp, to be safe, than to dare to go deeper, to experience God personally. Experiencing God, though, takes risks, it involves hardship and leaving the familiar to trust Him day by day. But it also leads to joy and peace. Because he came and met with God, Moses had a friendship with God. God met with him, face to face; God spoke to Moses and revealed Himself to Moses in a special way… all because Moses dared to go deeper.

I don’t want to watch from the sidelines. I still want to go deeper with Him. I want to be His friend. I want Him to reveal Himself to me and to show me His will for my life.

Day 5 - A Settled Future

1 Peter 5:10

I feel sad. I don’t know if I am ready to shake the dust off and close the door with finality. I haven't been ready to close that door yet. I need to, but I guess I still struggle with saying my final goodbye to that chapter in my life.

The last few weeks have been very unsettling, and honestly, they are just a small part of a much larger unsettled feeling in my life. Over the past five years, I have moved four times, been through several major job changes, gone back to graduate school, which was a huge transition in itself, and really created an upheaval in my life from who I was before. Change is not necessarily a bad thing, but I have had a lot of it over the last several years. And my life is getting ready to change again, in May, after I graduate. I’m not really sure what changes that will bring about, but I know I am excited about having free nights and weekends and the ability to get back involved in ministry.

Really, I yearn to be settled, to be in a place for more than a year, to have roots in the community, at church, at work. I want to know what it is like to have some stability, without getting bored and without getting complacent, but having some sense of being established. Some of my friends here in Columbia have been here for many years, and sometimes I’m jealous of that sense of shared history they have with others, walking through different life changes together, seeing each other grow, and helping each other. I crave that sometimes, and sometimes it seems so far from where I have been and where I am right now.

This verse in 1 Peter is one of my life verses. I cling to it in moments like this, when I feel unsettled, because it says that God has a plan, and He will ESTABLISH us, STRENGTHEN us, and SETTLE us. On the other side of the suffering and hardships and changes of life, God will bring us to a settled place in Him. I love that.

It reminds me of Abraham who set out on a journey to an unknown destination, and God led him through to bring him to a good and prosperous land that would be his for generations. Sometimes I feel like I am wandering aimlessly, taking my best guess at where God is leading, and trying to follow His path, but the truth is I have a hard time seeing the final destination. I have a hard time seeing where He is leading and which path I should choose. Instead, I have to trust Him day by day to show me the next steps along the way, seeking His wisdom and His guidance as I make decisions that can take me further on that journey and lead me to that place of peace and settledness in Him.

Day 4 - Shaking Off the Dust

Matthew 10: 11-14

I appreciate everyone’s comments and messages about the entries so far. It helps to know that people are reading and that you are finding it encouraging. If you haven’t shared your thoughts with me yet, please do so. I would like to hear from you and to know what you think.

A couple of the comments that I have received have led to an interesting discussion about dating itself and how to go about pursuing God’s will.

I read this passage today, and I thought it was a good analogy for dating. It was certainly not written in the context of dating, but rather in commissioning the apostles for ministry. However, the steps that they were given seem to apply to the dating process as well.

• Search for a worthy person (v 11). Obviously a key component of dating is to find someone of solid character and spiritual maturity.
• Greet new opportunities (v 12) to get to know that person. My translation… Be open.
• Test it. It actually says, “If the house is deserving” (v 13). Find out if this person is God’s best for you. Find out if God is blessing it, and if the compatibility, the values, the growth is there. I think time and prayer are the only ways to determine the answer to this question.
• If it is, then let God’s peace rest in it (v 13). Enjoy it! Build that trust and intimacy that will prepare you for a covenant marriage.
• If/ when God stops blessing it, and peace departs from it, its time to leave (v 13).

Leaving is seldom easy, especially when it means walking away from something that once seemed like it had God’s blessing. But it doesn’t mean that the experience was a failure. It maybe means that God brought us together for a reason, that He did bless it, and then He was ready to move us on to another place, another situation, perhaps another relationship.

At first, I thought shaking off the dust was a harsh act of bitterness. Now, I don’t think it is. I see it more as a symbolic closing of one door, a cleansing act, so that we, I, can move on to the next place of ministry or growth or relationship that God has in store without looking back.

Day 3 - Restoration & Healing Fractures

Psalm 60

Sometimes I wonder about the scars from relationships. I worry about emotional baggage that may hinder future relationships. I wonder if some fractures can really be healed or if time just dulls the pain.

God, though, is the great healer. In these verses the psalmist cries out to Him because He is the one that can restore us (v 1); He is the one that mend the fractures (v 2) even when it seems like the earth is quaking beneath us. Broken hopes, broken hearts, broken trust… God can heal all of those in us. He is in the restoration business. “With God, we will gain the victory.” (v12).

I was talking to one of my friends tonight, and she told me that it is impossible to break a bone in the exact same place twice. A doctor told her that after she broke her arm twice in nearly the same spot. As she remembers it (and we haven’t verified the medical veracity of this) the doctor told her that breaks never happen along a previous break. It is as if the new bone growth from the healing process gives that section of bone a new strength that makes it much less susceptible to breaking.

I like that picture. Maybe when we have scars, God applies His special healing that mends the hurt and through that healing process God restores us in ways that give us new wisdom, strength, and grace for all that lies ahead, that enable us to continue to be open to new relationships and at the same time stronger than we were before.

Day 2 - Choosing Peace instead of Bitterness

Hebrews 12: 14-15

I choose not to let bitterness take root in my life (v15). It is hard, at times, and something I’ve really been struggling with over the last few weeks. It’s much easier to be angry than to feel hurt. It’s much easier to respond bitterly than to let people see you cry. People even give you permission to be angry… it’s part of the process; they almost expect it. But for me, it doesn’t help.

The anger, often the result of seeking out fault in the other person, distracts me from looking at myself and my fault. It keeps me from seeking God’s good in the situation and causes me to miss His greater purpose. It keeps me from admitting that I cared and from acknowledging the gift of sharing part of my life with another person, even if only for a short period of my life.

These verses talk about a better way, deflecting anger and bitterness, refusing to let it take root in my life, choosing to live in peace with others (v 14), perhaps even those who have hurt us. I think about the people that I have hurt in my life, and I realize that it is only through grace that we can return pain with forgiveness, letting God’s love dissolve the hurt, and intentionally choosing the path of peace over bitterness. I am grateful for people in my life who have chosen that path, and that is the person that I want to be. I want to mirror God’s grace. I want to choose to see His love and His forgiveness reflected in my life. I choose peace.

Day 1 - The Inseparable Nature of God's Love

Romans 8: 35-39

Today is my fifth anniversary of the day I was baptized and completely surrendered my life to Christ. When I think back on that day five years ago, I always go back to the Phillips, Craig, and Dean song “When God Ran.” That song is one of God’s great love messages to me, to all of us… it is the story of the prodigal son coming home and the Father running to meet him, to tell him that he (the Father) still loves him. The chorus goes like this:

“The only time I ever saw Him run
Was when He ran to me,
He took me in arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said my son’s come home again
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in his voice,
He said, ‘son, do you know I still love you.’” (Phillips, Craig, and Dean)

That is God’s great message… I used to think I was too much of a failure, that no one could love me like that, no one could love me in spite of my faults. God’s love is different, though. He is different. His love is eternal, never changing, and unconditional. He never changes His mind; He loves us in spite of our fears, our faults, our failures. Wherever we are, whatever we do, nothing can separate us from His love. The verses in Romans say that neither trouble, or hardship, or disaster, nor the present, nor the future can separate us from His love. His love is constant. He is always there, ready to take us in His arms, assuring us that in spite of everything, He still loves us. He still loves me.

Day 0 - Enduring Hardships and the Haunting Question of Why

Hebrews 12:7-13

I think why is sometimes the most haunting question of all, but I really like the answers provided by these verses. Here's three reasons that God says hardship comes into our lives and why we should press on in the difficult times -

• so that we may LIVE (v 9) and not just a mediocre existence, but abundant life in Christ
• so that we may share in His HOLINESS (v 10) - fire refines us like gold burning away the impurities
• so that it can produce a harvest of RIGHTEOUSNESS and PEACE in our lives (v 11).

This passage also gives us the answers to how to respond to hardship:

• Accept it as God's discipline (v 7), not that it is God's punishment toward us, but rather that He has something to teach us and that we have something to learn from it.
• Submit to His Lordship (v 9) because He is ultimately in control.
• And my favorite…THEREFORE, strengthen our arms (v 13). Because He is in control, we can be strong, even in the midst of heartache or job loss or any other difficult time.

That's what I want the next 50 days to be about... learning what God has to teach me, acknowledging that He is in control, and being strengthened by Him.