16 Things Not to Do In Marriage

I came across this article the other day, and it gave me a different way to think about all these horror stories of marriage. What is one to do when there is so much that can go wrong in a relationship? How can we make the right choices and be the right person?

The article was written by a single father who has been divorced twice. When his sister was getting married, he thought about what advice he could give her, given that his two marriages had failed. He thought about all the things that he had done wrong and what he would do differently if he could. His words reflect the wisdom and insight that is often learned in the school of hard knocks.

Some items on his not-to-do list:

• Don't stop holding her hand.
• Don't stop trying to be attractive.
• Don't yell out at her - out of anger or out of convenience.
• Don't skip out on things that are important to her.
• Don't always point out her weaknesses.

Read the full article here: 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage

All these things seem to boil down to love, to choose love over anger, to choose gratitude over taking someone for granted, to choose respect over laziness, and to love in action just as much as through words, to love as God has loved us - abundantly, extravagantly, and faithfully.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." - 1 John 4:16

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy...each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must also respect her husband." - Ephesians 5:25,33

"If you have any encouragement from being united in Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." - Philippians 2:1-4

For all the hopelessness of past failures, pain, and heartbreak, there is hope in God alone. His love is faithful and true.

The Puzzles & the Friend

I had this dream last night. I was on the floor and spread out before me were puzzles – 100 piece puzzles, many of them, the pieces all mixed together. If you have ever worked these kinds of puzzles, you know they are relatively easy to work; they just take time. Even with the pieces mixed together, it’s relatively easy to figure out which piece belongs to which puzzle and how the pieces fit together. A friend was there in the floor with me, helping me to put together the pieces. We were rushing to get them done. The task before us was urgent. The work had to get done, but we had it under control. We were making significant progress.

Then, I turned around and noticed unbeknownst to me, on this other side of the floor were more puzzles, this time 1000 piece puzzles. If you have ever worked these puzzles, you know they present a much greater challenge. It is no longer obvious what the bigger picture is or how the pieces fit together. Now, it is work to seek out the right pieces and to make progress. We didn’t get extra time. In fact, we didn’t know how much time we had. We just knew they had to get done. The task was the same –but the progress was much slower, the challenge was much greater. The challenge seemed impossible to me. I was overwhelmed. I’m going to need more time. The rules changed. No answer came. But my friend urged me on, urged us on, as we set to work all the puzzles, as we set out to confront the new challenge. It was slow, but piece by piece we started making progress. It was slow and frustrating, but as we continued to work, the bigger picture started to emerge. I realized my friend was right. We could do this, we were doing this. And so we kept pressing on, working faithfully at the tasks before us.

Have you ever had one of those game-changing moments? Have you ever felt you had it under control, doing the work, going about your business, with purpose and intentionality, and yes, even with confidence – knowing that you were fully ready for the task at hand, that you knew what had to be done and was working to accomplish it? Then, as you are working on it, as you are getting it done, suddenly the rules change, without your knowledge or consent. The challenge that seemed so manageable becomes harder, your confidence is shot, and it seems overwhelming. Have you ever felt that?

I have. That has been my reality for the last few months, as I have transitioned to a new position, full with new challenges and with different pieces that I don’t know how they fit together. It has been overwhelming at times. It has also been exciting at times, to catch glimpses of the bigger picture. The truth is I am good at working 100 piece puzzles. There are certain tasks that I have mastered and have under control. I know how to get things done. But now, I also have 1000 piece puzzles – ones that I haven’t mastered and struggle to make work, ones that I don’t know what they are supposed to look like or what the end result is going to be.

BUT my friend does. My friend has seen the box lids. My friend was there when the design was created. My friend is there guiding me, showing me how some pieces connect, correcting my missteps along the way – you know, the times you so much want a piece to fit only to try to force it or convince yourself it is the right fit. My friend knows when it is the wrong piece. He knows the right pieces. He holds them in His hands, waiting for me to take them from Him. He urges me on, encourages me to keep working, to be faithful with the task at hand.

The prayer of Jabez (1 Chronicles 4:10) is popular in Christian circles. It becomes in some sense a call for greater responsibility and greater blessings in our lives. In this prayer, “Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.’ And God granted his request” (NIV, 1984). Sometimes, though, when God enlarges our territory, it can feel like being moved from a working a 100 piece puzzle to a 1000 piece puzzle. Even the answer to our prayer, more responsibility, better opportunities, can seem overwhelming. But God’s hand is with us. In my dream, my friend was with me. I wasn’t left alone. I am not left alone. You are not left alone. God is with us. When He calls, He equips. He “equip[s] us with everything good for doing His will and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him through Jesus Christ...” (Hebrews 13:21)

Here are some promises that have encouraged me in the challenges that lie ahead:

• In times of preparation – “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:13-14)
• In times of weakness & failure – “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
• In times of discouragement – “And the God of all grace who has called you into eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)
• In times of correction – “All Scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17)
• In times of doubt – “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
• In times of lonliness – “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20).

I’m working the puzzle. I don’t know how all the pieces fit together. But my friend is with me. I plan to be faithful, even when it seems daunting. I plan to trust Him and take the pieces from His hand. He knows what is best. And I’m excited to see the pictures start to emerge, to see the masterpieces He has created.

Tuning In

While I have been reading Katie’s story, Kisses from Katie, I have also been reading The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer. Although vastly different, the books are strangely complementary to each other. The latter one, more a theological look at what it means to pursue God, and the other, a tangible testimony of a young woman doing just that in Uganda.

One of Tozer’s points is that God wants to reveal Himself to us. He wants us to seek after Him and to walk with Him in intimate relationship. Although we may not always be manifestly aware of His presence, He is always there with us. As Christians, we must develop and cultivate our spiritual receptors and awareness. In other words, we must tune in to God. He writes, “Let any man [or woman] turn to God in earnest, let him begin to exercise himself unto godliness, let him seek to develop his powers of spiritual receptivity by trust and obedience and humility, and the results will exceed anything he may have hoped in his leaner and weaker days” (41).

I think about Katie, and I see a young woman doing that, stepping out in trust and obedience, humbling serving the children in Uganda. I see her sincere desire to help and to leave the world she knew behind to choose God. I question her methods at times, just because I know my own pride and my own shortcomings and how easy it is for me to get off track. But what I find refreshing and reassuring is that we don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to have all the right answers or do all the right things. We need to seek God and trust Him, stepping out, even imperfectly, with obedience and trusting that He will honor that. And even more, He will use it to teach us and to grow us. He’ll reveal Himself in fresh ways as we tune in to His voice, as we cultivate those gifts of receptivity, as we become more and more aware of His presence on a daily basis.

Katie suggests in the book that it is easier for her to do that in Uganda, in a place free from much of the materialism and distractions of the States. It’s easier for her to trust in God when He is the clear source of daily provision and protection, the One who so clearly holds life & death in His hands. Is God the same in Uganda as here? Absolutely. But there, free from some of the distractions and “white noise”, she can perhaps see Him and hear Him with more clarity.

I had a similar experience when I went to Nicaragua. Something about being in a different culture and stepping outside my own comfort zone, I was more aware of His presence. I was more “tuned in” to what He had to show me. I’ve also sensed Him here, as I visit El Camino, a bilingual church plant serving the Hispanic community, or even at my own church in Sunday school or during quality prayer time. God is always nearby. He is here. He craves that intimacy and fellowship. As we seek Him, we tune into His presence, we “come to know Him more intimately and with deeper understanding, that the barriers of thought and feeling between the two are disappearing, and that father and [child] are becoming more closely united in mind and heart” (38). To me, that’s a beautiful picture of walking with God and seeking Him.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been caught up some “white noise,” feeling disconnected and even frustrated at times. I’ve been futilely going through the motions and yet craving that fresh revelation. Over the last couple of weeks, though, I have found myself earnestly seeking Him, stepping out in some small ways, but trusting Him anew. And each step I take, I become more and more aware of His presence. I find myself more and more drawn to Him in prayer and Bible study, more in tune with His heart and His will for my life. It’s a process. I love that Tozer points that out. This isn’t a once and done event, rather it is the journey of walking with God over time, of developing that trust and cultivating that intimacy, of learning from our mistakes and our missteps, of returning and renewing that faith, of stepping out once again in obedience.

I would love to hear your thoughts. How have you experienced God’s manifest presence? What is some of the “white noise” that keeps you from tuning in to Him? And what are some of your success stories, blocking out the noise to tune in and experience God in fresh and exciting ways?

Tozer, A.W. (reprinted 2009). The Pursuit of God. W_L_C. pp 36-41.

Beyond the Barren Places

These last couple of months have been hard. Right as a celebrated a year here in Waco and at my job, I found out that my job is changing – a good position and good opportunities, I think and I hope. But instead of feeling more comfortable in my role, I find myself instead starting from scratch once again, navigating new relationships and dynamics, new responsibilities and challenges. And through the process I have found myself staring all my insecurities in the face again – feeling like I am not good enough, or smart enough, or polished enough. I have felt very beat up in that process, very drained, very lost. My teaching has suffered and my work has suffered as a result. I found myself going through the motions, but they were very unfruitful, very stale and stagnant, very unfulfilling.

The questions that I was almost afraid to ask loomed right beneath the surface. Why would God bring me all the way to Texas, far from family and friends, far from the ministries that He had given me? Why am I in this desert place? (Desert, figuratively speaking, Waco is not a desert.) Why do I feel so barren and unproductive when I am here to be useful, to serve, to minister, to grow? I’ve done much soul-searching and much praying over the last couple of months asking God and searching for those answers, trying to sense His purpose for me here and His purpose in my work.

And answers did not come easily or in expected forms. As I was struggling one day to make sense of it, I came across a friend’s status update on Facebook, requesting prayer for his 5 year old daughter with a serious & painful disease. I just stopped in my tracks, and read her story and cried for her. God was showing me a different perspective on my “hardship” in light of the very real pain and unimaginable suffering of a young girl and her family. I was deeply moved by compassion for her, deeply moved by her courage and her family’s faith, deeply moved by seeing God work in her life. Her name means mercy. As so many called out to God for mercy on her behalf, I could sense God writing an incredible story in her life, one that reveals Him as the God of all mercy, the healer, the redeemer.

That may seem random, but to me, it was a reminder and a message that I needed to hear – one that went straight to the desert place in my heart and reminded me of God’s love and His mercy, even in the midst of horrible pain and suffering as in her life, and in the hard, unpleasant times in mine. God is with us, even when we are weak, when we fail, when we just are not good enough. His grace is sufficient, His love is overflowing, and He is more than enough, abundantly more.

Last week, we started wrapping up the semester. On the one hand, I finished up my two courses and realized how much my teaching had suffered in this transition, how much I had felt lost and how much it showed in my courses. I felt I had let my students down and myself. On the other hand, though, I celebrated with students at our end of the year banquet and got to recognize them for their work, their leadership, their projects, their sense of calling and purpose. And in doing that, it reminded me of why I do what I do – I care. And I want to be a part of investing in students’ lives, of helping them to discover their purpose and calling, and helping them to overcome their own sense of inadequacies and failures. I got to see a student who was so talented and yet unsure of herself step into the president role of a student organization, passionate about making a difference. I got to recognize a student who is a gifted artist for using her talents and abilities to talk about important issues on campus. I had the opportunity to see students who have decided to serve, decided to step into the community and work alongside professionals to make a difference in dental care, in politics, in education, in so many different areas. It was energizing and exhilarating. I came back with new focus and energy in my work, new productivity and hope.

Yes, there are times that I am wholly inadequate, times when I fall flat on my face – figuratively and literally. But there are times when God completely uses those inadequacies to equip me for my work. I know what it is like to be ready to make your mark on the world, to want to do great things for God, and so caught up in fear and insecurity and doubt. I also know the value of someone coming alongside me, guiding me on that journey, and encouraging me as I continue to step forward. I want to be that for students. I want to encourage, develop, minister, teach, and guide them along their way.

Please pray for me as I move into this new position. In my new role, I will be overseeing the service programs on campus. I have the opportunity to work with students as they seek to serve in a variety of a different ways, and I will have the opportunity to shape the conversation on campus around service – focusing on how to love and how to minister, how to do service the right way with the right heart. I am excited that Baylor is making a new commitment to expand community engagement across campus and to build more meaningful and intentional relationships with the community. I think we have a unique opportunity to cultivate servant-leaders and to make a difference in our local community and around the world. The responsibilities and the tasks loom large, and in many ways I am inadequate. But He is enough, more than enough, and He equips us for the work He calls us to do. I am very thankful that I get to play a pivotal role in this office and these efforts, that I was recruited for this position and asked to take it on. I am even more thankful that God is with me every step of the way, past the insecurities and inadequacies and into the place of His mercy and grace.

Seeking a Heart Like His – Through Failure

See 2 Samuel 11 & 12

Sometimes even when we get it right, we are only a few small steps away from falling. And so it was with David. Just a short time after all his patient waiting, after his wisdom and grace in handling the transition to power, he finds himself in a different place. This place was one of complacency, of power, of pride – one where the king who goes out to battle with his men decides instead to stay home. The king who kept his eyes on God now puts them on a beautiful woman. Lust sets in, and then adultery, and then murder. The spiral downward is astonishingly quick and the callousness in David’s heart shocking. How could this man after God’s own heart fall so quick and so hard?

I was at a student retreat with work this past weekend. We were talking about leadership and people that have been leaders in our lives that have let us down, that have suffered tremendous moral failures. The disappointment and hurt in the stories was palpable. There is no sugar coating, no excuses that make it okay, just raw pain and wrongdoing. It’s like a sucker punch that knocks us on our feet. Talk of forgiveness is difficult, the bitterness real, and the trust broken.

As I was thinking about how to respond to the stories these students were sharing, it took me back to the place of failure in my life, when I let God down and those around me. I remember the guilt and the shame, the lies and the pain. The disappointment that just hung in the air. Nothing I could do to change it, to reverse it, to make it better.

I reminded my students of that, that any of us can find ourselves there. There is no immunity from failure, no immunization that protects us. Temptation can find us and sin can all too easily entrap us. We are all sinners in need of a Savior and in need of grace and forgiveness. There is no time when we are more aware of that need than when we utterly fail.

The story of David’s fall is humbling in so many ways. It is scary to see the fall of a great and godly man. But the hopeful and reassuring part of the story is that it wasn’t the end of David’s story. It didn’t disqualify him from being a godly man. In spite of the sin, in spite of the loss and ugliness and horror of his actions, God still loved David. He confronted David and sought Him out, not letting David hide from his sin. And when David repented, He forgave and restored David. There were steep consequences that David would have to endure, but there were still incredible moments ahead for him. Some of the most beautiful prayers come after David’s sin with Bathsheba – prayers of restoration and forgiveness, prayers leading Israel in praise and preparation for the temple and for Solomon as king, prayers of both humility and wisdom.

Maybe part of what made David a man after God’s own heart was not that he never failed but rather even in the time of his worst failure, his heart remained tender and open to correction, aware of the need for his Shepherd.