On Death, Dying, and Living Well

There is nothing like contemplating death for giving us a new perspective on life. While I was home for the holidays, I thought about death quite a bit. I thought about it as I left Waco knowing my pastor would likely pass away before I returned to Waco and as I got the news that he had indeed passed away. I thought about it while taking my dad to the hospital when his blood pressure was dangerously high, and we thought he was having another heart attack. I thought about it while visiting my grandmother who continues to decline and inch closer and closer to the other side. I had sweet and special time with my family, maybe particularly sweet given the realization again of how blessed we are for each day together and how quickly death can sneak up on us. Even when we know it’s coming, it is an unwelcome intruder into our lives, robbing us of people near and dear. But death is also peace from suffering and eternal rest in Christ. It is to be present with God in all His glory and to be with Him forever.

The grief is real, though, just as the promises are. I realized while I was home how much I have already grieved my grandmother and how much I already feel the loss of her. I also realized how completely unprepared I am to lose my dad. Dad, I want you around so much. I need your wisdom, your love, and your strength in my life. I still have so much to learn from you. But I know that regardless of what happens in either situation, or with any of my family and friends, I know God is in control and He cares. So as I pondered death & dying, I decided to revisit His words and His truth, seeking solace and peace.

I love that God understands our grief, and even cries with us! He is there when the tears won’t stop. And He is a God of Comfort, who wraps us in His loving arms. I love the assurances He gives us to help us through the tough times. And I love that He is God over death, and God over life, that Jesus came that we might have life abundantly and that we might live fully in Him. The paradox of death is that it is both fully certain, in that it comes to all of us, and uncertain, in that we don’t know when or how it will come. To make our lives count, we must live fully in Him. We must run the race well and fight the good fight.

Here are some passages and verses that particularly spoke to me. If you are dealing with loss in your life, I hope these verses encourage you as much as they encouraged me.

Grief
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:17-18

2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.
3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
-Psalm 127:2-4

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
-Psalm 42:1-5

32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. 35 Jesus wept. 36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” – John 11:32-36

Comfort
4 Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
-Isaiah 46:4

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Assurances
13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words. – 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. – John 14:1-3

Living
I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly. – John 10:10

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:12-14

6 For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. 7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. – 2 Timothy 4: 6-8


Do you have other verses that have spoken to you on death, dying, or living well? If so, please share in the comments section below. I would love to hear from you.

Beyond the Barren Places

These last couple of months have been hard. Right as a celebrated a year here in Waco and at my job, I found out that my job is changing – a good position and good opportunities, I think and I hope. But instead of feeling more comfortable in my role, I find myself instead starting from scratch once again, navigating new relationships and dynamics, new responsibilities and challenges. And through the process I have found myself staring all my insecurities in the face again – feeling like I am not good enough, or smart enough, or polished enough. I have felt very beat up in that process, very drained, very lost. My teaching has suffered and my work has suffered as a result. I found myself going through the motions, but they were very unfruitful, very stale and stagnant, very unfulfilling.

The questions that I was almost afraid to ask loomed right beneath the surface. Why would God bring me all the way to Texas, far from family and friends, far from the ministries that He had given me? Why am I in this desert place? (Desert, figuratively speaking, Waco is not a desert.) Why do I feel so barren and unproductive when I am here to be useful, to serve, to minister, to grow? I’ve done much soul-searching and much praying over the last couple of months asking God and searching for those answers, trying to sense His purpose for me here and His purpose in my work.

And answers did not come easily or in expected forms. As I was struggling one day to make sense of it, I came across a friend’s status update on Facebook, requesting prayer for his 5 year old daughter with a serious & painful disease. I just stopped in my tracks, and read her story and cried for her. God was showing me a different perspective on my “hardship” in light of the very real pain and unimaginable suffering of a young girl and her family. I was deeply moved by compassion for her, deeply moved by her courage and her family’s faith, deeply moved by seeing God work in her life. Her name means mercy. As so many called out to God for mercy on her behalf, I could sense God writing an incredible story in her life, one that reveals Him as the God of all mercy, the healer, the redeemer.

That may seem random, but to me, it was a reminder and a message that I needed to hear – one that went straight to the desert place in my heart and reminded me of God’s love and His mercy, even in the midst of horrible pain and suffering as in her life, and in the hard, unpleasant times in mine. God is with us, even when we are weak, when we fail, when we just are not good enough. His grace is sufficient, His love is overflowing, and He is more than enough, abundantly more.

Last week, we started wrapping up the semester. On the one hand, I finished up my two courses and realized how much my teaching had suffered in this transition, how much I had felt lost and how much it showed in my courses. I felt I had let my students down and myself. On the other hand, though, I celebrated with students at our end of the year banquet and got to recognize them for their work, their leadership, their projects, their sense of calling and purpose. And in doing that, it reminded me of why I do what I do – I care. And I want to be a part of investing in students’ lives, of helping them to discover their purpose and calling, and helping them to overcome their own sense of inadequacies and failures. I got to see a student who was so talented and yet unsure of herself step into the president role of a student organization, passionate about making a difference. I got to recognize a student who is a gifted artist for using her talents and abilities to talk about important issues on campus. I had the opportunity to see students who have decided to serve, decided to step into the community and work alongside professionals to make a difference in dental care, in politics, in education, in so many different areas. It was energizing and exhilarating. I came back with new focus and energy in my work, new productivity and hope.

Yes, there are times that I am wholly inadequate, times when I fall flat on my face – figuratively and literally. But there are times when God completely uses those inadequacies to equip me for my work. I know what it is like to be ready to make your mark on the world, to want to do great things for God, and so caught up in fear and insecurity and doubt. I also know the value of someone coming alongside me, guiding me on that journey, and encouraging me as I continue to step forward. I want to be that for students. I want to encourage, develop, minister, teach, and guide them along their way.

Please pray for me as I move into this new position. In my new role, I will be overseeing the service programs on campus. I have the opportunity to work with students as they seek to serve in a variety of a different ways, and I will have the opportunity to shape the conversation on campus around service – focusing on how to love and how to minister, how to do service the right way with the right heart. I am excited that Baylor is making a new commitment to expand community engagement across campus and to build more meaningful and intentional relationships with the community. I think we have a unique opportunity to cultivate servant-leaders and to make a difference in our local community and around the world. The responsibilities and the tasks loom large, and in many ways I am inadequate. But He is enough, more than enough, and He equips us for the work He calls us to do. I am very thankful that I get to play a pivotal role in this office and these efforts, that I was recruited for this position and asked to take it on. I am even more thankful that God is with me every step of the way, past the insecurities and inadequacies and into the place of His mercy and grace.

Seeking a Heart Like His - Through Grief

For those of you who don’t know, I am currently doing a Beth Moore Bible study on David. This study is so rich and has prompted my thinking in so many ways about what it meant for David to be a man after God’s own heart and what it means to me to be a woman after God’s own heart.

It’s been hard to find time for writing lately, so it’s been awhile since I’ve caught you up on David. So much has happened – we last left David in the difficult time of waiting, waiting to be king, waiting to step into God’s purpose in his life, and running from King Saul.

After years on the run, David finds himself almost at home in enemy territory, the land of the Philistines (1 Samuel 27). When the Philistines prepare to fight Israel, David and his men prepare to join them (1 Samuel 29). The king trusts David, but the other Philistine leaders do not. They send David & his men back home – thankfully. Can you imagine fighting against the people you are supposed to lead? What kind of political campaign would that create?

But when David & his men return to Ziklag, they find tragedy. Their wives, sons & daughters have all been taken; the city of Ziklag was burned to the ground. Nothing was left. Sheer devastation. Sheer grief.

“So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep” (1 Samuel 30:4).

At this point, could things get any worse for David? God is supposed to have good plans for his life, but he’s been on the run, Saul has been trying to kill him, and now his family is taken from him, and he and his men are exhausted and grief-stricken.
There are moments when all we can do is weep, when words seem completely inadequate, when our world comes crashing down, loss sets in and everything changes.

In those moments how comforting it is to know that we have a God that weeps along with us (see John 11:35). Even when Jesus knew the end of the story, even though He knew the good plans God had in store, He wept right along with Mary & Martha over the loss of their brother. In the time of our deepest grief and mourning, Jesus is right there with us, “a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering” (Isaiah 53:3a). He shares our grief and our struggles. He doesn’t leave us alone.

And He didn’t leave David alone. “David found strength in the Lord his God” (1 Samuel 30:6b). David cried out to Him and God responded by giving Him strength and wisdom, and God led David into battle, giving him victory over the Amalekites (the bad guys) and freeing all the hostages.

A chapter later, David loses his best friend Jonathan and mourns the death of King Saul. The grief kept piling on. But God was always present, and He continued to give David strength. He is always present with us. And He cares. He evens weeps along with us. God is good. He works all things out for good (Romans 8:28), but we have to trust Him even when we can’t see the good, even in the midst of our grief.

This has been so true in my life. Moving is a different kind of grief, and for months after moving to Texas I was overwhelmed by the sense of loss in my life – friends, family, community. But God gave me strength and His presence has been so real in my life. I’ve now been here a year and I can see how He works it all out for good. He is still writing the story, but it’s a good story, even through the challenging times.

How has God strengthened you during times of grief? Have you felt Him crying with you?

Be encouraged. “I tell you the truth…you will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” (John 16:20).

Next, we follow David to the throne and to success and praise... Stay tuned! I have a lot of catching up to do.

The Beauty of Suffering

Lately, I have been contemplating suffering, particularly as my grandmother has gotten weaker and weaker and has been on the brink of death. It has been hard to hear her talk about being in pain, to hear of her bad days, to sense her suffering. When I went home at the beginning of the month, she was saying her goodbyes. She is wrapping up her time here on earth and preparing to go Home. My grandmother is one of the most loving and joyful people I know. There is a beauty about her spirit that just radiates love and laughter and joy. I don’t know how else to describe it. I’ve sensed that spirit about her for a long time. Over these last few weeks though it has become even more evident, something about the suffering that she is going through and the peace that she has in the midst of it is… is touching and fragrant and beautiful.  Her suffering isn’t beautiful. It’s incredibly hard at times to see her in pain and to not be able to make it better. But her suffering makes her peace even more striking, more radiant.

At church this morning, we studied the letter to the church in Smyrna (Revelation 2: 8-11). I tend to think of Revelation as this mysterious book that raises more questions than it provides answers. There is so much I don’t understand. I don’t really think of it as applying to my life, here and now. But today was different. This passage was different. It spoke right to the heart of my ponderings on suffering.  

The church in Smyrna was hard-pressed and facing all kinds of trials. They were poor; they were being persecuted by the Jews; they were falsely accused and slandered by the public; they were labeled atheists (???) because they didn’t participate in the emperor worship that was prevalent. They were suffering - physically, financially, and probably emotionally. I can imagine they were probably feeling beat down by their circumstances, frustrated and discouraged.  

Even though I have never faced that kind of persecution, I can certainly relate to those feelings of discouragement and even despair at times; I think we all can. We can find ourselves seemingly beat down by  life, wanting things to get better and looking for hope. That is what makes Jesus’ words to them stick out to me. They needed encouragement and His words spoke right to the heart of the matter.

Jesus says to this suffering church, the people right in the mix of very real trials and tribulation, “I know your afflictions and your poverty” (v 9). He says he knows the tough times they are going through. He notices. He sees. And not only that, He cares. 1 Peter 5:7 says “Cast all your cares upon Him, because He cares for you” (emphasis added). How wonderful it is that He knows our troubles, He feels our pain, He cares when we hurt! He goes on to say to them, don’t be afraid, the suffering will be intense but it won’t last forever (v 10). He then encourages them to be faithful, to continue to stand firm (v 10). He reminded them of His faithfulness and that He had already claimed the victory. He is the one who died and is now alive again. He is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last (v 8). He is the one that has been there from the beginning and is there now and will be there forever. What a tremendous promise, particularly when we feel alone and discouraged!

What an incredible message! Here were a people feeling beat up by life, by the world around them. And Jesus encourages them. And He encourages them as one who has been there in the midst of suffering. “And because He himself suffered when He was tempted, He is able to help those who are being tempted” (Hebrews 2:18). “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses…” (Hebrews 4:15).

So why does God allow suffering? Why not deliver us? Why doesn’t Jesus just rescue the church in Smyrna? Why doesn’t He rescue us from the hard times? Why does my grandmother have to continue to suffer? Why doesn’t He just give us the answers we are looking for?

“…now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1Peter 1:6-7)

God is not calloused. He cares for us deeply. In fact, He is using the suffering and the trials in our lives for our good. He refines us like gold, to strengthen our faith, and to reveal His glory. Smyrna is also the Greek word for myrrh, the fragrant oil used for burial. The oil comes from a bark that is hard-pressed. As the bark is pressed (similar to grapes in a winepress), the fragrant oil is released. Sometimes, the hard times are what God uses to bring out the valuable fragrance in us, the fragrant aroma that bears fruit in our lives.

The fact that something beautiful and fragrant can come from suffering blows my mind, that God can use it for a greater purpose and He can be glorified in it. Then I think about the tough times in my life, and I think about the fruit that came out of those times – new love and compassion for others, new dependence on Christ, new maturity and lessons learned through the pain. As I look back now, I see the ways He redeemed the pain and the heartache, the ways He worked for good. The beauty is not the suffering but rather the beauty of God’s hand at work in the midst of it.

Please continue to pray for my grandmother and my family. Pray also for those who currently feel beat down by life, in the midst of the trials. I know several of my friends are going through difficult times. It's so hard to see the people we care about suffer. Pray also for those facing severe persecution, like the church in Smyrna. Their suffering makes the daily challenges of my life seem trivial and selfish.

Day 27 – Making Tough Decisions

I have talked a lot about integrity – responding in love, seeing the full picture, acting with intentionality, making the right decisions. Sometimes, though, honestly I get stuck. I want to do the right thing, but I don’t really know what the right thing is. What then? I posed this question on my Facebook page and asked some of my trusted Christian friends as well. Then, I spent some time looking at some verses.

Here are some principles from 1 Peter 3: 8-17, that I found particularly helpful to my decision-making dilemna:

• Live in harmony with others. (v8)
• When that fails, repay others with a blessing. (v9)
• Speak well of others (v10)
• Do good (v11)
• Seek peace and pursue it (v11)
• Focus on God, not on myself and not on my situation (v12)
• Pray, knowing He is listening (v12)
• Develop and keep a clear conscience about what to do based on previous steps (v16)
• Act without fear (v14)
• Act with gentleness and respect (v15)
• Leave the results to God (v13)

As I moved down this list with my decision, I was led to really question my actions, my motives, and my focus. As I shifted my focus away from me to Him, as I really prayed about it and sought His wisdom and His clarity, my heart changed. What I needed to do changed; the decision itself changed. And I gained a whole new sense of what was right in the situation and a whole new sense of what I needed to do. Now that’s pretty cool, if I say so myself.

Day 17 – Speaking with Intentionality

As I ponder the integrity question, I realize that it really is a mind and heart question, both changing the way I think as well as the way I feel. I look to the book of James to start my thinking. I think integrity encompasses a lot of things, but it starts with “letting your yes, be yes and your no, be no” (James 5:12)– meaning what you say and speaking with intentionality.

This is something I struggle with and here are a couple of ready examples from the weekend. Let’s start small… sometimes I am just completely mindless in conversation. The guy behind the counter at the gym tells me to have a great workout, and I respond with “you, too” even though he is not working out, merely because I responded to what I thought he was going to say instead of actually listening to what he really had to say. It’s a small thing, but listening counts. Did I mean what I said? No, what I said didn’t even make sense.

Or the time last week in class when one of my classmates made a comment about an exam question. Instead of listening and responding to what she said, I immediately react without thinking, with my frustration at something entirely different. Speaking mindlessly.

Other times, I speak mindlessly and it has a lot more serious ramifications, disconnecting my words from the impact they will have or how I want them to be interpreted. I speak mindlessly and I hurt people that I care about, or I offend people without knowing that I have done so. I get so caught up in expressing myself that I miss what they are trying to say or I become oblivious to the hurt that I have inflicted.

Somehow, I need to pause intentionally, choose to really listen to the other person, and then respond in a way that shows I care, that I am listening to them, and that gives me an opportunity to convey the meaning that I actually want to convey. I need to speak with purpose, and to let my words match my meaning. I need to let my yes, mean my yes, and my no, mean my no.

All I can say is that kind of mindfulness is new and is much harder for me. It’s going to take discipline and practice to learn new habits, to change my mindset, to really connect with others in my conversations, so that they can trust my words and my heart.