For Better & For Worse - Moving Beyond the Worst

Over the last week, I have looked at some of the worst aspects of marriage, the brokenness and the hurt that is left in the aftermath of broken promises and abused trust. And I have only dealt with two topics – pornography and money. I haven’t even gotten to adultery and abuse, abandonment and apathy. I can introduce you to many more of my friends and their stories.

Like my friend Ellie, whose husband just decided one day that he didn’t want to be married anymore, or my friend Carol, whose husband left to “find himself.” Meet my friend Erika who found herself in an abusive relationship, characterized by fear instead of love. And meet my friend Andy whose wife constantly complains about him, or Steve who constantly complains about his wife. Meet my friend Leigh who has let years of bitterness and resentment build up between her and her husband, or my friend Danny who struggles to remember what he loves about his wife.

The truth is there are many evils that can take root in marriage, much bitterness, deep wrongs, and broken promises. Oh the promises – they sound so good on the wedding day…

I do solemnly take you to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.


…but oh, to live those promises out is much harder I’m afraid. To have a marriage where both spouses choose to love and to cherish each other, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of money or distractions, to commit to be with each other, to share life together as one for the rest of their lives – that is much harder. That’s a God-level commitment that we can’t make on our own.

We are flawed, imperfect people, and even when it is the last thing we want to do or intend to do, we inevitably let each other down. We fail. Sometimes we slip, and sometimes we utterly fall. But, praise God, He is a God of grace and a God who restores and redeems! He is a God who gives us strength and makes the impossible, possible in Him.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:31-32

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, and will bring you back from captivity.” – Jeremiah 29:11-14

As I ponder these promises from God’s word, I have hope, hope in spite of broken human promises, hope in the faithfulness of God, in the strength of God, in the sovereignty of God. Marriage is a promise before God, but it is ultimately a covenant with God.

“Unless the Lord builds the house, he who labors, labors in vain.” – Psalm 127:1

God, I am utterly incapable of loving as you loved. But as I seek you, may your love of me transform my life and this relationship. Enable me, us, to love each other as you have loved us, to be faithful and true, to be patient and kind, to act with integrity and intentionality, with gratitude and kindness. Let no bitterness or resentment set in, root out all apathy and complacency. Fill us with who you are and allow us to feast on your goodness in our marriage, day by day, from this day forward.

16 Things Not to Do In Marriage

I came across this article the other day, and it gave me a different way to think about all these horror stories of marriage. What is one to do when there is so much that can go wrong in a relationship? How can we make the right choices and be the right person?

The article was written by a single father who has been divorced twice. When his sister was getting married, he thought about what advice he could give her, given that his two marriages had failed. He thought about all the things that he had done wrong and what he would do differently if he could. His words reflect the wisdom and insight that is often learned in the school of hard knocks.

Some items on his not-to-do list:

• Don't stop holding her hand.
• Don't stop trying to be attractive.
• Don't yell out at her - out of anger or out of convenience.
• Don't skip out on things that are important to her.
• Don't always point out her weaknesses.

Read the full article here: 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage

All these things seem to boil down to love, to choose love over anger, to choose gratitude over taking someone for granted, to choose respect over laziness, and to love in action just as much as through words, to love as God has loved us - abundantly, extravagantly, and faithfully.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." - 1 John 4:16

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy...each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must also respect her husband." - Ephesians 5:25,33

"If you have any encouragement from being united in Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." - Philippians 2:1-4

For all the hopelessness of past failures, pain, and heartbreak, there is hope in God alone. His love is faithful and true.

For Better & For Worse - Money & Financial Issues

Over the last several posts, I have been taking a harsh look at some of the haunting images of marriage that have disturbed me. As I seek to regain perspective on marriage as God intended for it to be - the marriage feast, the celebration of love & sacrifice, the metaphor for Christ and the church - I realized I needed to confront some of the brokenness I have witnessed in marriage and search for God's healing & His truth in the midst of that brokeness.

For Worse...
What does money have to do with marriage? Or the brokenness of marriage? Well, let me tell you some of the horror stories I have witnessed, or you can tune into Suze Orman anytime to hear more. She regularly features guests whose financial habits and decisions have jeopardized the trust and foundation of their relationships.

“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money” Matthew 6:24. Money is a primary competitor to God in our lives…and in marriage.

Meet my friend Sally, married for several years. Without her knowledge, her husband maxed out their joint credit cards, leaving them with a pile of unmanageable debt and unruly bill collectors. The broken trust was just as painful as the financial fallout, if not worse.

Meet my friend Scott, whose marriage plans fell apart when his partner felt like money equaled love and pursued more and more stuff at the expense of their relationship and their future.

Meet my friend Wes, whose wife took financial advantage of him, leaving him with nothing of his own except more brokenness.

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” – Psalm 127:1

I’m reminded of the story of Ananias and Sapphira – “Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet. Then Peter said, “Ananias… You have not lied just to human beings but to God.” (For the full story, read Acts 5: 1-11)

“People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people eager for money have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” – 1 Timothy 6:9-10

For better...
What does a God-honoring marriage look like? One that honors God more than money, not one that lets money become a dividing force; one that builds mutual trust and respect, not one that values the material over the relationship; one that acknowledges God as the source of provision, not the paycheck; one that works together & prays together over finances, not one that isolates and deceives.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

In what ways have you or your partner, married or single, chosen relationship over money? If finances have been a stumbling block for you, what helped you to recover? In what ways has God revealed Himself as Jehovah Jirah, the God who provides?

Additional resources:
Financial Peace University - Dave Ramsey
Crown Financial Ministries
Suze Orman

The stories shared in this series are all true from people that I have in some way shared life with through the years. These are reflections based only on what I observed, from the vantage point of friendship. I have changed all the names to protect their identity.

For Better & For Worse - Pornography & Sexual Sin

As I start this journey, I need first to acknowledge the brokenness of marriage. Marriage is for better or for worse, or probably more accurately for better and for worse. I have witnessed the joys of beautiful weddings and the hope of a new life together, the addition of children, and the richness of God’s apparent blessing. But I have also all too often witnessed pain & heartbreak, dashed hopes and families ripped apart. My hope is that by sharing some of these stories, both for better and for worse, that God will reveal anew His covenant and His plan for marriage, His healing and His redemption in the midst of our brokenness.

These stories are all true and they are people that I know personally, some closer than others. These, though, are not the stories of distant acquaintances, but the stories of people that I have in some way shared life with through the years. Of course, I don’t know all the details of every situation. These are reflections based on what I observed, from the vantage point of friendship. I have changed all the names to protect their identity.

For Worse...

Meet my friend Katie, married with beautiful children. Her husband, a leader in the church, is arrested for online sexual activity with a minor. The brokenness, the broken trust, the lies and the deception, the family ripped apart – and even worse, in a public way. How do you explain that to your children? Or yourself? I can’t imagine.

Meet my friend Jill. After her first year of marriage, she sensed her husband withdrawing. She later discovered her husband was addicted to pornography. She found herself competing with fantasies that could never disappoint and losing. Thankfully, Jill & her husband are still together, but it took years for him to claim victory over the addiction, for them to recover and heal, and to rebuild that broken trust.

Meet my friend Allen, married with a child. His wife thought even though she was married, it was okay to look. Unfortunately, she continued a little further down that road thinking she wasn’t hurting anyone and ended up having a long-term affair. Eventually, Allen discovered the lies & betrayal, devastating him and ripping the family apart.

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you.”
– Psalm 25:16-21

“[The Lord] heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
– Psalm 147:3

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
– Psalm 34:18

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen…for God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.”
- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” – Hebrews 13:4

“…[The Lord] has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.” - Isaiah 61:1

Please pray for all of these individuals and their families, and others that may be suffering the aftermaths of pornography or other sexual sin. Pray God will comfort them in the midst of the pain and brokenness. And pray that God will bring healing and peace in their lives.

For Better...
Meet my friend Nancy. Her husband is in the military, a hotbed for adulterous relationships and infidelity. Yet, their marriage has withstood numerous deployments, challenging times and job transitions. Intentionally seeking God each step along the way, and with the prayers & support of their church family, their marriage has seemed to grow only stronger with time, tested and refined by the fires, but not destroyed.

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” –1 Peter 1:6-7

For those who are married, how do you live a holy and honorable life in your marriage? How can we intentionally show honor to God through marriage?

Next: For Better and For Worse - Money

For Better & For Worse

Several people have asked me since I started this journey, if the marriage feast is the launch of some super-search for a spouse or a prayerful fast for a spouse. And the answer to both is no. In fact, if I was dating anyone right now or clearly headed in that direction, I am fairly certain I would not have the guts to do this. (I already feel uber-vulnerable taking this on, and especially sharing it publicly.)

Over the last couple of years, I have learned to trust God more with my dating life, and while not perfect by any means, I have been much more intentional and prayerful about the dating relationships I have been in. I’ve been fortunate to date some high quality godly men. Even in those good relationships, though, I had some kind of block toward marriage. I want to get married, at least I think I want to get married. But I am also really okay being single. God has blessed me with ministry opportunities and close community, with pieces of my life that would look very different if I was married. I value my singleness. And sometimes I have valued it more than the possibility of marriage. And here’s the part I need to be honest about, sometimes I have even devalued marriage, not because of what God intended for it to be, but because of the brokenness and the pain from marriages that all too often fail to live up to that ideal.

For me, this journey is not so much about whether or not I want to get married or will get married. I want to go through this journey to look at marriage again from God’s perspective, to see it as a celebration of His love and goodness , a picture of His redemption and grace, a glimpse of His glory, apart from the distorted view of brokenness and sin. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all…” This journey for me is about honoring marriage more, not valuing singleness less. (Read 1 Corinthians 7 for more on valuing both.) The last thing I want to do is feed discontentment in my life. I want God’s best for me, whether single or married. And I want to honor the institution of marriage and family that He created.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.” – Mark 10:7-9.

Sometimes that God-envisioned marriage is very different from the brokenness & pain of earthly marriages. We’re all broken, but how do we move beyond the brokenness we see, especially broken relationships and failed marriages? How do we allow Christ to heal our hearts & transform our lives? How do we view marriage again the way God sees it - through the lens of His restoration & redemptive work?

My plan for next week is to look at stories that have shaped my understanding of marriage, for better and for worse, to acknowledge some of the raw brokenness, but also to celebrate the radical good. I hope you’ll read along, whether single or married, and find hope and encouragement yourself.

As always, I welcome your thoughts and feedback along the way.

Additional Resources:
The Bachelor Pastor: Premarital reflections on singleness, purity, and ministry
For a great clip on valuing singleness in ministry and as a gift from God, check out this clip from Pastor Steve DeWitt from Bethel Church in Indianapolis. He is a 44 year old senior pastor, who recently married for the first time. This clip is his last sermon as a single pastor and offers his reflections on singleness, ministry, & purity.

From Dating Fast to Marriage Feast

Several years ago, I embarked on a dating fast, an intentional time away from dating to seek God’s will for my life in dating relationships, specifically seeking His healing and His direction. What does it mean to be a woman of integrity in dating? What I realized is that dating for me had become a distraction from God, from the ministry and the life I felt God was calling me to live. It was a 50 day journey and without a doubt one of the most meaningful times in my life spiritually, as I dove into scripture and sought God with a new level of earnestness.

Several weeks ago, I revisited the Dating Fast, looking back on that time in my life and remembering some of what God had taught me through that experience. After pondering the lessons learned and then thinking about where I currently am, I realized that in many ways I had internalized those truths for my life. I have for the most part been much more intentional about my dating choices and had made much wiser decisions when it came to being a woman of integrity.

I also realized, though, that I had internalized the message that dating is a distraction from God’s purpose for my life. In my resolve to keep my eyes on God, I took that to mean that there is something less spiritual about dating and that dating need not be a priority in my life. And in some respects, I took that a step further to marriage. While I want to get married in theory, sometimes I assume a super-spiritual posture of being single-minded instead of the super-vulnerable posture of being single. Sometimes I have viewed marriage more as a distraction from ministry, from God’s purpose & calling into my life, instead of a wonderful blessing from God and a primary calling in and of itself. I am a self-confessed commitment-phobe, and I confess that sometimes instead of viewing marriage as a wonderful blessing, I think more of the dangers, the horror stories, a view of marriage distorted by pain, brokenness, and all too often divorce.

However, over the last year, God has challenged that view in my life. I have been so fortunate to witness so many incredible love stories written by a God who calls us into relationship with Him and with each other. I have seen firsthand the love that weathers the storm, the love that redeems the past, the love that matures in marriage to a blessing & an intimacy that is one of God’s richest blessings. And while still imperfect and flawed, I have also seen the strength of a three-strand cord (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12) and the power, value, and blessing of a marriage centered in Christ. I also have been reminded that marriage is the metaphor that Christ uses for His relationship with the church and the depiction of the marriage feast that awaits us in Christ. The marriage feast - a celebration of unity and community, a fulfillment of anticipation & desire, the beginning of a new life together eternally with Him. I confess that has not been the way I have pictured marriage. I want to ponder that, to let that truth meditate in my heart, to let God reveal Himself to me as the God of the marriage feast, the God that yearns for us to be reconciled with Him, the God who yearns to pour out His blessings, that prepares the table of grace for us, and that makes it possible for us to be united with Him. I want to ponder what that means for marriage here and now, what it means for my life and my ministry, my heart & my desires.

So, I want to set out on this journey, to once again seek God’s will in my life, for my dating relationships and for marriage - eleven weeks, today, my birthday, until the end of the year. I will likely revisit some of the themes of the past, some of the lessons learned. But I also want to dive into new scriptures. I want to look intentionally at God’s will and His plan for marriage. I want to challenge myself to not view dating as necessarily a distraction. It certainly can be a distraction. But I want to look at how it can be not a distraction but rather how it can be a tool that God uses to show us the way, to lead us into deeper relationship with Him and a deeper understanding of His love for us.

Here are some starting scriptures I plan to peruse:

The marriage feast

• Christ & the church - Revelation 19-22
• Joy & desire - Isaiah 62:5 & 54:5

Purpose of marriage

• Leave father & mother - Genesis 2:24
• Becoming One - Mark 10:1-11
• Two are better than one - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Blessing the search

• Isaac & Rebekah - Genesis 24
• Provider & redeemer - Ruth

Characteristics of a godly wife

• Noble Character - Proverbs 31
• Gentle Spirit - 1 Peter 3
• Respect & submission - Ephesians 5, Genesis 3:16

Characteristics of a bad wife

• Complaining - Proverbs 21:9
• Looking back - Genesis 19:16-29
• Leading away from God - Job 2:9-10

Characteristics of a godly husband

• Faithfulness - Hosea
• Passionate Love - Song of Songs
• Tender Love - Ephesians 5
• Spiritual Leadership - 1 Timothy 3:12

Waiting for the bridegroom

• Preparation - Matthew 25:1-13

I welcome your prayers on this journey, and your participation, if you are so inclined. I hope to share the journey with you, so feel free to follow along on my blog or to have conversations with me over coffee, Skype, or phone. I would love your feedback, insight, and encouragement.

Thank you for sharing life with me!

In Christ,
~Erin