The last two weeks have been hard. I think the excitement of the new adventure wore off a little, and I just started feeling the extreme loneliness and uncertainty and emotional rollercoaster of starting over. Somedays, I come home feeling relatively good, and then at the least little thing, I just crumble and start missing home and friends and that sense of familiarity, and then shortly after that I would pull myself together and start to get excited again about being here. It’s a rollercoaster; it has been, and it probably will be for awhile.
Several weeks ago, while putting stuff away and going through boxes and whatnot, I found an old cross-stitch pattern that I started when I was a child. My grandmother and I used to do it together when I spent my summers with her. This week, I pulled it out when I was really lonely and bored and in want of something productive to do. The pattern I had started so long ago was a little boy praying. I dusted it off and picked it up and decided to complete it for my new nephew-to-be due in June.
For those of you who may not know, I do not sew. I am not the domestic type at all and neither cooking nor sewing are on my list of fun things to do. But something appealed to me about it, so I picked it up anyway. I looked at the stitches that I had done so many years ago – they were awkward and tentative, far from tight and pretty. The underside revealed a mesh of threads, quite messy and rough. But from the front, you wouldn’t necessarily know it. The foundation was there. As I started again, it was rough going – the thread broke, or it knotted, or I didn’t follow the pattern right. The stitches aren’t even and far from perfect. But slowly and surely the picture starts to take shape, almost in spite of me and my shortcomings.
As I got into a rhythm with it, my tears dried up and my lonliness started to melt. I could sense God reminding me that even when I feel like a mess, He is arranging the stitches and working the pieces together for good, for a picture that will be beautiful in the end. Even when it’s rough and threads break and things seem like they are unraveling, it’s about staying the course and following the Guide, day by day, letting Him work and untangle and build something worthwhile.
I’m excited to finish the pattern and give it to my brother & sister in law for my nephew. It will be something little that comes with a lot of love and a good story to tell.
Please continue to pray for me. The transition is hard. I know it will get better, and I know God is at work in the midst of it. I am so thankful for wonderful friends and family, all the prayers and notes of encouragement that have made it easier. I don’t know how people make it without that kind of support.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Seven Years Ago...
Seven years ago yesterday, my life changed forever. Someone once asked me what was the biggest turning point in my life. I don’t have to think twice – March 21, 2004. What was so special about that day? It was the day I went from being a church goer to a Christ follower. It was the day I drew my line in the sand and chose to be a Christian.
The before and after in my life are so stark. Before Christ, I was bitter and broken, very much a person consumed with myself and thinking that I didn’t need anyone else. I was lonely and cut off from everyone, trying to be good enough to win my way in the world, full of pride and overwhelmingly obnoxious to be around. But something about experiencing the love of God in my life, feeling for the first time His overwhelming love for me, in spite of my failures and my fears, in spite of my selfishness and pride, something about experiencing that love in the deepest part of my soul changed me – it penetrated the depths of my soul and gave me hope for more. At that point in my life, I was good at walking away, but I knew I didn’t want to walk away from that. I realized how desperately I needed that love, how desperately I needed that forgiveness, how desperately I needed that hope.
I was scared to follow Christ. I didn’t know what He might ask of me, where He might call me to go, what He might want in return. I wasn’t so sure I could trust Him with my life, my desires, my plans for my life. But His love was bigger than my fears. If He loved me, His plans for me had to be good. This time, I wouldn’t walk away.
In the years since then, I’ve never regretted that decision. His love is even more real in my life today. I still get overwhelmed when I think about His love and provision in my life. Over the years, the bitterness and the pain that ate me up inside have been replaced by joy and peace and forgiveness. One of the great joys of my life now is community and friendships, and I can’t imagine choosing to go through life alone as I did before. God has changed me from the inside out and has truly given me abundant life and eternal life in Him. I think of the Brandon Heath song, "I'm not who I was," and I thank God that it's true in my life. His love changes everything; it changed me, forever.
Seven years… Happy anniversary, Lord!
The before and after in my life are so stark. Before Christ, I was bitter and broken, very much a person consumed with myself and thinking that I didn’t need anyone else. I was lonely and cut off from everyone, trying to be good enough to win my way in the world, full of pride and overwhelmingly obnoxious to be around. But something about experiencing the love of God in my life, feeling for the first time His overwhelming love for me, in spite of my failures and my fears, in spite of my selfishness and pride, something about experiencing that love in the deepest part of my soul changed me – it penetrated the depths of my soul and gave me hope for more. At that point in my life, I was good at walking away, but I knew I didn’t want to walk away from that. I realized how desperately I needed that love, how desperately I needed that forgiveness, how desperately I needed that hope.
I was scared to follow Christ. I didn’t know what He might ask of me, where He might call me to go, what He might want in return. I wasn’t so sure I could trust Him with my life, my desires, my plans for my life. But His love was bigger than my fears. If He loved me, His plans for me had to be good. This time, I wouldn’t walk away.
In the years since then, I’ve never regretted that decision. His love is even more real in my life today. I still get overwhelmed when I think about His love and provision in my life. Over the years, the bitterness and the pain that ate me up inside have been replaced by joy and peace and forgiveness. One of the great joys of my life now is community and friendships, and I can’t imagine choosing to go through life alone as I did before. God has changed me from the inside out and has truly given me abundant life and eternal life in Him. I think of the Brandon Heath song, "I'm not who I was," and I thank God that it's true in my life. His love changes everything; it changed me, forever.
Seven years… Happy anniversary, Lord!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Abundantly More... in Texas
I have been thinking about what to write to capture this move and this transition. Last week, I moved from Columbia, SC, where I have lived the last four years, to Waco, TX, about 1000 miles away from there to start a new chapter in my life.
I guess it would be easy to say I moved for work. I accepted a new position at Baylor University. It's true, that is the impetus, but really the reason goes deeper. I feel called to be here. I'm not sure why, but over the last several months, as I prayed, though, talked through this decision, I really have sensed God leading me here. I'm not sure what God has in store for me here. I do think part of it is the job. I have a passion for students and teaching and investing in the lives of young people. And I so want to be salt and light, to make a difference in their lives for Christ, to help them discover God's purpose and His plans for their lives.
But I also think I am here for me, that I need to be here. Last year, I started reading a book called "Holy Ambition" and it talked about wanting to do great things for God. It was an incredibly powerful and poignant book based on Nehemiah. And about four or five chapters in, I stonewalled. I couldn't do anything else with the book. It talked about building a strategic plan and connecting with other Christians who shared the same passions; it talked about being a contagious Christian and bringing others along with me. What I realized is that I really struggle with that. I have been fortunate to be blessed with so much Christian community, but when it comes down to it, I still have strong tendencies to be a solo-Christian, just me & God. I have strong convictions, but too often instead of sharing those, I live them out on my own. As I was preparing to leave Columbia, I realized how much I didn't bring others along with me - at work, at church, with community stuff; so much of the stuff that I did, I did alone, just me. Instead of involving others, I get so focused on what I am doing. God is showing me that's not what He wants. He wants US to be the church, to work together, to edify each other, to partner together for His kingdom.
I am excited about being at a Christian university, one that takes its Christian mission seriously. I am excited about discovering what it is like to connect with others who share the same passions and convictions. I am excited about finding a church here and seeking out those who have different gifts than me. I am excited to see what God has to teach me about serving, about humility, about being a part of His body and His team.
I have a feeling those will be some hard lessons for me. As I look back, though, on the Christian community that He has blessed me with, wonderful church family in place after place, I think of how sweet it is to be in that fellowship and that community. How much greater it will be to deepen those bonds and to be useful together with others in service to Christ and to the world.
I guess it would be easy to say I moved for work. I accepted a new position at Baylor University. It's true, that is the impetus, but really the reason goes deeper. I feel called to be here. I'm not sure why, but over the last several months, as I prayed, though, talked through this decision, I really have sensed God leading me here. I'm not sure what God has in store for me here. I do think part of it is the job. I have a passion for students and teaching and investing in the lives of young people. And I so want to be salt and light, to make a difference in their lives for Christ, to help them discover God's purpose and His plans for their lives.
But I also think I am here for me, that I need to be here. Last year, I started reading a book called "Holy Ambition" and it talked about wanting to do great things for God. It was an incredibly powerful and poignant book based on Nehemiah. And about four or five chapters in, I stonewalled. I couldn't do anything else with the book. It talked about building a strategic plan and connecting with other Christians who shared the same passions; it talked about being a contagious Christian and bringing others along with me. What I realized is that I really struggle with that. I have been fortunate to be blessed with so much Christian community, but when it comes down to it, I still have strong tendencies to be a solo-Christian, just me & God. I have strong convictions, but too often instead of sharing those, I live them out on my own. As I was preparing to leave Columbia, I realized how much I didn't bring others along with me - at work, at church, with community stuff; so much of the stuff that I did, I did alone, just me. Instead of involving others, I get so focused on what I am doing. God is showing me that's not what He wants. He wants US to be the church, to work together, to edify each other, to partner together for His kingdom.
I am excited about being at a Christian university, one that takes its Christian mission seriously. I am excited about discovering what it is like to connect with others who share the same passions and convictions. I am excited about finding a church here and seeking out those who have different gifts than me. I am excited to see what God has to teach me about serving, about humility, about being a part of His body and His team.
I have a feeling those will be some hard lessons for me. As I look back, though, on the Christian community that He has blessed me with, wonderful church family in place after place, I think of how sweet it is to be in that fellowship and that community. How much greater it will be to deepen those bonds and to be useful together with others in service to Christ and to the world.
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