Beyond the Barren Places

These last couple of months have been hard. Right as a celebrated a year here in Waco and at my job, I found out that my job is changing – a good position and good opportunities, I think and I hope. But instead of feeling more comfortable in my role, I find myself instead starting from scratch once again, navigating new relationships and dynamics, new responsibilities and challenges. And through the process I have found myself staring all my insecurities in the face again – feeling like I am not good enough, or smart enough, or polished enough. I have felt very beat up in that process, very drained, very lost. My teaching has suffered and my work has suffered as a result. I found myself going through the motions, but they were very unfruitful, very stale and stagnant, very unfulfilling.

The questions that I was almost afraid to ask loomed right beneath the surface. Why would God bring me all the way to Texas, far from family and friends, far from the ministries that He had given me? Why am I in this desert place? (Desert, figuratively speaking, Waco is not a desert.) Why do I feel so barren and unproductive when I am here to be useful, to serve, to minister, to grow? I’ve done much soul-searching and much praying over the last couple of months asking God and searching for those answers, trying to sense His purpose for me here and His purpose in my work.

And answers did not come easily or in expected forms. As I was struggling one day to make sense of it, I came across a friend’s status update on Facebook, requesting prayer for his 5 year old daughter with a serious & painful disease. I just stopped in my tracks, and read her story and cried for her. God was showing me a different perspective on my “hardship” in light of the very real pain and unimaginable suffering of a young girl and her family. I was deeply moved by compassion for her, deeply moved by her courage and her family’s faith, deeply moved by seeing God work in her life. Her name means mercy. As so many called out to God for mercy on her behalf, I could sense God writing an incredible story in her life, one that reveals Him as the God of all mercy, the healer, the redeemer.

That may seem random, but to me, it was a reminder and a message that I needed to hear – one that went straight to the desert place in my heart and reminded me of God’s love and His mercy, even in the midst of horrible pain and suffering as in her life, and in the hard, unpleasant times in mine. God is with us, even when we are weak, when we fail, when we just are not good enough. His grace is sufficient, His love is overflowing, and He is more than enough, abundantly more.

Last week, we started wrapping up the semester. On the one hand, I finished up my two courses and realized how much my teaching had suffered in this transition, how much I had felt lost and how much it showed in my courses. I felt I had let my students down and myself. On the other hand, though, I celebrated with students at our end of the year banquet and got to recognize them for their work, their leadership, their projects, their sense of calling and purpose. And in doing that, it reminded me of why I do what I do – I care. And I want to be a part of investing in students’ lives, of helping them to discover their purpose and calling, and helping them to overcome their own sense of inadequacies and failures. I got to see a student who was so talented and yet unsure of herself step into the president role of a student organization, passionate about making a difference. I got to recognize a student who is a gifted artist for using her talents and abilities to talk about important issues on campus. I had the opportunity to see students who have decided to serve, decided to step into the community and work alongside professionals to make a difference in dental care, in politics, in education, in so many different areas. It was energizing and exhilarating. I came back with new focus and energy in my work, new productivity and hope.

Yes, there are times that I am wholly inadequate, times when I fall flat on my face – figuratively and literally. But there are times when God completely uses those inadequacies to equip me for my work. I know what it is like to be ready to make your mark on the world, to want to do great things for God, and so caught up in fear and insecurity and doubt. I also know the value of someone coming alongside me, guiding me on that journey, and encouraging me as I continue to step forward. I want to be that for students. I want to encourage, develop, minister, teach, and guide them along their way.

Please pray for me as I move into this new position. In my new role, I will be overseeing the service programs on campus. I have the opportunity to work with students as they seek to serve in a variety of a different ways, and I will have the opportunity to shape the conversation on campus around service – focusing on how to love and how to minister, how to do service the right way with the right heart. I am excited that Baylor is making a new commitment to expand community engagement across campus and to build more meaningful and intentional relationships with the community. I think we have a unique opportunity to cultivate servant-leaders and to make a difference in our local community and around the world. The responsibilities and the tasks loom large, and in many ways I am inadequate. But He is enough, more than enough, and He equips us for the work He calls us to do. I am very thankful that I get to play a pivotal role in this office and these efforts, that I was recruited for this position and asked to take it on. I am even more thankful that God is with me every step of the way, past the insecurities and inadequacies and into the place of His mercy and grace.

Dancing to the Music

Some people are tone deaf; I am rhythm-deaf. I have an incredibly hard time feeling the music. I have always loved music, but it never comes naturally to me. I can read notes on a page but can’t seem to feel music the way others can. I think this is why I struggle so much with dancing. People say just listen to the music – I listen, but I am more apt to sing than I am to figure out how to move with it.

But last week, I was feeling extra adventurous and decided to go swing dancing with some friends. It was something very much out of my comfort zone, which is part of what attracted me to it. And since I knew I was with people I enjoy being around, I knew I would have fun even if this dancing thing didn’t turn out so well.

And so, I was introduced to the world of swing dancing. And it started off rough. After a very short beginner lesson, I was still nowhere near comfortable with the steps and pretty overwhelmed with the feeling of not being able to “get” it. There were several gracious guys that were patient enough to “lead” and help me figure it out, and then there were those I could tell I obviously frustrated by getting so out of sync. Ugh!

As the night went on though, I started thinking about this experience. I am ultra-independent. I prefer and need high levels of autonomy in just about everything I do. And dancing bucks that trend. I need a partner, and I need to follow my partner. I am used to taking the lead. It is very different to take my cues from someone else, to really listen as they communicate nonverbally with me and to learn to trust their moves.

I know I need more practice with those skills – when it comes to dancing and when it comes to life. Just like with music, it doesn’t come naturally for me to slow down and get in sync with others. I am a people-person. I thrive on relationships. But when it comes to projects and work, I prefer to leave others behind and do my own thing – not in a malicious or indifferent kind of way, but rather with a sense of getting things done in the most efficient way possible. Way too often, I find myself marching to my own drummer (and off-rhythm) instead of working to get in sync with those around me.

I learned the hard way that it is disastrous on the dance floor to get out of sync. One can go flying, or trip, or clash with your partner if you move in the wrong direction or miss a step. The success of the dance requires that both partners be in sync the whole time, reading each other’s cues and moving together with the music. There is something beautiful, though, about seeing two people move together when they “get” it, to sense the chemistry and synergy of the couple as they float effortlessly across the floor.

I sense there might be something beautiful about finding ways to work with others, of learning that trust, and not having to “lead” all the time. There might be something worthwhile about slowing down and picking up the cues of those around me that might help me avoid disaster and flops. I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of chemistry and synergy on and off the dance floor.

Hmmm… I sense I have only scratched the surface. I still have much to learn here. Maybe some more dance lessons are in order?

Seeking a Heart Like His – Through Failure

See 2 Samuel 11 & 12

Sometimes even when we get it right, we are only a few small steps away from falling. And so it was with David. Just a short time after all his patient waiting, after his wisdom and grace in handling the transition to power, he finds himself in a different place. This place was one of complacency, of power, of pride – one where the king who goes out to battle with his men decides instead to stay home. The king who kept his eyes on God now puts them on a beautiful woman. Lust sets in, and then adultery, and then murder. The spiral downward is astonishingly quick and the callousness in David’s heart shocking. How could this man after God’s own heart fall so quick and so hard?

I was at a student retreat with work this past weekend. We were talking about leadership and people that have been leaders in our lives that have let us down, that have suffered tremendous moral failures. The disappointment and hurt in the stories was palpable. There is no sugar coating, no excuses that make it okay, just raw pain and wrongdoing. It’s like a sucker punch that knocks us on our feet. Talk of forgiveness is difficult, the bitterness real, and the trust broken.

As I was thinking about how to respond to the stories these students were sharing, it took me back to the place of failure in my life, when I let God down and those around me. I remember the guilt and the shame, the lies and the pain. The disappointment that just hung in the air. Nothing I could do to change it, to reverse it, to make it better.

I reminded my students of that, that any of us can find ourselves there. There is no immunity from failure, no immunization that protects us. Temptation can find us and sin can all too easily entrap us. We are all sinners in need of a Savior and in need of grace and forgiveness. There is no time when we are more aware of that need than when we utterly fail.

The story of David’s fall is humbling in so many ways. It is scary to see the fall of a great and godly man. But the hopeful and reassuring part of the story is that it wasn’t the end of David’s story. It didn’t disqualify him from being a godly man. In spite of the sin, in spite of the loss and ugliness and horror of his actions, God still loved David. He confronted David and sought Him out, not letting David hide from his sin. And when David repented, He forgave and restored David. There were steep consequences that David would have to endure, but there were still incredible moments ahead for him. Some of the most beautiful prayers come after David’s sin with Bathsheba – prayers of restoration and forgiveness, prayers leading Israel in praise and preparation for the temple and for Solomon as king, prayers of both humility and wisdom.

Maybe part of what made David a man after God’s own heart was not that he never failed but rather even in the time of his worst failure, his heart remained tender and open to correction, aware of the need for his Shepherd.

Seeking a Heart Like His – Through Success

It’s finally David’s time. Saul is dead. Israel needs a new king – and David is uniquely prepared for the role. 15 chapters and many, many years have passed since Samuel anointed David, a young shepherd boy, to be the next king of Israel. David has patiently waited and trusted in God, through the running, through the hiding, through all the trials… and now it is finally his time.

I think there is no more dangerous time that when we finally feel it is our time. When we get the big job, when God entrusts us with great responsibility and great ministry, when things are suddenly coming together and it is good, all good. Success finally comes and it feels good after the hard work, after the waiting, after all the prep work, all the paying our dues – it is finally our time, time to step into God’s purpose for our lives, time to see the fruits of our labors, time to…. Time to get full of ourselves, to think we deserve it, that we made it happen; time to become arrogant and prideful, time to get caught up in the money, in the reputation, in the spotlight or recognition, time that we can easily forget about God and forget that He is the One that led us there.

Yet, David doesn’t respond that way. It is finally David’s time and he approaches it with wisdom, humility, and grace. He is told that Saul is dead. Instead of rejoicing that his archenemy was out of the way, he leads Judah in mourning for the king. He seeks God’s guidance about his next steps. Instead of demanding respect and forcing the kingship, he works to win the respect and trust of Israel – reaching out to the men of Jabesh-Gilead and making peace with Abner, one of Israel’s leaders (2 Samuel 3). His confidence remains in God and God brings him favor. “David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Israel grew weaker and weaker” (2 Samuel 3:1b). God paves the way for David to become king. In His time, the shepherd boy becomes the shepherd-king of Israel. The tender heart of David, the one who handled this transition with such wisdom, humility, and grace – that tender heart, I think, is part of what made David a man after God’s own heart.

I want to be a woman after His heart – that’s what this whole study has been about for me, seeking a heart like His. Sometimes though, I don’t handle success well. There have been times in my life when I have felt I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I feel myself starting to step into God’s purposes in my life, I see Him starting to use me. But then I get I get overly confident. I don’t wait on Him, and I take my eyes off of Him. I start to see my reflection in the mirror, instead of His, and stop to gaze and enjoy the view. Before I know it, I start sinking in the waves and falling on my face. Oh, to walk in that humility like David did, to keep my confidence on God alone, and to let Him be glorified, to see His reflection in my life and to let others see Him at work – then I will be able to handle success well and to have a heart like His.

True Love

I so wanted to believe your words
I so wanted to trust your love
But I guarded my heart. I couldn’t let you in.

And yet you whispered how much you care.
You sent me flowers and called to me through the rain
The storm rages yet you were calm in the midst of the pain
As I flirt with others and ignore you.

Others say those three words, but they fall as empty shells, a counterfeit truth
If they only knew me, they wouldn’t love me - they couldn’t, they wouldn’t.
Could you? Would you?
You who know me best and see me at my worst.

I am drawn to your whisper, to your care, to your presence
I am scared to trust yet scared to walk away
You never walk away. You always seem there.

I so want to believe you, to trust you, to love you.
I so want to be loved by you. I so want you to be true.
So I come to you. I lay my soul bare & open my heart
I hear you say, “I love you” and the fear departs.

I have so little to give – the hurts, the past, the scars so deep.
You wipe away my tears, though, and in your arms I finally sleep.
Your love is steady and true. It doesn’t change. Ever.
Your love is powerful and new. It changes me. Forever.

Eight years since, I have never been the same.
I give you my heart, my life, my being
Because you first gave me yours - and a life worth living.
I love you, Lord. Thank you for loving me.

In honor of the eight-year anniversary of my baptism, 3/21/2004, the day I let the love of Christ change my life forever.