Celebrating Love Stories & Engagements

Two of my close friends got engaged over the Thanksgiving holidays. It has been incredible to see the love story that God has written in their lives and in these two relationships. God is a creative and unique God, one that has an unlimited number of ways to bring two people together in Him. I celebrate with them, as both of these couples are seeking God together, and their love is such a celebration of His goodness and His faithfulness, of His abundant blessings and provision.

As I continue the Marriage Feast journey, these two relationships remind me of the goodness of God and the goodness of marriage, of marriage as He intended it to be - a covenant of love & faithfulness, of two hearts and lives coming together as one.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” – Mark 10: 7-9

“I will betroth you to me forever, I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord.” – Hosea 2:19-20

“‘…This kindness you have shown is greater than that which you showed earlier. You have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor. And now, [Ruth], don’t be afraid. I will do for you all that you ask. All my fellow townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character’….So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife.” – Ruth 3:10-11, 4:13

“…as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.” – Isaiah 62:5

Rejoicing & celebrating – that is the picture that God paints of marriage. And I am so happy I get to celebrate with good friends and partake of His goodness. During this season when it is easy to get caught up in holiday single blues, I’m thankful for reminders that God is in the business of writing love stories, wonderful love stories. He has written the greatest love story ever told, the story of a Beloved Redeemer and Savior. And He echoes that story every time He brings two people together in a holy union reflecting His love and faithfulness.

Congratulations, Kevin & Linda and Eva Marie & Moyo, on your engagement! May you feast on God's abundant love and faithfulness, and may God richly bless you as you prepare for your new life together in Him.

A Prayer for Husbands

This post is a continuation of my series of posts in the Marriage Feast. I have blocked out a couple of months to contemplate marriage from God's point of view, acknowledging some of my fears, seeking God's heart & design for marriage, and restoring what had become somewhat of a distorted view of marriage in my life.

Several weeks ago I shared A Prayer for Wives, a prayer I came across on K-Love Radio’s website. It appears it was inspired by the Sanctus Real song, Lead Me. Here is another prayer from this series, A Prayer for Husbands. These prayers provide a glimpse into what that Godly marriage can look like, one built on Christ, with a heart to love & serve each other.

A Prayer for Husbands

Christ Jesus, you have called me to love my wife tenderly and sacrificially, even as you love the church, but too often I know myself to be a selfish man with a distracted heart.

Please give me patience, gentleness, and kindness toward my wife, and the wisdom to value her for her gifts and ideas.

Teach me to be vulnerable with her, openly sharing my own heart and thoughts, hopes and fears, even as I seek to better understand her.

Remind me to be ever mindful of her interests and needs with each decision I make and to structure my life in such a way that she receives the best of my energy and attention, rather than the leftovers.

Give me courage to passionately pursue relationship with her even when I feel wronged or wounded.

Let me become for her a man of tenderness, kindness, creativity, and integrity, protecting and cherishing her by vigilantly guarding my own eyes and heart.

Above all, teach me to lead as you led, Jesus, in humility and service.

Only by your grace can I be a godly man and a good husband for my wife.

Lead me Lord, I pray.

Amen


Source: http://www.klove.com/blog/jd/post/2012/10/25/Prayer-for-Husbands.aspx
"Lead Me" by Sanctus Real Music Video

A Prayer for Wives

This post is a continuation of my series of posts in the Marriage Feast. I have blocked out a couple of months to comtemplate marriage from God's point of view, acknowledging some of my fears, seeking God's heart & design for marriage, and restoring what had become somewhat of a distorted view of marriage in my life.

What does a Godly marriage look like? Over the last month, I have looked at much brokenness in marriage, much that I don't want to do and attributes that I don't want to characterize my marriage, but I have not spent much time considering the attributes of the right kind of marriage.

I am fortunate that I grew up in a Christian family. I grew up watching my parents and my grandparents pray together. What an impression that made on me! And even though neither of their marriages were or are perfect, there is a strength that comes from that prayer, that comes from continuously acknowledging God as a partner in their marriage.

I came across the following prayer and several others that I will share in the coming days on K-Love Radio’s website. It appears they were inspired by the Sanctus Real song, Lead Me. These prayers provide a glimpse into what that Godly marriage can look like, one built on Christ, with a heart to love & serve each other.

A Wife’s Prayer

Heavenly Father, you have called me to honor and serve my husband in grace, humility and love, and yet I so often let worry, insecurity and fear overshadow that calling. Unburden my heart from worry and expectations. Teach me to relinquish control of my life and marriage to you, for only you are strong enough to carry and sustain it.

Lead me to a place of deep trust and intimacy with you, so that I would seek no emotional fulfillment elsewhere, but would bring to my relationship with my husband a rich overflow of confidence and strength, making of our home and marriage a peaceful, restful haven. Show me how best to love my husband, supporting and respecting him, praying for and trusting the work of your Spirit in his heart and life.

Give me the wisdom to value what is eternal, so that I might be truly content with my present circumstances, and not fretful or anxious over family decisions and finances.

Teach me to be beautiful as you define beauty. Let me be a creative and enjoyable friend and companion for my husband, gracious and kind, gently in disagreement and quick to forgive.

Only as you lead me will I become the woman and wife that my husband needs. So lead me, O Lord. Amen.

Source: http://www.klove.com/blog/jd/post/2012/03/07/PRAYER-FOR-WIVES.aspx

Next: A Husband's Prayer

For those of you who are married, how do you pray for each other? What role does God play in your marriage?

If you were writing a prayer for wives, what would your prayer include? I have thoughts & ideas not entirely captured here, maybe too personal to share here. What would that prayer look like for you?

"I Just Never Got Around To It"

“I just never got around to it.”

Haunting words. I was talking to a coworker today, and she was telling me about her & husband’s decision not to have children, or rather their non-decision. They always thought they would have children, maybe next year, or in a couple of years, but, then they just never got around to it. The next thing they knew they were in their forties and then it just seemed like opportunity had passed them by. It wasn’t a decision they consciously made through the years, but one they made year by year when it was just never the right time.

As I was talking with my coworker, she was talking about having children, but I was instantly relating it to getting married. For me, I have just felt it was never the right time or the right relationship, and I enjoy being single. Sometimes I am scared of rocking the boat or scared of what I’ll give up, scared of making bad choices or ending up in a bad marriage. So it becomes too easy to be so okay being single that I get complacent. I just never get around to pursuing a family, seeking out a life partner that God may have for me.

Will I wake up one day and say the opportunity just passed me by? Will I say, “I just never got around to it?” I don’t want that to be true of me.

These last few weeks on this journey have been new for me. It has been refreshing to speak some of my fears out loud, to acknowledge them on paper, and to remember and celebrate God’s goodness in marriage, in the good and the bad. This time of reflection & prayer has challenged me to want marriage more and to be more intentional about seeking out God’s will and direction.

Those words I just wrote – I can’t believe I just wrote them. That’s an uber-vulnerable admission for me. I’m scared of acknowledging that. I don’t want to become discontent being single. And I don’t know if marriage is in my future. And I want the right relationship and the right person. And I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to go through divorce. And I don’t want to settle. Ugh! So many wants and desires and fears all bottled up together….Basically, I want to learn to trust God with my heart – to trust Him in whatever relationship I am in. I want to be free to love as He loves and to let love cast out fear. I want to trust Him and His goodness and be open to whatever He has in store. If that’s marriage, I want it to be a godly marriage that is centered in Him. If that’s not marriage, I can be okay with that too. I just don’t want it to be because “I just never got around to it.”

For my married friends, how did you "get around to marriage?" Did you seek it out intentionally? Or did you just meet the right person?

What do you think it looks like to pursue marriage without being discontent in singleness? Is this possible?

For Better & For Worse - Moving Beyond the Worst

Over the last week, I have looked at some of the worst aspects of marriage, the brokenness and the hurt that is left in the aftermath of broken promises and abused trust. And I have only dealt with two topics – pornography and money. I haven’t even gotten to adultery and abuse, abandonment and apathy. I can introduce you to many more of my friends and their stories.

Like my friend Ellie, whose husband just decided one day that he didn’t want to be married anymore, or my friend Carol, whose husband left to “find himself.” Meet my friend Erika who found herself in an abusive relationship, characterized by fear instead of love. And meet my friend Andy whose wife constantly complains about him, or Steve who constantly complains about his wife. Meet my friend Leigh who has let years of bitterness and resentment build up between her and her husband, or my friend Danny who struggles to remember what he loves about his wife.

The truth is there are many evils that can take root in marriage, much bitterness, deep wrongs, and broken promises. Oh the promises – they sound so good on the wedding day…

I do solemnly take you to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.


…but oh, to live those promises out is much harder I’m afraid. To have a marriage where both spouses choose to love and to cherish each other, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of money or distractions, to commit to be with each other, to share life together as one for the rest of their lives – that is much harder. That’s a God-level commitment that we can’t make on our own.

We are flawed, imperfect people, and even when it is the last thing we want to do or intend to do, we inevitably let each other down. We fail. Sometimes we slip, and sometimes we utterly fall. But, praise God, He is a God of grace and a God who restores and redeems! He is a God who gives us strength and makes the impossible, possible in Him.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:31-32

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, and will bring you back from captivity.” – Jeremiah 29:11-14

As I ponder these promises from God’s word, I have hope, hope in spite of broken human promises, hope in the faithfulness of God, in the strength of God, in the sovereignty of God. Marriage is a promise before God, but it is ultimately a covenant with God.

“Unless the Lord builds the house, he who labors, labors in vain.” – Psalm 127:1

God, I am utterly incapable of loving as you loved. But as I seek you, may your love of me transform my life and this relationship. Enable me, us, to love each other as you have loved us, to be faithful and true, to be patient and kind, to act with integrity and intentionality, with gratitude and kindness. Let no bitterness or resentment set in, root out all apathy and complacency. Fill us with who you are and allow us to feast on your goodness in our marriage, day by day, from this day forward.

16 Things Not to Do In Marriage

I came across this article the other day, and it gave me a different way to think about all these horror stories of marriage. What is one to do when there is so much that can go wrong in a relationship? How can we make the right choices and be the right person?

The article was written by a single father who has been divorced twice. When his sister was getting married, he thought about what advice he could give her, given that his two marriages had failed. He thought about all the things that he had done wrong and what he would do differently if he could. His words reflect the wisdom and insight that is often learned in the school of hard knocks.

Some items on his not-to-do list:

• Don't stop holding her hand.
• Don't stop trying to be attractive.
• Don't yell out at her - out of anger or out of convenience.
• Don't skip out on things that are important to her.
• Don't always point out her weaknesses.

Read the full article here: 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage

All these things seem to boil down to love, to choose love over anger, to choose gratitude over taking someone for granted, to choose respect over laziness, and to love in action just as much as through words, to love as God has loved us - abundantly, extravagantly, and faithfully.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." - 1 John 4:16

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38-39

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy...each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must also respect her husband." - Ephesians 5:25,33

"If you have any encouragement from being united in Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." - Philippians 2:1-4

For all the hopelessness of past failures, pain, and heartbreak, there is hope in God alone. His love is faithful and true.

For Better & For Worse - Money & Financial Issues

Over the last several posts, I have been taking a harsh look at some of the haunting images of marriage that have disturbed me. As I seek to regain perspective on marriage as God intended for it to be - the marriage feast, the celebration of love & sacrifice, the metaphor for Christ and the church - I realized I needed to confront some of the brokenness I have witnessed in marriage and search for God's healing & His truth in the midst of that brokeness.

For Worse...
What does money have to do with marriage? Or the brokenness of marriage? Well, let me tell you some of the horror stories I have witnessed, or you can tune into Suze Orman anytime to hear more. She regularly features guests whose financial habits and decisions have jeopardized the trust and foundation of their relationships.

“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money” Matthew 6:24. Money is a primary competitor to God in our lives…and in marriage.

Meet my friend Sally, married for several years. Without her knowledge, her husband maxed out their joint credit cards, leaving them with a pile of unmanageable debt and unruly bill collectors. The broken trust was just as painful as the financial fallout, if not worse.

Meet my friend Scott, whose marriage plans fell apart when his partner felt like money equaled love and pursued more and more stuff at the expense of their relationship and their future.

Meet my friend Wes, whose wife took financial advantage of him, leaving him with nothing of his own except more brokenness.

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” – Psalm 127:1

I’m reminded of the story of Ananias and Sapphira – “Now a man named Ananias, together with his wife Sapphira, also sold a piece of property. With his wife’s full knowledge he kept back part of the money for himself, but brought the rest and put it at the apostles’ feet. Then Peter said, “Ananias… You have not lied just to human beings but to God.” (For the full story, read Acts 5: 1-11)

“People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people eager for money have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” – 1 Timothy 6:9-10

For better...
What does a God-honoring marriage look like? One that honors God more than money, not one that lets money become a dividing force; one that builds mutual trust and respect, not one that values the material over the relationship; one that acknowledges God as the source of provision, not the paycheck; one that works together & prays together over finances, not one that isolates and deceives.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

In what ways have you or your partner, married or single, chosen relationship over money? If finances have been a stumbling block for you, what helped you to recover? In what ways has God revealed Himself as Jehovah Jirah, the God who provides?

Additional resources:
Financial Peace University - Dave Ramsey
Crown Financial Ministries
Suze Orman

The stories shared in this series are all true from people that I have in some way shared life with through the years. These are reflections based only on what I observed, from the vantage point of friendship. I have changed all the names to protect their identity.

For Better & For Worse - Pornography & Sexual Sin

As I start this journey, I need first to acknowledge the brokenness of marriage. Marriage is for better or for worse, or probably more accurately for better and for worse. I have witnessed the joys of beautiful weddings and the hope of a new life together, the addition of children, and the richness of God’s apparent blessing. But I have also all too often witnessed pain & heartbreak, dashed hopes and families ripped apart. My hope is that by sharing some of these stories, both for better and for worse, that God will reveal anew His covenant and His plan for marriage, His healing and His redemption in the midst of our brokenness.

These stories are all true and they are people that I know personally, some closer than others. These, though, are not the stories of distant acquaintances, but the stories of people that I have in some way shared life with through the years. Of course, I don’t know all the details of every situation. These are reflections based on what I observed, from the vantage point of friendship. I have changed all the names to protect their identity.

For Worse...

Meet my friend Katie, married with beautiful children. Her husband, a leader in the church, is arrested for online sexual activity with a minor. The brokenness, the broken trust, the lies and the deception, the family ripped apart – and even worse, in a public way. How do you explain that to your children? Or yourself? I can’t imagine.

Meet my friend Jill. After her first year of marriage, she sensed her husband withdrawing. She later discovered her husband was addicted to pornography. She found herself competing with fantasies that could never disappoint and losing. Thankfully, Jill & her husband are still together, but it took years for him to claim victory over the addiction, for them to recover and heal, and to rebuild that broken trust.

Meet my friend Allen, married with a child. His wife thought even though she was married, it was okay to look. Unfortunately, she continued a little further down that road thinking she wasn’t hurting anyone and ended up having a long-term affair. Eventually, Allen discovered the lies & betrayal, devastating him and ripping the family apart.

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you.”
– Psalm 25:16-21

“[The Lord] heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
– Psalm 147:3

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
– Psalm 34:18

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen…for God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.”
- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” – Hebrews 13:4

“…[The Lord] has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.” - Isaiah 61:1

Please pray for all of these individuals and their families, and others that may be suffering the aftermaths of pornography or other sexual sin. Pray God will comfort them in the midst of the pain and brokenness. And pray that God will bring healing and peace in their lives.

For Better...
Meet my friend Nancy. Her husband is in the military, a hotbed for adulterous relationships and infidelity. Yet, their marriage has withstood numerous deployments, challenging times and job transitions. Intentionally seeking God each step along the way, and with the prayers & support of their church family, their marriage has seemed to grow only stronger with time, tested and refined by the fires, but not destroyed.

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” –1 Peter 1:6-7

For those who are married, how do you live a holy and honorable life in your marriage? How can we intentionally show honor to God through marriage?

Next: For Better and For Worse - Money

For Better & For Worse

Several people have asked me since I started this journey, if the marriage feast is the launch of some super-search for a spouse or a prayerful fast for a spouse. And the answer to both is no. In fact, if I was dating anyone right now or clearly headed in that direction, I am fairly certain I would not have the guts to do this. (I already feel uber-vulnerable taking this on, and especially sharing it publicly.)

Over the last couple of years, I have learned to trust God more with my dating life, and while not perfect by any means, I have been much more intentional and prayerful about the dating relationships I have been in. I’ve been fortunate to date some high quality godly men. Even in those good relationships, though, I had some kind of block toward marriage. I want to get married, at least I think I want to get married. But I am also really okay being single. God has blessed me with ministry opportunities and close community, with pieces of my life that would look very different if I was married. I value my singleness. And sometimes I have valued it more than the possibility of marriage. And here’s the part I need to be honest about, sometimes I have even devalued marriage, not because of what God intended for it to be, but because of the brokenness and the pain from marriages that all too often fail to live up to that ideal.

For me, this journey is not so much about whether or not I want to get married or will get married. I want to go through this journey to look at marriage again from God’s perspective, to see it as a celebration of His love and goodness , a picture of His redemption and grace, a glimpse of His glory, apart from the distorted view of brokenness and sin. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all…” This journey for me is about honoring marriage more, not valuing singleness less. (Read 1 Corinthians 7 for more on valuing both.) The last thing I want to do is feed discontentment in my life. I want God’s best for me, whether single or married. And I want to honor the institution of marriage and family that He created.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.” – Mark 10:7-9.

Sometimes that God-envisioned marriage is very different from the brokenness & pain of earthly marriages. We’re all broken, but how do we move beyond the brokenness we see, especially broken relationships and failed marriages? How do we allow Christ to heal our hearts & transform our lives? How do we view marriage again the way God sees it - through the lens of His restoration & redemptive work?

My plan for next week is to look at stories that have shaped my understanding of marriage, for better and for worse, to acknowledge some of the raw brokenness, but also to celebrate the radical good. I hope you’ll read along, whether single or married, and find hope and encouragement yourself.

As always, I welcome your thoughts and feedback along the way.

Additional Resources:
The Bachelor Pastor: Premarital reflections on singleness, purity, and ministry
For a great clip on valuing singleness in ministry and as a gift from God, check out this clip from Pastor Steve DeWitt from Bethel Church in Indianapolis. He is a 44 year old senior pastor, who recently married for the first time. This clip is his last sermon as a single pastor and offers his reflections on singleness, ministry, & purity.

From Dating Fast to Marriage Feast

Several years ago, I embarked on a dating fast, an intentional time away from dating to seek God’s will for my life in dating relationships, specifically seeking His healing and His direction. What does it mean to be a woman of integrity in dating? What I realized is that dating for me had become a distraction from God, from the ministry and the life I felt God was calling me to live. It was a 50 day journey and without a doubt one of the most meaningful times in my life spiritually, as I dove into scripture and sought God with a new level of earnestness.

Several weeks ago, I revisited the Dating Fast, looking back on that time in my life and remembering some of what God had taught me through that experience. After pondering the lessons learned and then thinking about where I currently am, I realized that in many ways I had internalized those truths for my life. I have for the most part been much more intentional about my dating choices and had made much wiser decisions when it came to being a woman of integrity.

I also realized, though, that I had internalized the message that dating is a distraction from God’s purpose for my life. In my resolve to keep my eyes on God, I took that to mean that there is something less spiritual about dating and that dating need not be a priority in my life. And in some respects, I took that a step further to marriage. While I want to get married in theory, sometimes I assume a super-spiritual posture of being single-minded instead of the super-vulnerable posture of being single. Sometimes I have viewed marriage more as a distraction from ministry, from God’s purpose & calling into my life, instead of a wonderful blessing from God and a primary calling in and of itself. I am a self-confessed commitment-phobe, and I confess that sometimes instead of viewing marriage as a wonderful blessing, I think more of the dangers, the horror stories, a view of marriage distorted by pain, brokenness, and all too often divorce.

However, over the last year, God has challenged that view in my life. I have been so fortunate to witness so many incredible love stories written by a God who calls us into relationship with Him and with each other. I have seen firsthand the love that weathers the storm, the love that redeems the past, the love that matures in marriage to a blessing & an intimacy that is one of God’s richest blessings. And while still imperfect and flawed, I have also seen the strength of a three-strand cord (Ecclesiastes 4:11-12) and the power, value, and blessing of a marriage centered in Christ. I also have been reminded that marriage is the metaphor that Christ uses for His relationship with the church and the depiction of the marriage feast that awaits us in Christ. The marriage feast - a celebration of unity and community, a fulfillment of anticipation & desire, the beginning of a new life together eternally with Him. I confess that has not been the way I have pictured marriage. I want to ponder that, to let that truth meditate in my heart, to let God reveal Himself to me as the God of the marriage feast, the God that yearns for us to be reconciled with Him, the God who yearns to pour out His blessings, that prepares the table of grace for us, and that makes it possible for us to be united with Him. I want to ponder what that means for marriage here and now, what it means for my life and my ministry, my heart & my desires.

So, I want to set out on this journey, to once again seek God’s will in my life, for my dating relationships and for marriage - eleven weeks, today, my birthday, until the end of the year. I will likely revisit some of the themes of the past, some of the lessons learned. But I also want to dive into new scriptures. I want to look intentionally at God’s will and His plan for marriage. I want to challenge myself to not view dating as necessarily a distraction. It certainly can be a distraction. But I want to look at how it can be not a distraction but rather how it can be a tool that God uses to show us the way, to lead us into deeper relationship with Him and a deeper understanding of His love for us.

Here are some starting scriptures I plan to peruse:

The marriage feast

• Christ & the church - Revelation 19-22
• Joy & desire - Isaiah 62:5 & 54:5

Purpose of marriage

• Leave father & mother - Genesis 2:24
• Becoming One - Mark 10:1-11
• Two are better than one - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Blessing the search

• Isaac & Rebekah - Genesis 24
• Provider & redeemer - Ruth

Characteristics of a godly wife

• Noble Character - Proverbs 31
• Gentle Spirit - 1 Peter 3
• Respect & submission - Ephesians 5, Genesis 3:16

Characteristics of a bad wife

• Complaining - Proverbs 21:9
• Looking back - Genesis 19:16-29
• Leading away from God - Job 2:9-10

Characteristics of a godly husband

• Faithfulness - Hosea
• Passionate Love - Song of Songs
• Tender Love - Ephesians 5
• Spiritual Leadership - 1 Timothy 3:12

Waiting for the bridegroom

• Preparation - Matthew 25:1-13

I welcome your prayers on this journey, and your participation, if you are so inclined. I hope to share the journey with you, so feel free to follow along on my blog or to have conversations with me over coffee, Skype, or phone. I would love your feedback, insight, and encouragement.

Thank you for sharing life with me!

In Christ,
~Erin

The Puzzles & the Friend

I had this dream last night. I was on the floor and spread out before me were puzzles – 100 piece puzzles, many of them, the pieces all mixed together. If you have ever worked these kinds of puzzles, you know they are relatively easy to work; they just take time. Even with the pieces mixed together, it’s relatively easy to figure out which piece belongs to which puzzle and how the pieces fit together. A friend was there in the floor with me, helping me to put together the pieces. We were rushing to get them done. The task before us was urgent. The work had to get done, but we had it under control. We were making significant progress.

Then, I turned around and noticed unbeknownst to me, on this other side of the floor were more puzzles, this time 1000 piece puzzles. If you have ever worked these puzzles, you know they present a much greater challenge. It is no longer obvious what the bigger picture is or how the pieces fit together. Now, it is work to seek out the right pieces and to make progress. We didn’t get extra time. In fact, we didn’t know how much time we had. We just knew they had to get done. The task was the same –but the progress was much slower, the challenge was much greater. The challenge seemed impossible to me. I was overwhelmed. I’m going to need more time. The rules changed. No answer came. But my friend urged me on, urged us on, as we set to work all the puzzles, as we set out to confront the new challenge. It was slow, but piece by piece we started making progress. It was slow and frustrating, but as we continued to work, the bigger picture started to emerge. I realized my friend was right. We could do this, we were doing this. And so we kept pressing on, working faithfully at the tasks before us.

Have you ever had one of those game-changing moments? Have you ever felt you had it under control, doing the work, going about your business, with purpose and intentionality, and yes, even with confidence – knowing that you were fully ready for the task at hand, that you knew what had to be done and was working to accomplish it? Then, as you are working on it, as you are getting it done, suddenly the rules change, without your knowledge or consent. The challenge that seemed so manageable becomes harder, your confidence is shot, and it seems overwhelming. Have you ever felt that?

I have. That has been my reality for the last few months, as I have transitioned to a new position, full with new challenges and with different pieces that I don’t know how they fit together. It has been overwhelming at times. It has also been exciting at times, to catch glimpses of the bigger picture. The truth is I am good at working 100 piece puzzles. There are certain tasks that I have mastered and have under control. I know how to get things done. But now, I also have 1000 piece puzzles – ones that I haven’t mastered and struggle to make work, ones that I don’t know what they are supposed to look like or what the end result is going to be.

BUT my friend does. My friend has seen the box lids. My friend was there when the design was created. My friend is there guiding me, showing me how some pieces connect, correcting my missteps along the way – you know, the times you so much want a piece to fit only to try to force it or convince yourself it is the right fit. My friend knows when it is the wrong piece. He knows the right pieces. He holds them in His hands, waiting for me to take them from Him. He urges me on, encourages me to keep working, to be faithful with the task at hand.

The prayer of Jabez (1 Chronicles 4:10) is popular in Christian circles. It becomes in some sense a call for greater responsibility and greater blessings in our lives. In this prayer, “Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.’ And God granted his request” (NIV, 1984). Sometimes, though, when God enlarges our territory, it can feel like being moved from a working a 100 piece puzzle to a 1000 piece puzzle. Even the answer to our prayer, more responsibility, better opportunities, can seem overwhelming. But God’s hand is with us. In my dream, my friend was with me. I wasn’t left alone. I am not left alone. You are not left alone. God is with us. When He calls, He equips. He “equip[s] us with everything good for doing His will and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him through Jesus Christ...” (Hebrews 13:21)

Here are some promises that have encouraged me in the challenges that lie ahead:

• In times of preparation – “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:13-14)
• In times of weakness & failure – “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
• In times of discouragement – “And the God of all grace who has called you into eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)
• In times of correction – “All Scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17)
• In times of doubt – “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
• In times of lonliness – “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20).

I’m working the puzzle. I don’t know how all the pieces fit together. But my friend is with me. I plan to be faithful, even when it seems daunting. I plan to trust Him and take the pieces from His hand. He knows what is best. And I’m excited to see the pictures start to emerge, to see the masterpieces He has created.

Tuning In

While I have been reading Katie’s story, Kisses from Katie, I have also been reading The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer. Although vastly different, the books are strangely complementary to each other. The latter one, more a theological look at what it means to pursue God, and the other, a tangible testimony of a young woman doing just that in Uganda.

One of Tozer’s points is that God wants to reveal Himself to us. He wants us to seek after Him and to walk with Him in intimate relationship. Although we may not always be manifestly aware of His presence, He is always there with us. As Christians, we must develop and cultivate our spiritual receptors and awareness. In other words, we must tune in to God. He writes, “Let any man [or woman] turn to God in earnest, let him begin to exercise himself unto godliness, let him seek to develop his powers of spiritual receptivity by trust and obedience and humility, and the results will exceed anything he may have hoped in his leaner and weaker days” (41).

I think about Katie, and I see a young woman doing that, stepping out in trust and obedience, humbling serving the children in Uganda. I see her sincere desire to help and to leave the world she knew behind to choose God. I question her methods at times, just because I know my own pride and my own shortcomings and how easy it is for me to get off track. But what I find refreshing and reassuring is that we don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to have all the right answers or do all the right things. We need to seek God and trust Him, stepping out, even imperfectly, with obedience and trusting that He will honor that. And even more, He will use it to teach us and to grow us. He’ll reveal Himself in fresh ways as we tune in to His voice, as we cultivate those gifts of receptivity, as we become more and more aware of His presence on a daily basis.

Katie suggests in the book that it is easier for her to do that in Uganda, in a place free from much of the materialism and distractions of the States. It’s easier for her to trust in God when He is the clear source of daily provision and protection, the One who so clearly holds life & death in His hands. Is God the same in Uganda as here? Absolutely. But there, free from some of the distractions and “white noise”, she can perhaps see Him and hear Him with more clarity.

I had a similar experience when I went to Nicaragua. Something about being in a different culture and stepping outside my own comfort zone, I was more aware of His presence. I was more “tuned in” to what He had to show me. I’ve also sensed Him here, as I visit El Camino, a bilingual church plant serving the Hispanic community, or even at my own church in Sunday school or during quality prayer time. God is always nearby. He is here. He craves that intimacy and fellowship. As we seek Him, we tune into His presence, we “come to know Him more intimately and with deeper understanding, that the barriers of thought and feeling between the two are disappearing, and that father and [child] are becoming more closely united in mind and heart” (38). To me, that’s a beautiful picture of walking with God and seeking Him.

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been caught up some “white noise,” feeling disconnected and even frustrated at times. I’ve been futilely going through the motions and yet craving that fresh revelation. Over the last couple of weeks, though, I have found myself earnestly seeking Him, stepping out in some small ways, but trusting Him anew. And each step I take, I become more and more aware of His presence. I find myself more and more drawn to Him in prayer and Bible study, more in tune with His heart and His will for my life. It’s a process. I love that Tozer points that out. This isn’t a once and done event, rather it is the journey of walking with God over time, of developing that trust and cultivating that intimacy, of learning from our mistakes and our missteps, of returning and renewing that faith, of stepping out once again in obedience.

I would love to hear your thoughts. How have you experienced God’s manifest presence? What is some of the “white noise” that keeps you from tuning in to Him? And what are some of your success stories, blocking out the noise to tune in and experience God in fresh and exciting ways?

Tozer, A.W. (reprinted 2009). The Pursuit of God. W_L_C. pp 36-41.

Choosing God, Recklessly

I was a little harsh on Katie, from Kisses on Katie, in my post the other day, perhaps a little unmerited. I don’t mean to disparage her efforts or what God is doing in her life and the lives of the children. How much better our world would be if each of us would take the call to get involved and love our neighbors in such real and practical ways!

I do like her, and as I mentioned, she reminds me somewhat of myself. I still have a lot of maturing to do when it comes to walking alongside others and not trying to do it all myself. And I certainly didn’t have those answers at 19.

What I am learning from her story is the beauty of a reckless abandon to God’s call, a willingness to not just step outside her comfort zone, but to give up one way of life to wholeheartedly pursue another. I appreciate that. I have moved several times. Even when I have found myself in unfamiliar places or new cities, it has still been relatively easy to integrate my life into my new surroundings. I don’t have to rethink who I am or what I am doing. I have ways to connect, to interact, to live my life, albeit with some adjustments, but still live my life the way I have always known it.

How different it must be to pick up and leave everything to live a completely different life, to go from the relative abundance of middle class life in America to a poverty-stricken area in Uganda, to be in a place where running water is a luxury and starvation is too much of a reality. How do you adjust to a life like that?

In the book, which I recommend if you haven’t read it, Katie talks about the poverty there and the healthcare needs. She also talks about returning to the States and what that adjustment was like, the juxtaposition of her two worlds and the internal struggle that resulted from that reality, how hard it was for her to reconcile the materialism of America and the need in Uganda. What she realized is that she had to choose where she belonged. She couldn’t keep a foot in each place; she couldn’t make both places her home.

I think God often places us in places where we have to choose. Katie references Matthew 6:24 – “No one can serve two masters. He will hate the one and love the other or love the one and hate the other.” I think, too, of when God tested Abraham – forced him to choose God or his son (Genesis 22). Abraham chose to obey God. Katie chose to obey God and return permanently to Uganda. Do I choose God? Would I choose God if He called me to give up everything I had or to go across the world? Would I choose God over a spouse, a job, family? Would I choose God if, like Job, I lost everything (Job 1-2)?

What do you think? Do you think God calls us to give up “good things” for Him? Is this reckless abandon to God or just reckless? How do you make sense of God calling some to give it all up and others seemingly called to live a content and comfortable life?

Lone Ranger Syndrome

As part of a discussion group at my church, I started reading the book Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis. It is Katie’s story of moving to Uganda after high school and ministering to the children there and adopting 14 of them herself. It is an incredible story of courage and ministry, meeting very real physical needs and loving these children with an extraordinary love. It is an amazing story of what God is doing in and through her.

As I was reading it, though, it really struck me that there is no talk (so far) of her working with a local church or another agency. She is there pretty much on her own. Parts of it sound like another “lone ranger” story or the “white savior” complex, as it is often referred to in foreign aid circles, a passionate and caring individual coming in and trying to save the world herself versus building long-term sustainable partnerships and collaborative efforts that can address multifaceted needs and complex issues.

I like Katie, though, probably because I see a lot of me in her. I realize how many times I let my passion and concern, my desire to jump in and do things, my sense of calling drive me to minister, to love, to hopefully make a difference in the world around me. And I don’t want to lose that. So many times, though, I do that without concern for those around me. I find myself wanting to do my own thing, wanting to make a name for myself, wanting to earn the respect of others, wanting to do good and noble things, but wanting to do them myself. Even when I talk about my calling, I can sometimes sounds as if I have an exclusive call from God or that I am the only one on God’s side. Cocky, isn’t it?

But I am learning how important it is to bring others along with me, to partner with others who are called to similar work, to realize I can’t do it all myself, I don’t need to, and that I can’t bear that burden alone. I am not the only one on God’s side, and if I’m not careful I can even end up on the wrong side, fighting Him instead of serving Him. I find myself cut off from those around me thinking I know what is best, what needs to be done, what is right and choose not to listen to dissenting voices. The work suffers, the impact is diminished, and the pride takes it tolls when I am a lone ranger working isolated and alone.

The work benefits, though, and the impact increases dramatically when I am a part of something greater than myself, when I am a part of a team, part of the a body united with a common purpose and effort. I can lay my pride down knowing it is no longer about me but about Him. And I am one among many who is useful to Him. I hear Him saying to me, “I didn’t create you to be a lone ranger” (Thank you, God, I don’t look good in masks.) “You need others on your team and they need you. Work with them to do the work that I have called all of you to do.”

I read the story of Elijah, an Old Testament prophet who struggled with this same thing (See 1 Kings 19). I’m so encouraged that God responds to Elijah’s pride and pity party with a fresh revelation of who He is, a new awareness of fellow servants, and a new partner in ministry. God doesn’t leave us alone. Even the Lone Rangerhad Tonto, and God is faithful to provide the partners we need in ministry and in life.

Beyond the Barren Places

These last couple of months have been hard. Right as a celebrated a year here in Waco and at my job, I found out that my job is changing – a good position and good opportunities, I think and I hope. But instead of feeling more comfortable in my role, I find myself instead starting from scratch once again, navigating new relationships and dynamics, new responsibilities and challenges. And through the process I have found myself staring all my insecurities in the face again – feeling like I am not good enough, or smart enough, or polished enough. I have felt very beat up in that process, very drained, very lost. My teaching has suffered and my work has suffered as a result. I found myself going through the motions, but they were very unfruitful, very stale and stagnant, very unfulfilling.

The questions that I was almost afraid to ask loomed right beneath the surface. Why would God bring me all the way to Texas, far from family and friends, far from the ministries that He had given me? Why am I in this desert place? (Desert, figuratively speaking, Waco is not a desert.) Why do I feel so barren and unproductive when I am here to be useful, to serve, to minister, to grow? I’ve done much soul-searching and much praying over the last couple of months asking God and searching for those answers, trying to sense His purpose for me here and His purpose in my work.

And answers did not come easily or in expected forms. As I was struggling one day to make sense of it, I came across a friend’s status update on Facebook, requesting prayer for his 5 year old daughter with a serious & painful disease. I just stopped in my tracks, and read her story and cried for her. God was showing me a different perspective on my “hardship” in light of the very real pain and unimaginable suffering of a young girl and her family. I was deeply moved by compassion for her, deeply moved by her courage and her family’s faith, deeply moved by seeing God work in her life. Her name means mercy. As so many called out to God for mercy on her behalf, I could sense God writing an incredible story in her life, one that reveals Him as the God of all mercy, the healer, the redeemer.

That may seem random, but to me, it was a reminder and a message that I needed to hear – one that went straight to the desert place in my heart and reminded me of God’s love and His mercy, even in the midst of horrible pain and suffering as in her life, and in the hard, unpleasant times in mine. God is with us, even when we are weak, when we fail, when we just are not good enough. His grace is sufficient, His love is overflowing, and He is more than enough, abundantly more.

Last week, we started wrapping up the semester. On the one hand, I finished up my two courses and realized how much my teaching had suffered in this transition, how much I had felt lost and how much it showed in my courses. I felt I had let my students down and myself. On the other hand, though, I celebrated with students at our end of the year banquet and got to recognize them for their work, their leadership, their projects, their sense of calling and purpose. And in doing that, it reminded me of why I do what I do – I care. And I want to be a part of investing in students’ lives, of helping them to discover their purpose and calling, and helping them to overcome their own sense of inadequacies and failures. I got to see a student who was so talented and yet unsure of herself step into the president role of a student organization, passionate about making a difference. I got to recognize a student who is a gifted artist for using her talents and abilities to talk about important issues on campus. I had the opportunity to see students who have decided to serve, decided to step into the community and work alongside professionals to make a difference in dental care, in politics, in education, in so many different areas. It was energizing and exhilarating. I came back with new focus and energy in my work, new productivity and hope.

Yes, there are times that I am wholly inadequate, times when I fall flat on my face – figuratively and literally. But there are times when God completely uses those inadequacies to equip me for my work. I know what it is like to be ready to make your mark on the world, to want to do great things for God, and so caught up in fear and insecurity and doubt. I also know the value of someone coming alongside me, guiding me on that journey, and encouraging me as I continue to step forward. I want to be that for students. I want to encourage, develop, minister, teach, and guide them along their way.

Please pray for me as I move into this new position. In my new role, I will be overseeing the service programs on campus. I have the opportunity to work with students as they seek to serve in a variety of a different ways, and I will have the opportunity to shape the conversation on campus around service – focusing on how to love and how to minister, how to do service the right way with the right heart. I am excited that Baylor is making a new commitment to expand community engagement across campus and to build more meaningful and intentional relationships with the community. I think we have a unique opportunity to cultivate servant-leaders and to make a difference in our local community and around the world. The responsibilities and the tasks loom large, and in many ways I am inadequate. But He is enough, more than enough, and He equips us for the work He calls us to do. I am very thankful that I get to play a pivotal role in this office and these efforts, that I was recruited for this position and asked to take it on. I am even more thankful that God is with me every step of the way, past the insecurities and inadequacies and into the place of His mercy and grace.

Dancing to the Music

Some people are tone deaf; I am rhythm-deaf. I have an incredibly hard time feeling the music. I have always loved music, but it never comes naturally to me. I can read notes on a page but can’t seem to feel music the way others can. I think this is why I struggle so much with dancing. People say just listen to the music – I listen, but I am more apt to sing than I am to figure out how to move with it.

But last week, I was feeling extra adventurous and decided to go swing dancing with some friends. It was something very much out of my comfort zone, which is part of what attracted me to it. And since I knew I was with people I enjoy being around, I knew I would have fun even if this dancing thing didn’t turn out so well.

And so, I was introduced to the world of swing dancing. And it started off rough. After a very short beginner lesson, I was still nowhere near comfortable with the steps and pretty overwhelmed with the feeling of not being able to “get” it. There were several gracious guys that were patient enough to “lead” and help me figure it out, and then there were those I could tell I obviously frustrated by getting so out of sync. Ugh!

As the night went on though, I started thinking about this experience. I am ultra-independent. I prefer and need high levels of autonomy in just about everything I do. And dancing bucks that trend. I need a partner, and I need to follow my partner. I am used to taking the lead. It is very different to take my cues from someone else, to really listen as they communicate nonverbally with me and to learn to trust their moves.

I know I need more practice with those skills – when it comes to dancing and when it comes to life. Just like with music, it doesn’t come naturally for me to slow down and get in sync with others. I am a people-person. I thrive on relationships. But when it comes to projects and work, I prefer to leave others behind and do my own thing – not in a malicious or indifferent kind of way, but rather with a sense of getting things done in the most efficient way possible. Way too often, I find myself marching to my own drummer (and off-rhythm) instead of working to get in sync with those around me.

I learned the hard way that it is disastrous on the dance floor to get out of sync. One can go flying, or trip, or clash with your partner if you move in the wrong direction or miss a step. The success of the dance requires that both partners be in sync the whole time, reading each other’s cues and moving together with the music. There is something beautiful, though, about seeing two people move together when they “get” it, to sense the chemistry and synergy of the couple as they float effortlessly across the floor.

I sense there might be something beautiful about finding ways to work with others, of learning that trust, and not having to “lead” all the time. There might be something worthwhile about slowing down and picking up the cues of those around me that might help me avoid disaster and flops. I wonder what it would be like to have that kind of chemistry and synergy on and off the dance floor.

Hmmm… I sense I have only scratched the surface. I still have much to learn here. Maybe some more dance lessons are in order?

Seeking a Heart Like His – Through Failure

See 2 Samuel 11 & 12

Sometimes even when we get it right, we are only a few small steps away from falling. And so it was with David. Just a short time after all his patient waiting, after his wisdom and grace in handling the transition to power, he finds himself in a different place. This place was one of complacency, of power, of pride – one where the king who goes out to battle with his men decides instead to stay home. The king who kept his eyes on God now puts them on a beautiful woman. Lust sets in, and then adultery, and then murder. The spiral downward is astonishingly quick and the callousness in David’s heart shocking. How could this man after God’s own heart fall so quick and so hard?

I was at a student retreat with work this past weekend. We were talking about leadership and people that have been leaders in our lives that have let us down, that have suffered tremendous moral failures. The disappointment and hurt in the stories was palpable. There is no sugar coating, no excuses that make it okay, just raw pain and wrongdoing. It’s like a sucker punch that knocks us on our feet. Talk of forgiveness is difficult, the bitterness real, and the trust broken.

As I was thinking about how to respond to the stories these students were sharing, it took me back to the place of failure in my life, when I let God down and those around me. I remember the guilt and the shame, the lies and the pain. The disappointment that just hung in the air. Nothing I could do to change it, to reverse it, to make it better.

I reminded my students of that, that any of us can find ourselves there. There is no immunity from failure, no immunization that protects us. Temptation can find us and sin can all too easily entrap us. We are all sinners in need of a Savior and in need of grace and forgiveness. There is no time when we are more aware of that need than when we utterly fail.

The story of David’s fall is humbling in so many ways. It is scary to see the fall of a great and godly man. But the hopeful and reassuring part of the story is that it wasn’t the end of David’s story. It didn’t disqualify him from being a godly man. In spite of the sin, in spite of the loss and ugliness and horror of his actions, God still loved David. He confronted David and sought Him out, not letting David hide from his sin. And when David repented, He forgave and restored David. There were steep consequences that David would have to endure, but there were still incredible moments ahead for him. Some of the most beautiful prayers come after David’s sin with Bathsheba – prayers of restoration and forgiveness, prayers leading Israel in praise and preparation for the temple and for Solomon as king, prayers of both humility and wisdom.

Maybe part of what made David a man after God’s own heart was not that he never failed but rather even in the time of his worst failure, his heart remained tender and open to correction, aware of the need for his Shepherd.

Seeking a Heart Like His – Through Success

It’s finally David’s time. Saul is dead. Israel needs a new king – and David is uniquely prepared for the role. 15 chapters and many, many years have passed since Samuel anointed David, a young shepherd boy, to be the next king of Israel. David has patiently waited and trusted in God, through the running, through the hiding, through all the trials… and now it is finally his time.

I think there is no more dangerous time that when we finally feel it is our time. When we get the big job, when God entrusts us with great responsibility and great ministry, when things are suddenly coming together and it is good, all good. Success finally comes and it feels good after the hard work, after the waiting, after all the prep work, all the paying our dues – it is finally our time, time to step into God’s purpose for our lives, time to see the fruits of our labors, time to…. Time to get full of ourselves, to think we deserve it, that we made it happen; time to become arrogant and prideful, time to get caught up in the money, in the reputation, in the spotlight or recognition, time that we can easily forget about God and forget that He is the One that led us there.

Yet, David doesn’t respond that way. It is finally David’s time and he approaches it with wisdom, humility, and grace. He is told that Saul is dead. Instead of rejoicing that his archenemy was out of the way, he leads Judah in mourning for the king. He seeks God’s guidance about his next steps. Instead of demanding respect and forcing the kingship, he works to win the respect and trust of Israel – reaching out to the men of Jabesh-Gilead and making peace with Abner, one of Israel’s leaders (2 Samuel 3). His confidence remains in God and God brings him favor. “David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Israel grew weaker and weaker” (2 Samuel 3:1b). God paves the way for David to become king. In His time, the shepherd boy becomes the shepherd-king of Israel. The tender heart of David, the one who handled this transition with such wisdom, humility, and grace – that tender heart, I think, is part of what made David a man after God’s own heart.

I want to be a woman after His heart – that’s what this whole study has been about for me, seeking a heart like His. Sometimes though, I don’t handle success well. There have been times in my life when I have felt I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I feel myself starting to step into God’s purposes in my life, I see Him starting to use me. But then I get I get overly confident. I don’t wait on Him, and I take my eyes off of Him. I start to see my reflection in the mirror, instead of His, and stop to gaze and enjoy the view. Before I know it, I start sinking in the waves and falling on my face. Oh, to walk in that humility like David did, to keep my confidence on God alone, and to let Him be glorified, to see His reflection in my life and to let others see Him at work – then I will be able to handle success well and to have a heart like His.

True Love

I so wanted to believe your words
I so wanted to trust your love
But I guarded my heart. I couldn’t let you in.

And yet you whispered how much you care.
You sent me flowers and called to me through the rain
The storm rages yet you were calm in the midst of the pain
As I flirt with others and ignore you.

Others say those three words, but they fall as empty shells, a counterfeit truth
If they only knew me, they wouldn’t love me - they couldn’t, they wouldn’t.
Could you? Would you?
You who know me best and see me at my worst.

I am drawn to your whisper, to your care, to your presence
I am scared to trust yet scared to walk away
You never walk away. You always seem there.

I so want to believe you, to trust you, to love you.
I so want to be loved by you. I so want you to be true.
So I come to you. I lay my soul bare & open my heart
I hear you say, “I love you” and the fear departs.

I have so little to give – the hurts, the past, the scars so deep.
You wipe away my tears, though, and in your arms I finally sleep.
Your love is steady and true. It doesn’t change. Ever.
Your love is powerful and new. It changes me. Forever.

Eight years since, I have never been the same.
I give you my heart, my life, my being
Because you first gave me yours - and a life worth living.
I love you, Lord. Thank you for loving me.

In honor of the eight-year anniversary of my baptism, 3/21/2004, the day I let the love of Christ change my life forever.

The Bittersweet Truth

Warning – For those of you with a sweet tooth, this post may cause unintended harm. It may interfere with your ability to derive pleasure from some of your favorite foods and may limit your desired consumption levels of sweets. Read at your own risk but for your own benefit!

A couple of months ago, I signed up for a wellness program at work called Naturally Slim. I started it because I wanted to eat better and get rid of some bad habits – like skipping meals in lieu of raiding the candy dish at work constantly. One of the first challenges the program laid out was to avoid sweets and limit sugar for three weeks. I thought I had signed up for the wrong program! I love my cookies and brownies and candy, my sweet tea and Dr Pepper. I’ve never even considered giving those up. Those are some of my favorite foods. However, since it was just a temporary request – three weeks – I decided to give it a try. Then I was sure I would go right back to my old habits.

Little did I know that this journey would become something else entirely and that I wouldn’t want to go back to my old habits.
Week one, every meeting I go to, there are sweets available, and they are calling my name. Cookies, brownies, sodas, you name it. I am so tempted. I am craving them, but I resist. I have to see this experiment through.

Week two, I survived the initial withdrawal and start to be okay without them. I sense that I have more energy and the cravings are not nearly as intense. I can do this… but again, why would anyone want to do this long-term?

Week three, I completely have this under control, so now I can cheat and have a cookie, right? LOL Well, I do cheat and have a cookie, but I am shocked that it doesn’t taste good to me. It wasn’t even worth cheating for. What?! So, of course, I have to experiment again, so I have a Dr Pepper, one of my favorite drinks – it wasn’t good either. What?! My tastes are really changing. I’m completely surprised at how quickly I lost a taste for some of my favorite sweets.

Week four, I go to the dentist and I get the best report ever. My hygienist is completely surprised at how good my teeth look – I’ve never had that happen before. Then I see a report on the news that sugar causes the mouth to release acid which in turn leads to tooth decay. Now I knew that sugar leads to tooth decay, but I didn’t know the acid immediately starts eating at your teeth as soon as you eat sugar. I always thought it was more of a long-term effect. Could my good dentist report be in part because I have reduced my sugar intake? Coincidence or not – I’ll take it.

Week five, I go to the store and fit into a size 6 dress – the first time that has happened in years! (See center picture above.) I feel much better, have more energy, and starting to wonder exactly how bad all this sugar has been for me. I had no idea of all the consequences. I start to get angry that no one told me sooner.

About 7-8 years ago, I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic. My doctor was befuddled because I didn’t exhibit any of the normal risk factors for diabetes. He asked me about my diet, but it didn’t seem like I ate a lot of sugar. I never eat more than one doughnut, for example, and I don’t eat multiple candy bars at once. I don’t do a lot of the things that seem like a high sugar intake. Did you know, though, that a can of soda has 10 tsp of sugar, 17 tsp in a 20 oz bottle? I am a runner, and chocolate milk is one of the best post-run drinks and one of my favorites. Did you know though that a pint of chocolate milk has 54g of sugar? These numbers astound me. Not because I didn’t know that foods have sugar – I just didn’t realize how much and how pervasive it is. Baby food even has 4 tsp of sugar. Really?

All these years later, it makes much more sense to me. I had no idea I was as addicted to sugar as I was, and I had no idea how much sugar I was consuming in my diet without knowing it. I didn’t know that my body couldn’t manage the amount of insulin my body was producing to keep up with my sugar intake.

All the low fat foods that are marketed as being healthy – not so, they just compensate sugar for fat – and sugar is just as bad if not worse. Plus, the average person on a low fat diet consumes 400-500 more calories than someone not on a low fat diet. We tend to eat more maybe because we give ourselves credit for the “low fat choices.” I am angry at myself for not thinking it mattered when I ate multiple sweets a day, when I thought I deserved it. I am angry that sugar is so interwoven in our foods and our culture that avoiding it is really hard – that our office candy bowl is almost always full, that hospitality is just necessarily linked with food, that we market holidays like Valentine’s Day, Halloween, and Easter with unlimited sweets, sugary confections that are not really a gift but a curse. The trick is on us, dear friends.

It doesn’t mean that we have to give sweets up entirely. That is what I was afraid of when I started this journey, and I wanted to opt out of that option very quickly. What it does mean is that I need to pay attention to my sugar intake. I need to save the sweets for the special occasions not the everyday, multiple times of the day staple. And when I do eat sugar, I need to balance it out with protein which helps the body process it. Even with natural sugars, like apples, are much healthier when eaten with protein like peanut butter. Who knew?

Well, now I know the bittersweet truth about sugar. I plan to keep my distance and only have an occasional fling with a good dessert. I am breaking off the intimate relationship. The three week challenge was over awhile ago, but I don’t want to go back to my old habits. I can live without my daily Dr Pepper and even my cookies, because in the end, I can now say they are not worth it and that, my friend, is the bittersweet truth.

For more information on the Naturally Slim program, check out their website here.

Seeking a Heart Like His - Through Grief

For those of you who don’t know, I am currently doing a Beth Moore Bible study on David. This study is so rich and has prompted my thinking in so many ways about what it meant for David to be a man after God’s own heart and what it means to me to be a woman after God’s own heart.

It’s been hard to find time for writing lately, so it’s been awhile since I’ve caught you up on David. So much has happened – we last left David in the difficult time of waiting, waiting to be king, waiting to step into God’s purpose in his life, and running from King Saul.

After years on the run, David finds himself almost at home in enemy territory, the land of the Philistines (1 Samuel 27). When the Philistines prepare to fight Israel, David and his men prepare to join them (1 Samuel 29). The king trusts David, but the other Philistine leaders do not. They send David & his men back home – thankfully. Can you imagine fighting against the people you are supposed to lead? What kind of political campaign would that create?

But when David & his men return to Ziklag, they find tragedy. Their wives, sons & daughters have all been taken; the city of Ziklag was burned to the ground. Nothing was left. Sheer devastation. Sheer grief.

“So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep” (1 Samuel 30:4).

At this point, could things get any worse for David? God is supposed to have good plans for his life, but he’s been on the run, Saul has been trying to kill him, and now his family is taken from him, and he and his men are exhausted and grief-stricken.
There are moments when all we can do is weep, when words seem completely inadequate, when our world comes crashing down, loss sets in and everything changes.

In those moments how comforting it is to know that we have a God that weeps along with us (see John 11:35). Even when Jesus knew the end of the story, even though He knew the good plans God had in store, He wept right along with Mary & Martha over the loss of their brother. In the time of our deepest grief and mourning, Jesus is right there with us, “a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering” (Isaiah 53:3a). He shares our grief and our struggles. He doesn’t leave us alone.

And He didn’t leave David alone. “David found strength in the Lord his God” (1 Samuel 30:6b). David cried out to Him and God responded by giving Him strength and wisdom, and God led David into battle, giving him victory over the Amalekites (the bad guys) and freeing all the hostages.

A chapter later, David loses his best friend Jonathan and mourns the death of King Saul. The grief kept piling on. But God was always present, and He continued to give David strength. He is always present with us. And He cares. He evens weeps along with us. God is good. He works all things out for good (Romans 8:28), but we have to trust Him even when we can’t see the good, even in the midst of our grief.

This has been so true in my life. Moving is a different kind of grief, and for months after moving to Texas I was overwhelmed by the sense of loss in my life – friends, family, community. But God gave me strength and His presence has been so real in my life. I’ve now been here a year and I can see how He works it all out for good. He is still writing the story, but it’s a good story, even through the challenging times.

How has God strengthened you during times of grief? Have you felt Him crying with you?

Be encouraged. “I tell you the truth…you will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” (John 16:20).

Next, we follow David to the throne and to success and praise... Stay tuned! I have a lot of catching up to do.